'AITA for wanting to leave my wife because she had a go bag??' + Final Update
"AITA for wanting to leave my wife because she had a go bag??"
sadhusbandry2
My wife and I have been together for 5 years now, we have a 2 years old and we were planning to expand our family. I decided to tidy up my wife's closet because there was a mold problem in garage and I decided to inspect the whole house. There I found a gym bag with clothes, some dry fruits, some tampons and like $1000. I asked my wife about it and her face suddenly lost its color.
At first she told me that it was just an emergency bag in case we are hit by earthquake or something. I asked her why did she hid it from me then?? After a bit of back and forth, she sheepishly confessed that its a go bag.
Basically women who need to flee their bad partners are told to keep a go bag with all essential supplies like money and clothes and stuff. I asked her why exactly does she ever feel the need to do this. I have never even talked to her in loud voice, we barely have arguments, why does she thinks that I am going to treat her poorly.
She said she is not saying I am a bad guy, she just wanted to do it for the peace of her mind. I don't buy her excuse, I don't think she trust me. Otherwise she wouldn't have to go so far. I took some days to mull it over and I have come to conclusion that I cant be with a woman who cant trust me and who see me as a bad person.
I asked her for separation and told her that I cant be with a woman who does not trust me. I believe that trust is foundation of relationship and if she doesn't trust me then its better we part ways. Now she is making excuses that she read too many "mommy forums" and let herself influenced by them.
She showed me the forums where they discuss "go bags" and how every women should have one. I get the logic but I cant stay with a woman who does not trust me to know that she never needed to do such a thing. I agreed to take more time to think about it but I think divorce will let her find a man she trusts not to be a bad partner, because she does not trust me. AITA??
EDIT I am taking a break, will read and reply to good faith comments later. I would like to address common things here. Statistics should not be applied to individual cases.
This kind of thinking lead to racial profiling of African Americans by unfair law enforcement. Statistics does not dictate individuals and I believe that every individual has the right to not be seen as a part of group and have statistics applied to them blindly. No she does not have history of awful relationship.
"Sounds like" is not carte blanche to accuse anyone of anything. "Dingo ate my Baby" woman was also convicted because she sounded like a mVrd3r3r and its a shame that you guys feel so at ease of doing something so disgusting. A relationship without trust is no relationship.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
BasketNo1006
He's proving why she needs a "go bag".
tillythehound
YTA. If it gives her security, who cares. It's appalling how fast OP jumped to divorce...not counseling but straight up divorce. For me, that tells me all I need to know.
Also, why the hell were you "tidying" your wife's closet without even telling her Inspecting for mold doesn't require tidying nor does it require going through her bag. IMO, you violated her trust by going through her things without permission.
Married or not, you just don't do that...that alone tells me you're not to be trusted. My partner of 10 years would never do to me what you did to your wife; nor, would I ever do that to my partner...it's called respect and boundaries which you lack.
ninthstreetangel
YTA. “I went through my wife’s stuff without her knowledge, confronted and badgered her about what I found despite her clearly being uncomfortable, and now I’m threatening divorce because I didn’t like the answer I forced her to give”.
You are an unaware bully and vindictive person. Yes I think you should probably divorce, but so that she can see what life is like without being with such a reactive and unreasonable partner who seems to either lack statistical knowledge or empathy (or both).
MyAdvice5
Most women I know have a go bag. Be glad you don’t feel the need to have one as a man. If you’re leaving her over this, you don’t deserve her. YTA.
Fearless-Language419
If she can trust you prove it. Going through her stuff, forcing her to give you an answer, and jumping to divorce faster than a professional bungee jumper is the exact reason she has the go bag. You’re not a stable partner for her.
Three months later, the OP returned with an update.
"Update: AITA for wanting to leave my wife because she had a go bag?"
sadhusbandry2
I made a post 3 months ago but it was removed before I deleted my account. It has been cross-posted literally everywhere that I think you guys will have no problem finding it if you are interested.
After I made my first post, I decided to officially ask for divorce. She did not take it well. She cried and refused to eat food for two days until I filled the house with candy bars. She hasn't pulled that kind of stunt after that thankfully.
For past 3 months I have to endure her crying, begging me to change my mind. She promised to never make a "go bag" again. Honestly the previous post has been eye opening to me.
People here called me a monster when I never did anything to abusive. I read every comment posted here, on other subreddits, and it seems like people will call me abuser no matter what. Some people even made up stories to paint me in bad light.
It seems that general sentiment is that its okay to mistrust men because statistics and if he complains about it, he is potentially a monster. Why is it wrong to want to be trusted by your own wife?
If I made her get rid of her "go bag", I am as good as an abuser in all of your eyes. It seems like I will be painted as a monster unless proven otherwise. I just don't know how to prove a negative, its not like I can wear a camera all the time.
Initially my feelings were very hurt but now I am realizing the gravity of situation I am in. I just cant risk my future on a wife who does not trust me because her mere act of making a go bag was used by people here to paint me as a monster. They said that she must have reason to make a "go bag".
How was it my fault that she read some blogs and decided to do it. I never did anything and yet people are just gonna accuse me even if I didn't do anything. You guys don't care what the truth is so what am I even supposed to do? My only choice is to leave.
I have finally moved out yesterday and I am pushing forward with divorce. I would like things to be amicable but my wife is still hellbent on stopping the divorce so that is a pipe dream for now. I am hoping when divorce becomes real, she will accept the reality.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Dipshitistan
I'm not sure basing a divorce on Reddit opinions is the best life choice.
yaoikat
What do you mean? Reddit lets u become a lawyer after scrolling for 5 hours or getting a comment with 500 plus likes 💀
Vaullki
Imagine destroying your marriage over this.
CeleryPlus5512
He wanted to end the marriage anyway. He’s using this as his justification.
Vaullki
So true. Just the way he writes. ‘I have to endure her’ bro you just drove a steam train right through her life over nothing and now have zero empathy for how she feels. ‘The gravity of the situation I’m in’ lollllllll. He wants to leave while also being the victim. Loser.
Digital_Disimpaction
Lol, blaming us for going forward with your divorce is wild lol. If you want to divorce her just divorce her, don't blame random internet strangers for your choices.