'AITA for wanting my gf (35F) to stop viewing all our possessions as 'mine' and 'yours?''
"AITA for wanting my gf (35F) to stop viewing all our possessions as 'mine' and 'yours?'"
I (30M) have been with my GF for 9 years, we own a house together, have a dog and have generally been happy. We've always had an issue of bickering with each other and getting into arguments about things like the furniture, so we've been attending couples therapy for a few months now.
During therapy I told my GF that I feel she views everything in our house as "mine" and "yours" based on the amount of money contributed, and it makes me think she doesn't actually want to be in a partnership. I 100% think we should each have our own things, items we've bought for personal use, hobbies etc, but my issue is with things like the furniture.
Whenever I bring up re-arranging something, if she doesn't agree, she shuts it down by saying she paid for it, so it's hers and therefore I don't get an opinion. I get that she might have bought it, but I'm trying to tell her I don't quite like where it is in our house currently.
The xmas decorations were sitting in boxes for weeks after xmas, I asked if she minded me putting in the loft, where they live, but she said she didn't have time to do it yet. I reiterated that I'm offering to put it up there myself, but she says she doesn't trust me to it properly and that she's paid for most of it so don't touch it.
When we do a food shop, if I pick up an item she just assumes it's for me only, and asks me if she can have one of them, but for me, it's paid for out of our joint food budget and I don't feel she needs to ask me for one.
When I asked her about this issue, she said it's because when we bought the house I didn't want to to contribute as much as her to the join furniture fund. That's true, but it's because I felt we already had all the "essential" furniture, sofa, bed etc so everything after that was a luxury purchase that we could wait to save up for, so she ultimately chose to spend more herself to get the things she wanted sooner.
I can fully appreciate her claiming ownership of those things, as ultimately they are hers, but I don't think her mindset around this issue will ever change. She will always view things based on the amount of money contributed, and then use that against me to shutdown any discussions around the items.
She thinks I'm being unreasonable and basically asking her to give me ownership of all her stuff, but I'm not, I want us to have our own things, but when I buy something for the house I don't think of it as mine, and that difference in mindset is causing a lot of issues.
AITA for wanting to have a more "shared" view on things bought for the house?
EDIT - Just to confirm, we recently got engaged because it finally felt like things were calming down in our lives. Bills are split 50/50.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
INFO
"been with my GF for 9 years"
"it makes me think she doesn't actually want to be in a partnership"
I mean, first and most obvious question: Why aren't you actually married? But then, all the other financial questions, too: What's the income breakdown between the two of you? Who's on the home title/mortgage? How do you manage shared bills?
Grouchy-Spring783 (OP)
Bills are split 50/50, both named on the mortgage as co-owners, and as of the last few months we both earn around the same (35K). Previously I earned a lot more than her, which she also uses as her reasoning for the "mine" and "yours" mindset, saying that I earned so much more than her but didn't want to contribute as much to the furniture fund so she had to work overtime and build up debt.
But even though I didn't want to contribute more, I repeatedly offered to change the bill split to something like 60/40 or 70/30 so I was paying more, I also offered to help pay towards holiday costs so the burden wasn't so heavy.
But she refused as she wanted everything to be 50/50, which is fine if that's what she wants, but then she uses that against me in arguments "I have to work so many hours to pay for the holidays YOU want to go on" like I haven't repeatedly offered to pay for the whole thing.
Sounds like she is marking her things that she will take when you two split up.
You have been together for 9 years. How come there is not a ring on it?
I’m also confused as to why she thinks like that. It’s a house that both of you own and therefore, the furniture in that house is owned by both of you. Doesn’t matter if one or the other bought it, it’s in a shared house so it’s shared furniture.
Also about the xmas lights, sounds like she’s just using this as a way to win arguments against you or some type of “i have power over you” thing. She needs to realize that being in a relationship comes with partnership and arguing over little things like this isn’t gonna help it grow.
NTA. "I paid for the couch, so you don't get to have a say in where it is in the house" is one of the most ridiculous opinions I've read about on here. to be honest, it sounds like she is harboring a whole lot of resentment for having spent her own money. Hopefully your therapist can get through to her, because it doesn't sound like you've been able to. Good luck on this one.
NTA. It's good you two are in counseling. Not sure why she's not wanting to meld better on the material level, but there's got to be something in her background or your relationship that triggers this and it's not healthy or conducive to your feeling like you are true partners.