'WIBTA for going to my friend's un-wedding reception?' + UPDATE
"WIBTA for going to my friend's un-wedding reception?"
3454324
My buddy Kalen was supposed to get married to his (ex?) fiancee Kayley next weekend. They were together like 4-5 years and seemed like a perfect couple in love, happy, always doing sweet things for each other, etc.
We always joked that they were relationship goals. So, everyone was shocked when Kayley called us last week frantically asking if we knew where Kalen was. He just didn't come home from work that day, no warning, no nothing.
I don't know what all went down but a couple of days ago Kayley makes a post that the wedding is off but there's still going to be an un-wedding party/reception because it's too late for to get most of the refunds.
Immediately after, Kalen starts messaging all of us upset, asking if we're going. Apparently he was going through something but wanted to stay together, and Kayley broke up with him instead.
Now he's devastated.
He's furious that we're thinking of partying when that will be just a hard day for him and he needs support. Our friends are split.
The way I see it, I already took time off for the wedding, our our cabins are already booked and I don't know if we can get refunds, we already bought new clothes for the wedding, and we were looking forward to a romantic weekend away in the mountains.
It sucks that Kalen is heartbroken, but he kind of brought it on himself. Plus, Kayley has upgraded the cash bar to an open bar. But my other friends think that since we're his friends first.
They think we should be there for him when he's going through a hard time even if it's his own fault, and that we'll be responsible if he harms himself while we're partying and drinking. They say we should use the time off to do something nice with him instead.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
RichAlexanderIII
NTA. Wtf are you going through that you couldn’t even call or text the person you were supposed to marry?? Clearly the excuse wasn’t good enough if she broke up with him anyway. Enjoy the open bar!
tbcwpg
My money is on pre-wedding jitters and he panicked, tried to tell her he's decided he wants to get married after all, which would undoubtedly not go over well.
PurrPrinThom
Or he had the jitters, panicked, and then wanted to stay together but not get married. I've seen that a couple times.
Alfa_Numeric
Either way, there’s no reason to not call someone, anyone. He’s way too immature to get married. Imagine having to rely on him when giving birth?
yet_another_sock
Plus if he was mature enough to be meaningfully remorseful about hurting Kayley with any of that shitty immature behavior, he'd respect her wishes and her well-being. Kayley wants her support system at this party, and yeah, that includes you guys, who are her friends too. Whatever his own issue is, he hurt her badly and he's not interested in letting her heal.
Two weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
3454324
A few people messaged me asking for updates so here it is. Hope it's not too anticlimactic. Though I didn't make it clear in the first post. I do consider both Kayley and Kalen to be good friends, and wanted to support them both.
So my girlfriend and I decided to take the advice for her to go to the unwedding, and I would stay and hang out with Kalen, as long as we stay in town (can't afford that expense on top of what we spent on the wedding)
Kalen didn't want to stay in though, because it's too depressing, which I get. I'd rather go road tripping with buddies than sit at home thinking about my broken heart, too. But that would leave me sitting at home alone on a long weekend which doesn't really help him anyway.
Long story short, Gf went up Friday night with friends, I hung out with Kalen and the guys until they headed headed out on Saturday afternoon, then drove up to join her. He wasn't thrilled but seems to understand.
The party itself wasn't as awkward as I was worried it would be, but not a crazy shindig either. It was more like a family reunion for her family and also a bunch of our friends.
Just a chill long weekend vibe. Kayley never mentioned Kalen, the wedding or any of the drama. But of course everyone was gossiping. Kayley's sister "Lisa" filled my GF in on a lot of details.
The condensed, stripped-down, version is that Kalen did admit to spending at least part of his missing weekend in town with a female coworker, or former coworker (unclear), but says nothing happened.
He told Kayley he was nervous about the wedding and she's a good friend. The coworker confirms they never hooked up, but she also said that he never told her he wasn't single, which he said is a lie/mistake.
I don't know what to believe. Kalen still won't talk about it which, that's his business, but it doesn't make him look good. My girlfriend and I dipped out early and spent the next couple of days just hiking, chilling and not putting out any fires for the first time since mid 2020.
So yeah, that's the update, not a lot of drama. The closest we came to drama was when I got texts from the other group warning that Kalen wanted to drive up to the party and drunkenly confront Kayley.
But they calmed him down quickly (he's a mopey, docile, drunk) and nothing happened. Sorry it's not more exciting, but people messaged me asking how it went and I didn't want to leave you hanging.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Expensive-Network-93
Buddy, you know your friend isn't a good person lol you don't need to defend him to internet strangers. he did something incredibly shady the week of his wedding and is upset his fiance isn't a pushover. you can say it.
mia_lovebug
Kalen really dug his own hole here. I mean, “Kalen did admit to spending at least part of his missing weekend in town with a female coworker” - that’s some top-tier questionable choices. Too bad he didn't think that through before he lost his fiancée.
SnooWords4839
And the coworker didn't know he wasn't single.
GlitterDoomsday
The close friend he was supposedly spending time with to calm the nerves about his wedding didn't know he wasn't single. Not one of the bros he wanted there after to support him....
dryadduinath
Oh Kalen. Poor poor Kalen. How could he know that spending a weekend with a single female coworker who he let believe he was single and disappearing without a word to his fiance would mean the relationship would end? Wow. Truly he could not be blamed, and deserves so much sympathy.
That said, I am glad his boys stopped him from showing up to the party. Although if he did “confront” Kayley in front of her whole family, I do hope someone would have tossed his ass out regardless. Still, this was better.
CuddleCrush
Kalen acting like he didn't do anything wrong is a whole mood. Like bro, own your mess. But hey, open bar was calling.