'WIBTA for divorcing my wife for accusing me of cheating on her?' 5 NEW UPDATES

"WIBTA for divorcing my wife for accusing me of cheating on her?"

Ok_Cartoonist5220

Quick backstory: Me (44m), my wife Grace (42f). Married for 13 years, together for 16. I met Grace about the time I got out of the military. It was a medical discharge, I met her while I was at the hospital for surgery.

She was a nurse on the floor I was staying on, single mom, divorced for a couple of years. I left the military, went back to school, and now I work from home as a software engineer, more or less. We started dating, took it slow the first couple of years because of her daughter, Maya, who was 5 at the time. Grace is still a nurse and Maya goes to college.

I would have said, until last month, that our marriage was pretty solid. We've had arguments, I admit I was kind of s^%$ at housekeeping when we first moved in together because I was not used to how much kids tear things up around the house.

But other than that it was good. No "step-parent" issues, I had an active role in Maya's life because her own father lives overseas for work. We went on dates. Intimacy has always been great. We wanted kids but it wasn't in the cards for us. Honestly, I'm a bit blindsided.

I've had friends who were "blindsided" by divorce but I never understood how. Usually there were problems that they glossed over and then suddenly their wives would leave them and they just didn't see it coming. But the rest of us could see it coming from a mile away. So here I am saying the same thing and maybe I just missed something huge.

The past few months Grace has been more stressed than usual. Ever since Covid, she's been burnt out and I asked her multiple times if she wanted to quit her job, at least for a couple of years. I thought the burn out was coming to a head, she was withdrawn, angry.

She snapped at me constantly, she ridiculed Maya over everything. But she's my wife, she was traumatised by the pandemic, and both Maya and I were understanding. We would do okay with just my salary so last month I sat her down to suggest again that she quit and take some time off to heal.

Then everything blew up. She started yelling at me that she knew what I was doing. She's known for months. She has proof. I didn't know what she was talking about at first but it didn't take long to realize she was accusing me of infidelity.

I can't lie, I was angry as hell. I opened my phone, handed it to her, told her to go through it. I went and got my laptop, unlocked it, told her to go through that. The whole time she's still shouting at me about some other woman.

I don't have "traditional" social media accounts. I'm on lobsters, hacker news, and I have a reddit account. I told her to check everything, there's no secret Facebook or instagram or whatever. No messages from anyone. I opened discord, even Slack. Everything I could think of. But she wouldn't even look at it. She just got angrier and angrier and then she picked up my laptop and threw it.

That's when I had enough and left. I went to my parent's house. All the while, Grace was texting and calling and leaving more and more unhinged messages about this woman she knows I'm with.

When I got to my parent's house I called her once and told her I needed a few days because I was too angry to handle talking to her. My sister called the next morning and told her Grace had called her multiple times as well to see if I was really there.

After a few days I called Grace to talk and at first the conversation was productive. She apologized for throwing the laptop but she said I made her so angry because I was being so calm.

I told her I was not calm because I was being accused of cheating on my wife and I was furious but it was either try to talk it out or start shouting, which I didn't think was a good idea. Then she got angry, told me I was twisting her words and things felt apart quickly.

She started going on and on again that she knew I was cheating, she had proof. I asked her what proof, because I would like to see it. I don't remember how we got there but she said she was going to send everything to the lawyer and I said fine, send a copy to mine because this was going no where.

She got really quiet after that and asked if I was serious and I said I wasn't going to stay in a marriage where my wife thinks I cheated on her but won't tell me why. We ended the call there and I've been at my parent's house since.

My dad is on my side, my mom thinks Grace is just having a rough time and that we can talk this through. My sister is pissed she got dragged into it so she thinks we're both AHs, and Maya is miserable because she's being torn between me and her mom. I feel like maybe I jumped the gun and should have stayed calmer.

EDIT: My morning meetings are finally over and I need to concentrate on my job so I'm going to be logging out for the day. I'm going to talk to my mom to see if she'll talk to Grace. Suggest therapy, couples therapy, etc.

I believe those of you who suggested missing reasons are correct. Something is causing this, I just don't know if it's something I've done, stress in her life, or if it's full on projection. I don't think it is. But you never know.

I'll assure Maya again that she has a place here no matter what. As far as I'm concerned, she's my daughter and of course she's got a place here if she needs it. However, I also won't try to pressure her considering that's her mom and I know this is pulling her in two ways.

2nd EDIT: Okay, so I took a quick break and thought I'd come back and read a couple comments but there are way too many to read. But there is an overall theme to them so I'll try to quickly address them here.

