Man tired of his own happiness 'triggering' his friend's depression; 'everyone is happy but him'. AITA?
"WIBTA if I rubbed my happiness in my friends face?"
I have a friend Darwin 26m that is depressed, this has been going on for more than 3 years. When he first told us (my friend Luke and I) we begged him to go to therapy or tell his parents so that they could help him find a therapist, I reached out to the university therapist but he didn’t want to go.
Since then, he told me to not talk to him about therapy anymore. I think it all started when his girlfriend broke up with him but we weren’t really close back then (5 years ago).
I try being supportive but what can I do? He sent a message last year insinuating he’s going to end it so I called him to talk to him, begging him not to do anything until Luke went to his house to calm him down.
We finished our degree and Darwin went back to his parent’s house (about an hour away). My mother in law lives not for away so last time I went there I invited him for coffee at her house, his response was “thanks, that’s nice of you, but no thanks”. TBH I felt a bit hurt but I didn’t say anything cause I am very careful about what to say around him.
I also invited him to my house with our other friends and wanted to do lunch instead of dinner so that he doesn’t drive so late at night, again he refused. He only joins us sometimes when we play online and he sounds fine but we don’t really talk about his situation since only Luke and I know.
Luke’s birthday is coming up and we both reached out for him to come and celebrate. In the meantime, I had my daughter and Luke got a girlfriend. Luke is so excited since he really wanted to be in a real relationship and I am so happy for him.
So I told him to bring his girlfriend so that we could meet her. He said he is worried that if I bring my daughter, he brings his girlfriend and one of our other friends brings her boyfriend that Darwin will think that everyone is happy but him.
Me on the other hand, I thought that maybe if he sees that Luke got a girlfriend when he started his job that he will see that he will find someone one day without really looking. I don’t know, maybe since he is depressed he will probably see things in the negative way?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
NTA…but this is not going to help Darwin wake up from his depression. He has options. He chooses not to try them. You have tried as much as you can, but there comes a time, when you need to say, enough is enough. For whatever reason(s), Darwin does not engage with you and Luke. After three years, do you still want to be the only ones trying to reach out and maintain a relationship?
TBH I felt a bit offended when he refused my invitation and I wanted to stop trying, but then I thought he must be really feeling like crap all the time and since we are his only friends no one else will help him and I think about what if he does something to himself out of loneliness.
IDK i'm not a doctor but i imagine feeling lonely can worsen his situation. Just to vent clear, we finished uni last may so we used to see him every day, some days he was really good but maybe he was faking. He was the one to tell us that this has been going on for a while.
NTA I do not think that inviting someone out with your loved ones is the same as rubbing his face in your happiness. He would probably enjoy it more in smaller groups though. You are a good person to be concerned for your friend and it must be frustrating to watch them do little to help themselves.
NTA. You're not rubbing your happiness in his face, you're just living your life. You can't predict how a sick person will react to any given stimulus, positive or negative, because sometimes the same thing can have a totally different effect one day than it did on a different day.
A lot of things about mental illness don't make solid sense or ALWAYS behave a specific way. It's a hell I have struggled with for nearly 20 years myself. But what I can say for sure is that there is a difference between treating someone with consideration, and treating someone like they are made of glass.
Pretending you don't have a life so that you can appear to be as miserable as he is won't do him any favors, and it's a disservice to yourself. Do your thing, live your life, and he'll either cope or he won't.
You have zero power to affect how well he copes with the world continuing to spin around him. What you can do is just continue to exist in his circle so he knows you are there if he needs you. Keep reaching out.
Nta You are not rubbing happiness in his face. You have been caring, respectful and kind to him, as evidenced in you carefully choosing your words with him. Depression discolors your whole view of life without you realizing it. There could be a lot of reasons that he doesn't want to get treatment for Depression.
Sometimes, people attach a stigma to it, sometimes they are just not wanting to admit or accept they have a serious problem. Some people believe it is a weakness to have Depression. ( I don't believe that) They suffer instead of doing more to help themselves, admitting they need help is the first step.
No one would deny someone who has cancer, the need for proper medical treatment. It can be life saving or prolong life. Generally speaking there isn't or shouldn't be a stigma for it. (There are certain religious beliefs as exceptions). Getting treatment for mental health problems should be looked at in the same way, necessary to sustain quality of life. I hope this helps.