'WIBTA for breaking up with my boyfriend because he wants to be a father to his nephew?'

"WIBTA for breaking up with my boyfriend because he wants to be a father to his nephew?"

I (24F) have been with my boyfriend (27M) for a little over 4 years now. We recently moved in together 2 months ago. My boyfriend has a younger sister (20F) who had a baby boy last year and the father isn’t in the picture. The day he was born my boyfriend opened up some savings accounts for him and has been putting money in them and investing it regularly.

The baby’s 1st birthday was a few weeks ago and we went and had a great time with his family. After getting home from the party he asked me if we could talk, he proceeded to tell me that he was heavily considering moving back in with his parents so he could be there for his sister and her baby.

He said it was upsetting to him knowing that his sister’s BD wasn’t in the picture and he wanted to do everything he could to be there for him and be the father he needs. He continued saying that the baby’s party made him realize how quickly time flies especially with young kids and if he wanted to be the good father he planned to be he needed to be there for his “son” as early as possible.

Him referring to his nephew as his son caught me off guard as I’d never heard him refer to him that way before, but that’s not really the issue here. The thing is I’ve never wanted kids, when we met I told him I didn’t want kids and throughout the years we’ve been together that hasn’t changed.

He has also told me that he doesn’t really want kids either. I guess things changed when he saw his sister have to go through the motions of being a single mother and being the loving brother he is wants to be able to be there for her through it all.

I know that this means that I’ll have to be a guardian for him by proxy, and I really don’t want that. I cannot stress enough how much I really don’t want kids, and don’t want to be around them 24/7.

He also said that he would feel bad about breaking the lease since it’s only been two months, and that he would continue paying his half of the rent but will be staying at his parents house most of the week in order to be a present “father."

Ever since the baby was born not only has he been putting money into his savings account but he has been spending basically all of his disposable income on everything the baby needs. He hasn’t bought anything for himself like clothes, shoes, video games, or anything that he would normally buy for himself. He says that he plans on being fully financially responsible for him because that’s what a father does.

I know most people would think that this is such an amazing quality to have, and I’m not saying it’s not but it’s just not where I am in my life right now to have a child or be with someone with a child. I genuinely don’t know if I’m valid for feeling this way but it’s been bothering me. My bestie said I would be the a-hole because he’s doing a good thing.

Do I need therapy? Am I wrong for thinking this way? Should I just get over it and stay with him and live my life with my boyfriend and a bonus son? WIBTA if I broke up with him over this?

Here's what people had to say about this one:

EmergencyPainting616 said:

NTA - honestly I find the whole situation pretty strange, especially your partner referring to his nephew as his son. There’s nothing wrong with supporting his sister and her child, but I feel like your partner is getting carried away. This will 100% impact you and your relationship if you choose to stay with him.

Crafty_Special_7052 said:

NTA it does seem weird that he’s referring to his nephew as his son. But besides that obviously his opinions regarding kids probably has changed. With his nephew entering the picture he may now want kids of his own. There’s nothing wrong with breaking up with him because you do not want kids.

coppeliuseyes said:

NTA. There's something about this dynamic that is deeply unsettling to me and to be honest, I think you're better keeping clear of this situation and ending the relationship.

sadsun2day said:

No you won't be TA. I think your bf is too attached to his nephew, he probably have lots of affection for his sister and it got passed to her child especially in his vulnerable situation. He could've secured a better future for him and been a good father figure while staying an uncle with a separate life, yet he is basically trying to be the kid's father by moving closer and calling him his son.

He is free to adopt a father role as long as his sister allows it, and this isn't something you can help with, so what you are left with is whether you want to be involved in this rather unconventional dynamic or not and you obviously don't, so unfortunately the relationship between you and him is now over.

If you wish to have a conversation with him about it you need to focus on you and your relationship with him, don't let him make it about his nephew or his sister and you. Tell him that you understand his decision to be more involved and making his nephew a priority and that you can't decide for him what to do with his family but you decide what to do with your relationship.

Bring up how you not wanting to have a child extends also to this situation as it puts you in a caregiver role even if it's part time. I am sorry your relationship has to end like that but I hope you meet someone who shares your same views.

Own_Lengthiness_6258 said:

NTA - your feelings are valid. as much as being a loving father is a really good trait to have, maybe it just isn’t for you. especially if you had both already agreed to not have any kids, changing that out of the blue seems like something that at the very least warrants a conversation.

My advice would just be to talk to him about how you’re feeling, and about how you don’t want to be a mother, even by proxy. if nothing comes of that, and he goes along with his plan anyways, you should consider your options. as much as breaking up would hurt, him not considering your feelings on something as monumental as having kids is a huge red flag.

Bfan72 said:

NTA. Some questions. Is this his family’s idea? Does his sister really want this? What happens if his sister meets a guy and moves out? If the kids father decides that he wants to be involved in his nephew’s life? It’s going to end badly for him. Breaking up with him is probably the best choice.