Someone asked if I was cheating. I understand why you asked that, I never came out and said in the post but let me assure you, no. I'm not cheating. I never have. Granted, those are just words and I'm sure some will think that I'm lying.

But I love my wife. I never wanted to cheat. I'm not a saint, I've been attracted to people. I think Salma Hayek is gorgeous. But the thought of cheating has never crossed my mind.

A lot of people think she's cheating on me. Again, I don't think so. She's home every night at the same time. She doesn't hide away her devices. Could there be someone at work? Yes. Do I think she's cheating? No. But as many pointed out, those are famous last words.

Talking about divorce/staying calm. I have PTSD. I've worked a lot in therapy over the years to process intense emotions. It's why I stay calm. Not because I am, but because if I don't then I get overwhelmed.

The "talk to my lawyer" comment was one of those moments I didn't process well. I don't think it's a good idea to divorce her after over a decade together because of this past month. On the other hand, I know that because it's not a safe place for me mentally, I'll stay at my parents until we get this resolved.

Could it be hormones? Yes. It could. However, my wife is already taking hormones because of a medical procedure she had when she was in her early 30s. Like I said, it wasn't in the cards to have kids. She has to see the doctor usually every six months to check her levels. Her last appointment was in March. However, her mood changes started before that.

Mental health issues? This is what I think it Is personally. Like I said, Grace has been building up to a burn out for a while now. These mood changes started a while ago, it's why I brought up taking time off of work. It's why I brought it up again last month when she blew up at me.

I think this is stress. It's why I haven't actually contacted a lawyer. Because I hope my marriage can be saved. I think I just wanted reassurance from a neutral 3rd party because I'm so far out of my depth here.

To those who say don't get my mom involved. My mom already is. She and Grace are incredibly close. She's called Grace every day to check on her. Grace has no contact with her own family.

So I'm not really involving mom as much as I'm just asking her to suggest marriage counselling to her the next time she calls. I sure as hell don't want to get some other party involved in this, so I'm not going to contact a friend to talk to my wife.

I haven't been no contact with my wife since I left. I probably should have clarified that. She messages me, sometimes it's the same silly stuff we've always talked about like random memes she's found or crap her coworkers are doing.

And sometimes it's her begging me to just tell her the truth. I'm exhausted mentally from this all and at the end of my rope. I've suggested therapy a couple of times already but that's gotten nowhere. Hopefully mom bringing it up might help.

Why the throwaway? Because my coworkers also have accounts here and I don't want them to see this post. They might but hopefully software guy in his 40s with a wife in nursing is generic enough to American audiences that they won't know it's me. But if it's on my actual account, they definitely will. No one at work knows and I'd like to keep it that way.

I think that's everything. I want to add though, please don't disparage my wife. I'm upset over this because my wife is a great woman. She's smart, she's funny, she's sweet. She's been a wonderful mother and that's why I've been worried the past few months about her. Because this is so out of character.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:

mustang19671967

Usually when blanketmaccusations it Is because they are doing it . Investigate her cheating especially if in an at fault state.

Ok_Cartoonist5220 OP:

I don't think she's cheating, but then you're right. It could be projection.

TravelingPhotoDude

I wonder if she got the scam your husband is cheating text scam going around. They will say they were cheating with their husband and usually ask for money for the proof.

She got the text, and thinks it's proof the lady did cheat with her husband and is now waiting for the "proof" and that is why she hasn't provided it. It's been a common scam as of late. The proof will never come if they paid for it. They just get dragged along for awhile.

ViewtifulGene

It sounds like she made up her mind already and is just trying to trap you. She doesn't actually want a discussion. She wants you to blow up so she has cause for a divorce. Run.

She's a sociopath. Her unwillingness to even consider therapy is a red flag. That and she refused to present evidence for her claims. She ostensibly is not acting in good faith.

Self-inflicted-

Your nurse wife is cheating on you and projecting her insecurities onto you. Go check her phone.

Historical-Income666

Has she developed some psychological/psychiatric problems? Depression? Would be useful to rule that out.

5 days later OP came back with this update:

I don't have the energy or patience to go back to AITA so I am just doing this here. A quick and dirty update: No. My wife is not cheating on me. As far as I know, she's not sick, got a tumour, or showing signs of early dementia. If she were, those things would be easier to process. Maybe it's perimenopause or menopause, I don't know. I don't care.

Yes, I will be seeking a divorce. No I will not go into it farther. I have already spoken to a lawyer. Maya is currently living with me and my parents. I will be looking for an apartment/condo to rent soon. I feel like I've overstayed my welcome. Maya is thinking of taking some time off to visit her dad. I don't blame her.

