'AITA for wanting a bit of space from my daughter after I discovered she isn't mine biologically?' + UPDATE
"AITA for wanting a bit of space from my daughter after I discovered she isn't mine biologically?"
Time-Wedding-4180
I'm 40, she is 16 and I've been divorced from her mother since she was about a year old. We've always had a good relationship and never had any reason to doubt she's mine.
Her mother recently let it slip she might not be mine and we did a DNA test and she's right - no biological relationship whatsoever. After confronting my ex, she broke down and confessed that when we were dating, she went on a night out with her colleagues and ended up in bed with a guy she worked with.
She is trying to say she was probably drugged or something as she was a lot more drunk than she should have been and woke up in bed with him with no memory of sleeping with him - she panicked and feared what I'd say, she just tried to ignore it and hoped she was mine as she always felt like she looked like me.
Apparently the biological father is some french guy who's married and has kids and I vaguely remember him from when we were together (I didn't like him, he seemed sleazy but put it down to him just being French anyway).
It's messed me up good and proper and it also has messed my daughter up. It's giving me some seriously dark thoughts and I just want to take a bit of time to myself and go no contact for a short while.
Not to punish her in any way or be horrible, but I just need to clear my head and get some help before I see her again. I know she isn't to blame and don't want to hurt her at all but I feel I can't be a dad to her while I'm struggling like this. She didn't take that well at all and I guess has told people and so many people are trying to get in touch, tell me what an AH I am and shouldn't do anything I will regret.
I'm just muting everyone including her so I can think. I'm thinking of quitting my job and selling my house to go travelling for a bit and just see the world before I come back and face it all. Could even take a trip to France if you know what I mean. AITA for taking the space and not having contact with her in the meantime?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
TKyzr
NTA. But please explain to your daughter why you’re taking a little space. Do this face to face. Remember she’s been struck an equally big blow as well and will need to know you won’t abandon her over something that isn’t her doing. Get both of you into counseling asap. She’s still your girl, you still need each other.
Please don’t make big decisions regarding your job. Take time off but don’t quit. Talk to the friend you trust most and ask them to help spread the word you’re just taking a step back to get your bearings and are not answering questions right now.
Edit: taking a little space doesn’t mean reject her, move to another planet, cut contact with her completely. Take some space meaning go to a place where he can absorb what he just learned for a few days.
I never suggested he abandon her as some are implying. If that’s what you got from my response, you should try reading the other responses where commenters are out right saying he needs to stop calling her his daughter and leave her.
The OP responded here:
Time-Wedding-4180
Oh yeah therapy/counselling will be a must. I need to get out my job anyway, I've been there for years and people know me so much and keep in asking questions about me, my family etc (as colleagues do) and it's hurting me to just talk about it.
annang
Are you expecting that she’ll want a relationship if you decide to come back?
The OP again responded:
Time-Wedding-4180
Truth be told, I don't know.
Bitter_Animator2514
There’s a post somewhere on here about a man who found out his middle son wasn’t bio his and he destroyed that kid when he took time out from him cause he couldn’t deal with not being bio dad. He went on to build a whole new life and left the kid in the dust but kept in touch with his bio kids. Just remember whilst your suffering so is she.
A week later, the OP returned with an update.
"UPDATE AITA for wanting a bit of space from my daughter after I discovered she isn't mine biologically?"
Time-Wedding-4180
So basically I was rushed to hospital, and sent home with antidepressants after a couple of days (I haven't taken them though). My GP has called me and referred me for NHS Talking therapies so I have a hefty wait just to be seen.
I'm staying with my parents for now so they can keep their eyes on me - I dare say they're not very happy with me. Especially my dad as it was his brother's funeral on Monday and he missed that due to me being in hospital.
They know all about the situation with my daughter and don't care, especially my mum. She said she's her granddaughter no matter what and keeps talking about how her brother/my late uncle took on his partners son and he's her nephew in her eyes, in fact she said he's always been one of her favourite ones.
And my cousin adopted his wife's son while she was pregnant and she said he's her nephew too in the ways that matter. Although they were aware of it from the start. As regards to my daughter - it's baby steps. She came to see me in hospital and we had a moment together. She's staying at my house now looking after it until I come home.
No doubt we'll have a chat soon in greater detail. Her mum/my ex has family healthcare and my daughter is covered by it so she's getting her into private therapy. I think it's the least she can do for her.
Plus, I always remember this stupid argument we once had where she said sometimes women are pushed to cheat and the husband is as responsible as they are for pushing them to it. I remember at the time being stumped - in my eyes now, that was like some sort of foreshadowing. I was too stupid to see it though.
My head is still in a mess though. As much as I love my daughter, I'm having some messed up emotions and feelings. The main one that breaks my heart is that had I found out saying when she was a baby, toddler etc I might have walked away.
But I couldn't now as I love her too much. And it makes me feel guilty that I'd have walked out and left her as a baby and miss out on all the amazing stuff we've been through. The therapy can't come soon enough.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's last post:
College_Prestige
The French stray makes more sense when you realize OP is British.
tinysydneh
"I didn't like him, he seemed sleazy but put it down to him just being French anyway."
I'm sorry, this is way too funny to me.
Her brother/my late uncle took on his partners son and he's her nephew in her eyes
Yeah, but the big difference is that the choice was given to him. OOP sounds like he recognizes things are better this way, but as someone who's gone through some stuff in my life that put me through some hellish stuff... I'd probably choose to do it again, because of where it brought me, but I would have a choice.
Jenna2k
I just feel horrible for the daughter. She is only 16.
Fwoggie2
If anyone is wondering why the NHS came up in the UK election so much (we had a general election 2 days ago, resulting in the incumbent governments worst result since the second world war), this is a horrifying example why; you can be actively suicidal and still you have to wait to get access to psychological support.
Hopefully OOP has money or knows someone who has and can help him to access private therapy. It's the only way apart from being pregnant to get immediate access to urgent mental health support right now.