'WIBTA for calling my mom out about her wedding?'
"WIBTA for calling my mom out about her wedding?"
My husband and I live 3k miles away from my family for background. So my daughter, who is four months old, was born with a very serious heart defect that we knew would require open-heart surgery shortly after birth.
We are fortunately able to put it off until this April to give her more time to grow. My mother has been very much in the loop of this timeline and known since Christmas time that her surgery would be in April.
In march, she randomly called me up saying she was going to fly down and visit us in April with her longtime boyfriend. I reminded her our daughter will be having surgery around then and that it’s important she’s not exposed to extra germs and etc.
She casually tells me that she already bought tickets and tells me she’ll be here between x and y dates. I was not asked, I was told. I should clarify that they are strictly coming to visit, not help out with my other kids during my daughter’s surgery.
She wants to visit the beach, go to the aquarium, etc while they’re here. I’m expected to play hostess. I was annoyed af at this point, but let it roll off my shoulders.
If she happens to be here when her surgery is taking place (and the 1+ weeks she’ll be inpatient afterwards recovering) her loss. I'm absolutely not leaving my daughter’s side and it’s her wasted trip.
Yesterday, I get a text from my grandpa (also not local) stating he’ll be coming down that week too along with two other aunts for my mom’s wedding. I was completely blindsided by this wedding.
I was informed that my aunts will all be meeting up at my home on specific dates/times related to wedding stuff. Have I mentioned my daughter is having OPEN HEART SURGERY during that time? I texted my mom for clarification and she laughed it off saying “oh yeah, I forgot to tell you we decided to get married while we’re down there.”
I’m livid at this point. Livid that I found out through my grandpa, and that I wasn’t asked first. Livid that my mom is putting my daughters health at risk by trying to expose her immunocompromised self to a ton of new people right before a life-threatening surgery.
Livid that at no point did she stop to think that I might just want to focus on my daughter and the fact that they are stopping her heart that week instead of a stupid wedding that was planned last minute.
WIBTA for calling my mom out? I guess I really just want her to know how hurt I am that she’s valuing her trip and wedding more than my daughter’s health and my own struggles. I’ve literally never felt more unimportant to her than I do now.
She just literally doesn’t seem to give a care about what we’re all going through, and I want her to know it for no other reason than I just want to be heard. At the same time, another part of me just wants to bite my tongue and not ruin her day.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
forgeris
NTA. Tell that while your daughter needs special care there will be nobody in your home and she can start booking other places for wedding planning. Your mom's behavior is outrageous and completely unacceptable!
FuzzyMom2005
NTA. You tell your mom and relatives: "I hope you enjoy the wedding. However, none of you will be coming to my home. We will not be entertaining you or your germs so close to my daughter's open heart surgery. And no, you will not be taking the other children out for fun times. We will see you after the surgery."
lulumelody
I'm sorry, you lost me at the fact that your mom isn't even planning to help you out around the house while her 4 month old granddaughter is having open heart surgery.
My mom loves me, she would never ever do this to me. Let alone get married and invite my extended family, making you look like the bad guy for not being able to attend? I would Lock her ass out of my house and wouldn't call her on her wedding day. If she wants to act like she hates you, she can watch you be happy from the outside.
Just focus on keeping your baby safe and healthy, and maybe lean on some friends or your husbands family to keep your other kids entertained. I'm sorry 😢 we can't choose our family but we have no obligation to let them walk all over us either.
C_Majuscula
NTA, holy garbage fire. Tell all of them they'll have to do their wedding planning elsewhere. I would not let any of them into your house to possibly give your daughter an infection and endanger her surgery or recovery.
kimba-the-tabby-lion
I am crazy with rage at this story....but even if your family were 100% fit, your mother coming uninvited so you can host a surprise wedding she hasn't even invited you to? That's enough to make her an A H.
And no matter how narcissistic she is, does she really want her wedding day associated with this surgery? I am terrified if something goes wrong, she will blame you for ruining her day. She's a monster. NTA.
Ashamed-Fact4648
NTA by a long shot. But you are going to have to carefully consider how you call your mom out if you want to maintain a relationship with her and the rest of your family.
A civil note to your entire family coming for the wedding explaining your daughter’s circumstances and how your sorry you won’t be able to host or see them at this time should work as long as they’re reasonable people. If you’re not looking to maintain a relationship, you can go full fire and brimstone if it would make you feel better.
analyst19
NTA, but you and your daughter will be better served by you taking decisive action rather than calling people out.
Send this to all family members:
“Hi everyone, Annie is having major heart surgery on April X. Per doctor’s orders, we cannot interact with or host anyone who is flying in due to the risk of infection. As you can imagine, I’ll be very busy before, during and after the surgery.
[optional] I’ll try to drop in during the wedding on FaceTime. I recommend Joe’s Pizza and the Hilton and hope to catch up with everyone later in the year.” Set your phone on do not disturb and take care of your daughter. Done.
Immediate-Echo8546 OP responded:
But would I be the AH for doing this AND personally calling my mom out on her BS? I know it’s just going to stir the pot, but I really just want to tell her how hurtful this was and how self-absorbed she’s being. Other than vindication there’s not a real reason for it but it would feel good standing up to her.
SkyComplex2625
GROW A SPINE.
No-Accountant3744
No you would not be the AH in fact it is very much needed! Send that message ASAP to be sure everyone makes other arrangements. You need to tell your mum her behavior is beyond unacceptable. It likely won’t make a difference self absorbed people rarely care when called out. The important thing is to be firm that you cannot host or interact with any of them during that time.