'WIBTA if I didn’t get my husband anything for Father’s Day?'
"WIBTA if I didn’t get my husband anything for Father’s Day?"
Long_Analysis_6000
For context my husband and I are relatively new parents. We have one baby together, 14 months old. This past Mother’s Day my husband acknowledged it and told me “Happy Mother’s Day” but he didn’t do anything for me or get me anything.
No card or flowers, nothing. Before Mother’s Day he asked what I’d like for a gift and I told him I’d like him to hire a cleaner to deep clean our bathroom but that never happened and he hasn’t mentioned it since so I don’t think he has any intention of doing that. I also did everything concerning both our moms’ gifts, like I always do, so he didn’t have to worry about that either.
The night of Mother’s Day I expressed my disappointment about it and he said he basically waited until the last second to get me something and then forgot. I don’t feel like that was a good excuse.
I contacted my MIL about it to get some advice about what I should do and she said my FIL would talk to him about it later. I assume that happened because the evening after they saw each other I came home to flowers and a card. That was a few days after Mother’s Day. It still really rubs me the wrong way that my husband didn’t try to make amends until his dad tore into him.
Now I’m not sure how I should go about Father’s Day tomorrow. I could get him proper gifts and treat him as if nothing happened, give him something days late like he did for me, or not do anything for him at all.
Both my mom and FIL have said i should just “return the favor” and not get him anything. I’m leaning towards taking their advice, but would I be going too far if I did that?
I don’t want to be vindictive but I also don’t want to give him the impression that what happened was no big deal to me because I’m still pretty sore about it a month later. So WIBTA if I didn’t get my husband anything for Father’s Day this year?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
HoyaHag
Treat others as you would like to be treated.
As a Father’s Day gift, hire someone to deep clean your bathroom.
messy_thoughts47
100%. Give him a card with a thoughtful message if you're so inclined and hire someone to deep clean the bathroom.
Prudent_Fold190
I don’t think you’d be the AH if you didn’t give him anything. But if you want to change things, give him the experience you wanted. Make him feel special in all the ways you wanted to feel special. Set a precedent. And after Father’s Day (so it doesn’t ruin the day for him) explain that you expect that level of effort next Mother’s Day.
My husband’s love language is not gift giving either. I’ve found I have to be very direct about what I expect from him well in advance and follow up close to the date (this goes for any holiday). It’s unfortunate he doesn’t put in the same effort as I do but he shows his love and appreciation in other ways.
Even_Enthusiasm7223
If you want to continue the pettiness and try to one-up him on the see what it feels like to forget a gift and a holiday scenario and don't get him anything. Or get him a card and say Happy Father's Day and don't do much. But if you're trying to copy him to hurt him back, it more than likely won't work.
Do what feels right for you. You listen to other people and you're trying to show him how it feels. More than likely you won't even show up on his radar. You want to be Petty back and then if he does it to you again for another holiday and you do for him.
You're in a cycle of pettiness that never ends. Not saying you have to be the bigger person or forgive him. But if you really want to hone in on a person for getting stuff, don't forget them.
Don't make a big deal about it. Send him a card. Send them in electronic card. Do something really small, just the thing that you remind him of the holiday and that he can't remember you on your holiday. You don't have to be Petty about it. And you don't need to do spousal revenge. NTA.
Last_Nerve12
I'd say follow your in-laws' advice. If you're not important enough to acknowledge on Mother's Day, then he's not important enough to acknowledge on Father's Day. Oh, and STOP making sure there are gifts from him to family. Let him do it himself.
mommy-long-legs13
NTA but it don’t think it’ll solve the problem. More than anything, though - how will it make YOU feel? Would guilt bother you? Is it going to make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells?
Strange_Being_6033
NTA You are not being vindicitive. Your husband set the precident so just follow his example.
buttleakMcgee
Show him the same effort. If he didn't care to get you anything and you go all out then he probably won't give a crap about mothers day next year. You will keep giving everything all you got year after year with nothing in return. Showing him the same effort isn't petty. It is not wasting effort for someone that show you none.
spitfountain42069
NTA I suppose because the act itself of not getting him anything isn’t awful. But it feels like you need to talk some things out a bit more with your partner because you obviously have unresolved resentment or frustration. I’m assuming, anyways, if you’d want to do something petty like not get him a present purely because he didn’t get you one.
CamBCL
The person who said to hire someone to deep clean the bathroom is the winner! But also…it sounds like you and your husband haven’t really had a conversation about Mother’s Day since he spoke to his parents. It’s nice that he finally did something, but did you get the sense that he understood why he was wrong? And that it won’t be an issue again?
Or did he just not talk about it: a card and flowers and no acknowledgement of what caused it all? And no acknowledgement of all the emotional labour you are doing (i.e. handling all the Mother’s Day stuff for his mother)?
If it’s the latter, then there’s a conversation that still needs to be had. Especially as it sounds as though you are (understandably) still hurt by it, and because it doesn’t address the extra work you are doing on his behalf.