'AITA for wanting my SIL to stop making my husband pay for their joint gifts to their mom?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for wanting my SIL to stop making my husband pay for their joint gifts to their mom?"

My husband and his sister have a “tradition” of buying their mom gifts together, but it always means she will pick the gifts and my husband paying for them. She never contributes a dime but the gifts are still presented as being from both of them.

This tradition continues even after we’re married. Now she will pick the gifts, my husband pays for them and the gifts are presented as being from them, me and her boyfriend.

I’ve told my husband I want to be involved in gift decisions if we are paying for it; especially we are on a tight budget, after paying for our wedding on our own (his mom and his sister by the way gave us nothing on our wedding) and expecting a baby. I also suggested his sister start contributing if the gifts are joint or she buys her own gift and we buy our own.

He agreed with me, and suggested that we buy our own gift this Christmas. I’ve been shopping for his mom’s gift for weeks, until I found out this evening that his sister just texted my husband yesterday telling him she wants to buy their mom expensive Lululemon clothes for Christmas and he agreed to it without talking to me.

I’m frustrated because this feels unfair, especially since she’s 30, makes good money as a nurse, and spends on luxury for herself but not on gifts for her own mother and brother. She doesn’t buy anything for our arriving baby either. I asked my husband why we are always having to be the one who pay yet I don’t even have a say-so on what to buy?

And why we are always the ones who buy gifts for them but they never buy us anything? He acknowledged being taken “advantage” of but said I’m overreacting and “petty” for being upset about this; that they are his mom and his sister, and her being his “baby sister”, she has always been spoiled and he doesn’t care… So AITA to be upset over this situation?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

palaceoooh said:

NTA, you guys discussed what to do and he disregarded the entire conversation behind your back. It’s irresponsible if you are on a tight budget, with a child on the way, to be buying expensive gifts anyway, regardless of the circumstances with his sister.

OP responded:

Thank you. To put this in perspective, I bought a used swing for our baby to save $100, and a pair of Lululemon pants costs over $100; and she not just bought one pairs, she bought 4… I told my husband a whole box of clearance clothes I bought for our baby to wear from 0 - 9 months cost half of what she bought their mom for Christmas :(

HerYogi said:

Why not just Venmo request her or just ask for half? Stop being so scared of a conversation.

And The_Marketing_G said:

His sister won't stop because your husband is legit enabling her. Your husband has to be the one to stop this behavior. You need to actually talk to your husband and tell him to stop doing this. Tell him that if he does it, it should come out of his own money and not your joint money/your household's finances.

NTA but since this is a habit, you have to know it won't be easy to break for your husband and so you have to be a bit patient and understanding with him. Know it'll be tough for him to have this difficult convo with his sister and for him to change behavior.

She later shared this first update:

First of all, thank you for everyone’s advises and supports. I appreciate each and every comments including negative ones that give me different perspective. I had a conversation with my husband using many of the suggestions from your comments below. He didn’t take it well at first and still doesn’t seem to fully understand the points I was trying to make.

However, he said he couldn’t stand seeing me so upset, worrying it would affect my health and the baby. So he gave in, said Sorry to me, and told his sister (in a group text that included me) to return a pair of pants and pay half of the $300 total cost after the refunds. She replied with a thumbs-up and didn’t say anything else.

He also promised that this will be the last time we buy a joint gift with her unless I’m involved in the discussion and agree to it. I guess I’ll see if he keeps his word when New Year and Mother’s Day roll around.

I also told him I’d start moving 1/4 of my income into my personal account as savings for our family. He said he has no problem with that and will continue putting 100% of his income into the joint account for family expenses. If we fall short, we’ll figure it out together.

He said he hopes all of this makes me feel better and shows me that he truly cares about me and loves me…and that we (our baby and I) are his priority.

I don’t know how to explain my feeling at this point. I got everything I asked for, but I feel like somehow we didn’t really “resolve” the problem; because he still doesn’t understand me and the reasons why I am upset. He just agrees to the do whatever to please me and make peace. Maybe I’m just overthinking and still too emotional and mentally drained. Again, thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts, and recommendations.

She then shared this second update:

We had a deeper conversation today, and I feel like I understand his perspective better now. He shared that before I came into his life, after his dad passed away, he naturally took on a caretaker role, and for a long time, his mom and baby sister were his entire world. He acknowledged the challenges we're facing and asked for a bit more time for them to adjust to the shift—that I am now his priority.

He agreed that he should have handled this situation better. But he wasn’t thinking much and didn’t think this would make me that upset. He thought I would be fine relieving from the stress of gifts shopping for his mom who I don’t like.

He’s also more optimistic about our financial situation than I am. He believes that this is only a temporary struggle. He’s confident that once the baby arrives, he’ll find a way to provide and ensure our child never goes without.

Also, our budget is currently built factored in the risk of him not able to find a new contract once the current expires in Feb when the baby is due. He doesn’t think it will be the case so we should be fine. I guess this is what he meant when he said I was overreacting.