I'm a f^%$#$ mess right now. I don't even know why I logged back into this account other than to say no, my wife really wasn't cheating on me. I can honestly say I wish she was. It'd be so much f^%$#$ easier than this s^%$. Thanks for the advice and the concern.

7 days later OP posted this update: "I'm a bit drunk, be patient with me..."

I saw my wife earlier today. Wanted to sit down and start talking about what divorce was going to look like between us. We have over a decade of our finances, our home, our lives intermingled. I've been paying for Maya's school. It's her job that we get most of our insurance coverage from. I put the down payment on our house, but she's paid off just as much of it as I have.

We'll have lawyers do all this but at the same time I just wanted to look at her and make her see what she was doing. Divorce isn't just a word, it's a real concrete thing. The lives that we have been living are over as we know it. We're not old, it's not like we can't move on from this, but at the same time I've been her husband for so long I don't know who I am without her.

When I got home I started drinking and I haven't stopped all evening. Which is stupid, don't do what I did. I just, couldn't stop. I kept seeing here, sitting across from me. Refusing to look at me. I don't know her anymore. And I'm not sure if I ever did. My therapist talks about masking right?

Because of the PTSD and adhd. I mask a lot with coworkers or clients or whatever, but I never had to mask at home. And now I'm wondering if this entire marriage she was just masking being happy with me.

Was she miserable the whole time? Did she pick me because I was stable and a good dad figure to Maya? I'm not ugly, I'm not handsome either. Our s%$ life was good but was it? Was she just doing it because she learned all that as a kid that she had to please her husband?

I feel sick. I feel like I a%$#$d her because I don't know how much of it was her and how much was just the programming she went through in that church.

And Maya, christ, Maya is just... she's not great. She's trying so hard to be stoic and strong but she's my baby girl. I taught her how to fish and she's better at it than I am! She taught me how to knit when I was having trouble with work during the pandemic and struggling with the lockdown. She's such an amazing kid and she's hurting and I hate Julie for that. I hate her for hurting our kid.

But I love her. and that hurts too. I don't know what the point of this was. I came back to read over the theories about cheating on me or menopause. I thought what we had was fixable. I thought if I worked at it we could change things. And it's just over. It's so final. Let that be a lesson, sometimes s^%$ just ends and there is nothing any of us can do about it.

25 days later OP came back with this update:

I planned on updating last night before bed but I fell asleep quite early. So here's a quick and dirty update before coffee and work.

FIrst, I have officially met with a lawyer last week. From what she said, it will take about ten to twenty business days before my ex wife will be properly served. Beyond that it could take anywhere from a couple of months to over a year depending on how complicated untangling our finances are.

I am no longer in contact with my ex and neither is Maya. She has text me a few times, sometimes accusing me of not being man enough to be a proper husband and sometimes sending me cute cat pictures. It's like I see the person I married in there but for the most part she seems to be gone.

I've gotten a few different messages and as I'm not the best at replying to strangers, I'll try to post it here. No, I'm not going to have my ex-wife committed. I know the version of Christianity she's with is cult like. It demands obedience in all forms and punishes anyone who steps outside of that.

She certainly has religious trauma. But she's also an adult and not "psychotic" as one person so eloquently put it. I think that if she were to ever get proper help she might be able to move on from the trauma. But no one can force her to do that. I know, I tried for years to talk her into therapy.

I'm not abusing alcohol or becoming an alcoholic. I got drunk one night. I don't suggest it to anyone. I haven't really done that much since I was in my early twenties and it was a very uncomfortable experience. I forgot how awful it actually is to feel so numb and yet feel everything so intensely.

Don't worry, I'm not going to fall off some sort of edge into an addicts abyss. If anything, that just cemented why I don't drink more than a beer or two at a bbq. And it also reminded me that I'm in my 40s now and hangovers are so much worse now.

I can't get custody of Maya because she's an adult. I pay for her college and I'm going to continue to do so. She's my little girl, no matter how old she gets, and she'll always have a home with me. As for Maya, she's officially put a pause on school this semester.

She's going to go stay with her father for a month, travel a bit around Europe for a month and then hopefully be back before Thanksgiving, no later than Christmas (she may go back to her dad and stay a second month with him). I'm apprehensive about traveling about her traveling Europe by herself. I know people do it every day but they're not my kids. She is. So I worry.

I still haven't found a place. I looked at some rentals but my parents reminded me it would be better to buy if I can find something small enough. So right now I'm looking at various condos in my price range.

A condo feels more manageable than a house. Depending on where I am in the divorce when I finally find something and get offers accepted, my parents will front me the costs and I can pay them back over the next year or two.

