'WIBTA for asking my fiancée to remove someone as a bridesmaid because of something she said while inebriated?'
"WIBTA for asking my fiancée to remove someone as a bridesmaid because of something she said while inebriated?"
I’m lucky enough to be engaged to the woman of my dreams. She’s perfect in every way and the wedding is currently scheduled for next June. Right now along with my fiancée, I have a very close friend living with us. She was my roommate in college and basically family. 5 months ago, she found out she was pregnant when she was told her entire life it was impossible for her to have kids.
She was ecstatic but her boyfriend (in case it comes up he was also my roommate and basically family) wasn’t and begged her to have an abortion. Basically she thought she’d never have another chance but they were absolutely not in any position to raise a kid at the moment. Their relationship got very strained and she ended up having a miscarriage.
1 week after, she found out her boyfriend was having an emotional affair with a coworker. They broke up and she ended up also getting into a massive fight with her family. Obviously I moved her into my place asap and while she was definitely struggling for a while I’m glad to say she seems to be slowly healing.
A few nights ago my fiancée had some of her friends over, all of which are bridesmaids. My friend joined them and all of them ended up getting pretty drunk. My fiancée falls asleep pretty fast when she’s drunk so I carried her up to our room and tucked her in so I could take care of everyone else. My friend at that point had started drinking really heavily and looked kind of sick so I walked her up to her bathroom and held her hair for about 20 minutes while she puked.
When I figured she had enough out of her system I left her to go check on the other girls and get them home. I was walking down the steps and heard one of her friends make a comment about me helping my friend up “because I wanted to get in her pants."
The other girls around her immediately told her off (they’re all aware of my friends situation btw) and I just stood obstructed on the stairway trembling in anger. I managed to calm down temporarily, come down and send them all home in Ubers (I had offered to drive them before but in all honesty I felt so angry I did not want to be in that position.
3 days later and I’m still angry. I genuinely don’t ever want to be in the same room as this woman ever again let alone have her 8 feet away as I say my vows. I haven’t told my fiancée any of this yet, but I was planning to do so tomorrow as well as request her friend at least be removed from having a role if not flat out be uninvited to the wedding. So would I be the ahole for asking to remove her for something she said when she was drunk?
EDIT:
First, my fiancée and her friends do not “have problems with alcohol." My girl is a light weight and none of her friends were blackout drunk or anything that far. The only person who puked was my friend. Passing out because you drank too much and falling asleep after having a couple drinks are too entirely different things.
Ok I really gotta spell it out here because this is getting fridiculous. Every girl not living in my house had 3-4 drinks that night. Enough that none of them were getting behind the wheel but not enough that they were all massively hammered and completely out of control. My fiancée had maybe 3 drinks and fell asleep 30 minutes after. Not passed out, not blacked out, just fell asleep. My friend was the only one who drank heavily, easily the equivalent of 6 (maybe a couple more at most).
At absolutely no point have I ever indicated I was going to take action or demand (my particular wording was request above, not demand) before talking to my fiancée about the whole story and the issue. I now intend to talk to the bridesmaid as well before I request anything.
I understand I’m being a little overly sensitive. The reality is this whole situation has been harsh and sh%tty for everyone involved. In particular I know I’ve been very defensive of my friend given her current situation with her family and it is entirely possible some of this anger towards bridesmaid was redirected from things my friends sisters have said and done to her in recent history.
All this being said there is absolutely positively nothing more between me and my friend besides a deeply PLATONIC relationship. I do not have romantic/sexual feelings to my friend at all. Nor am I “insecure about society telling me I can’t have women friends without wanting to sleep with them."
I’m just worried about my friend who’s still in a pretty bad place and feel like very insulted someone would insinuate I would be taking advantage of her in such a state. She has not been living with us for 5 months, she found out she was pregnant 5 months ago. Her miscarriage happened approximately 2 months and she moved into my place about 2 weeks after that.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Correct-Jump8273 said:
OP, you don't owe that bridesmaid anything, lest of all "how it made you feel", which I feel is ridiculous in this case. You know she will use the "I was drunk" card. She's a mean person that likes to cause trouble. Why would that thought even enter her head? No explanation can talk her way out of what she said. NTA, tell your fiancee.
JoannaPine994 said:
If I were you, I would invite the bad mouth bridesmaid for a coffee. I'd say - Look, I heard what you said about me and my friend the other night and it makes my blood boil. I have no romantic feelings towards my friend and I didn't deserve this. I believe you owe me an apology. If you really meant what you said, I think you should step down from your bridesmaid duty for our wedding.
See how she reacts. If she is genuinely sorry and ashamed of what she said, you can try to let it go. If she attacks you and stand by her initial opinion, talk to your fiance about removing her from the bridal party. Totally NTA.
Adhdqueen_5000 said:
NTA. This is not something to joke about. The bridesmaid insinuated you were willing to not only cheat on your fiancé, but more importantly, were willing to take advantage of and rape your friend. Look, I’ve said some stupid crap in my day, that I didn’t mean the way it came out, but I tend to realize quickly when I say something THAT inappropriate, and I certainly notice when I’m called out on it. Doesn’t sound like this person noticed.
BiddyInTraining said:
Honestly if my friend had implied my husband was going to take advantage of an inebriated woman in our home with me in the next room we would never speak again - you should talk to your fiancee first. NTA.
top_karma_believer said:
NTA, but please communicate with your fiancée and tell her why exactly do you want the bridesmaid out, but also perhaps you and your fiancée should talk with your fiancées friend to perhaps understand the situation. Other comment mentioned about it stirring up more drama, but you shouldn't have to suffer on a great day just to make other people happy.
And, if you suspect that the friend might cause drama for being removed as a bridesmaid, not only uninvite her from your wedding, but also remove her from your life, because that comment is something quite serious and unfunny.
synchrohighway said:
NTA (it's your wedding invite whoever you want), but if you remove her over this it'll lend a lot more credibility to her drunk thoughts since why else would you get so defensive over a silly comment that could have been laughed off.