'AITA for transferring assets to my daughter before my marriage?' UPDATED

"AITA for transferring my assets to my daughter before my marriage?"

I (F28) had my daughter (F9) while still in college. I am ashamed to admit I dont know who the dad is. It was a drunken party mishap. My parents disowned me and sympathizing with my plight, my grandpa took me in. He had a bad relationship with my dad. Grandpa died two years ago leaving me his entire estate. He was kind of rich.

I started dating my fiance Max (M35) around 4 years back. He has two kids (F6, M10) he has full time custody of as well. Their mom married someone else and moved across the country. She pays child support but makes no effort to contact them or visit them.

We have lived together for over a year now and everyone gets along pretty well. We stay at the house my grandfather left me and split all bills and expenses 50:50, but keep rest of the finances separate. He popped the question 2 months ago and I said yes.

Few weeks ago we had a minor fight. My daughter's birthday is coming up and I wanted to gift her a pony. She has been learning to ride for a few years now and really wants one.

When I mentioned this to Max, in a passing conversation, he got mad at me for wasting our money on stupid gifts like this. I told him I am not taking anything out of our budget and just buying it out of my money.

He said then I should buy his kids ponies too to make it fair. I said sure, let's split the expense. He told me I should buy it myself since I am rich, and it is my decision to buy my daughter a pony in the first place. That he is trying to make it equal for all kids in the household and don't have money to waste like this.

I got his point. But I also felt that he would want me to make everything equal with his kids too. I get they will be my kids too and I should not treat them different.

But I also felt like my daughter should not have to split her generational wealth. Its not mine, its my grandpa's. And he loved her. He left it to me believing I would pass it on to her.

So I made a trust fund transferring 50% of assets I inherited into that. It has rules regarding reasons I can make withdrawal out of, like education and separate living allowance based on age, money for marriage, for house and entire balance made available at 30.

I set up another trust fund for myself putting 30% assets into it with yearly allowance and then to dissolve after 50 (hoping to retire then). Balance 20% is mostly the house, land and emergency funds.

I did it so whatever income I earn, I will be able to make it equally split within kids. But inheritance will stay intact for my or my daughter's future without having to be split or used for my step kids.

My fiance found out about this a couple of days ago. Saw some related papers in my drawer. He was really mad at me for cutting him and his kids out. He said if I was marrying him, we would be sharing all assets and finances.

That it's not fair for me to keep 90% of my wealth just to myself and my kid when he is sharing all of his with us. I said I was sharing everything I make too, just the inheritance is kept aside. He is not bringing any inheritance into the union either.

He said thats because he has none and its incredibly selfish of me to not share. To lock it away. That with this, my daughter will have a luxurious life while his kids have average life only since there is no way we can afford all that for them with our income only.

I said generational wealth is separate and it should go to bio family. He called me a AH for discriminating and depriving his kids of a equally good life. AITAH?

Here's what the top commenters had to say about this one:

Alarming_Paper_8357 said:

NTA - smart move, and easier than a prenup agreement -- which I suspect he would have resisted signing. I guess the question is: Is he marrying you? Or your money?

Right now, he's got a pretty sweet deal -- he doesn't pay rent for himself and his two kids, and has a self-sufficient girlfriend who doesn't need him to pay for anything. He is so jealous he can't see straight. Think about this one long and hard.

Kmia55 said:

You do realize because of his attitude you’ve already protected your child’s assets once he brought up marriage. You did this IMO because you know his intentions aren’t honorable. NTA, but follow your instincts.

Hitchhiker2Galaxy said:

NTA but consider not marrying this person if he can’t accept your decision. He might have wanted to marry your for your money if he is so bothered by this.

Savings_Summer2608 said:

NTA- he’s giving gold digger vibes. I’d 100% get a prenup at this point. It’s one thing to have an adult conversation about finances. It’s another to stop your foot and throw a tantrum about it.

OldKindheartedness73 said:

Nta, but he truly seems like a gold digger. Ask for a prenup. Make it iron clad. If he refuses to sign it, refuse to marry him. Also, make sure you control the bc.

facinationstreet said:

He said if I was marrying him, we would be sharing all assets and finances. As you know, inheritance is not a shared asset nor is he entitled to any of it, even if you divorce, unless YOU co-mingle those assets in a household account.

NTA and I would give him back the ring, give him time to find somewhere to move, ensure ALL of your personal financial paperwork is no where he can access it, ensure he has no access to your bank accounts (obviously he doesn't have access to the trusts) and move on.

slappy_da_squirrel3 said:

NTA but is he marrying you or your money. I'm not saying completely end the relationship but there should definitely be more conversations had, couples counseling, and an iron clad pre-nup before you jump the broom.

cryssylee90 said:

NTA. He’s not marrying you because he loves you. He’s marrying you because you have money and he feels entitled to it.

Later OP came back with this update:

I know this is quick, but I am someone who always act quickly. So here is the update.

I had a much needed conversation with Max. I showed him the post, replies, advices and experiences. He looked defeated to see this.

At the core there were two issues.

1. How much do I trust him?

2. How do we handle finances moving forward?

He told me he was ready to sign a prenup before I even asked. If that would alleviate my worries. He said all he wants is to have everyone in the household to feel equal. To not make his kids feel resentful. To make it fair to everyone. I understood that.

The fact is there is no way it can be made fair to everyone. If I want to give my daughter the best of everything, I should give same to his kids too. But that is not always possible even with our combined incomes.

For example if her love for riding stays, both me and her would prefer she attend a private school providing equistrian sports. Tuition for that and related costs can be availed from her trust. But we would not be able to afford to pay tuition for his kids out of our combined income. Trust is already set up and even I cannot withdraw money for their tuition.

Even if I could, I would be reducing my retirement funds or my daughter's inheritance. Same goes for car, tuition fund, and all other expenses my daughter will have covered but even with our incomes, we can't give equally to Max's kids.

Further, marriage is a big risk. Even with a prenup, if he takes on debt during course of marriage, I would also be liable. A lot of the comments have instilled a lot of fear in me. I am also worried about the resentment finance is going to build.

I love Max. I really do. But I love my daughter million times more. She is my life. I have to accept that her future and opportunities is more important to me than a marriage. At least for the next 9 years. (Who am I kidding, till my daughter can fully be independent)

And I cannot fault him for wanting the same for his kids. He is just being a dad. But I cannot take away from my daughter to give to his kids. I can only give equal love and care to them. Equal attention. Financially we are just not compatible.

Long story short, I gave back my ring. Engagement and marriage is off the table for now. After all, there is no real necessity to get married. We are both sad about this turn, but the fact he did not kick up a fuss is a bit reassuring. I really do believe our companionship is just as valuable to him as to me. Just that we are also parents who wants the best for our children.

We don't know where our relationship is going. I would still like to have him in my life. But he is also free to leave and find another person. I did not ask him to leave and he is staying for now. I will try to keep normal stuff equal between all. Whatever I can afford to do out of my income.

My daughter is still getting a pony. Its a gift from her great grandpa, after all. I would not compromise her life and choices. My grandpa took me in for her sake. He left it all to me for her. I cannot compromise on that. And there is no need for 3 ponies.

Neither of his kids know or has shown any interest in riding. If they want one after seeing my daughter with hers, we will be getting them riding lessons. And they can share. They will be getting the best birthday presents we can afford that aligns with their interests for their birthdays. If Max sticks around till then.

I will also be protecting the house and land as well. He cannot make claims on it as far as I know. But I will still be discussing it with my estate lawyer. Thank you for helping me see what I refused to. Love had me blind.