I guess the only shocking update I have is from our mutual friends. I found out from a few of them that my ex wife had just cut them off or told them we didn't want their friendships. And since my ex and I were pretty much attached at the hip, they didn't think to ask me if that was right.

Or maybe I was so distracted with my own issues and with my ex having such a difficult time that I didn't notice they had stopped coming around or texting or left group chats or whatever. I need to take more responsibility there.

I wasn't paying attention to anything but my ex. I didn't notice just how stressed Maya was. I knew she was tense but I didn't notice just how bad it had gotten. I didn't notice our friends slowly disappearing.

I didn't notice changes in my own behaviour. That's the insidious part. We were circling the drain back in January but I was clinging to this hope that if I just got my ex some help that things would mend themselves.

Now Maya is so stressed she doesn't want to go back to school. My work has suffered, though thankfully my boss has been there and is being very understanding. My friendships have to be repaired and I don't even know where to start getting them to trust me again.

That's it. Everything feels like it's moving at a snails pace and I just want everything to be over with. And yet, everything feels like it's rushing by and still turning my life upside down. I know it will eventually even itself out. Things will get better or at the very least I'll no longer feel like I'm stuck in a tumbler drier with sneakers.

About 3 weeks later OP came back with this update:

The divorce papers have been served. This past Wednesday. Grace didn't take it well. There were several angry phone calls that I ignored and one I finally took.

She accused me of turning Maya against her. As if calling her own daughter a whore wasn’t enough on its own. We hashed out the whole cheating thing again. She waved it off. Evidently, to her, the accusation wasn't that serious. And I should have forgiven her for her mistake and instead I've abandoned her.

Which I guess in some ways is true. I left. But I don’t know what she wanted. I don’t know what she thought was going to happen. I still don’t understand the end game here. Her family’s goals, sure. They wanted to split us up and they succeeded beautifully. But what the did she think was going to happen?

She said I wasn't a real man. A real man wouldn't have let her work, I guess. Once again, I pointed out that I told her multiple times she could quit her job but that fell on deaf ears. She made it abundantly clear that she's going to fight me on every bit of this divorce, so there goes any hope for something as simple and clean as possible.

She's told me she's already looking for other men to replace me but almost tin the same breath told me that I can't divorce her.

Because of her reaction I have put on hold any thoughts about buying a place. My parents are thinking of buying a cabin near a lake and if they do that then I can eventually buy their current home.

But until then I will be looking for an apartment. I need the space. I can't keep tripping over them. I love them to death but they're hovering because they're worried. But I just want some quiet and some time to myself.

Maya left for her dad's. She arrived last Monday and we FaceTimed twice already. She's enjoying the time away from her mom and away from the drama. I told her to go an enjoy herself and that things are fine here but I think she's worried about me too so we set up Sunday nights to be our weekly Skype call.

Some of my friends have been bugging me to go out or start a dating profile. And some friends have been making me random food items (think jams, sugar cream pies, casseroles). I appreciate the food a lot. I've probably gained five pounds just from the jams alone. My friend Heather made me homemade apple butter and quite frankly I ate it all in two days. It was amazing.

I'm staying away from dating. I'll try to stay away from the apple butter as well.

4 days later OP posted this a tech support forum: "My soon to be ex wife posted some lies on Facebook and it's impacting my job. Is there a way I can the post taken down?"

My soon to be ex wife and I are going through an acrimonious divorce. I had divorce papers served this past week and she didn't take it well. After a really angry phone call from her I thought that was that.

However I got an email from my boss this evening about some concerns he had. Quick history: I didn't have Facebook but my wife did. She was the more social of us two and kept up with group chats and what not via various social medias.

I knew that some of my coworkers and their spouses had become friends with her online because sometimes we all went out to dinners and that's how we set up group dates.

I never really thought about it until the email from my boss. I'm sorry if I'm rambling I"m just not sure what I need to include. Before I left my wife, she accused me of cheating. Which I had not done. Then she accused me of sleeping with her daughter, who I raised since childhood. She's my daughter too as far as I'm concerned. That was the last straw and I filed for divorce.

My ex announced our divorce on a Facebook post claiming that she left me because I abused her and our daughter and that my daughter has left the country because she's so ashamed. From what I gather, my coworker's wife saw it, she told him, he told my boss, my boss told me.

There has to be steps I can take but I have no idea what they are. My boss, thankfully, knows me and knows it's not true. But I have no idea how this is going to impact my job, what my coworkers think, what their spouses think. It's just one s*%^ moment after another and I don't know what to do.

I made a Facebook account and reported the post but I have no idea if that's going to go anywhere. I've emailed my attorney, but it's Sunday so I won't hear back from them until at least tomorrow but possibly not for a couple of days. Is there anything else I can do?