"AITA for telling my wife I can't enforce boundaries with my mom and we lost our right to when we moved in with her?"

My wife and I recently had to move in with my mom along with our one year old son. My mom has made it very clear that we are ruining her life and she hates having us here. I know in a lot of families adult children moving in is normal but in this situation she is clearly doing us a favor and is pissed about it.

I have been having a hard time setting boundaries with my mom, because her answer is if we don't like it we can leave and to be honest that sounds fair. Don't get me wrong, I still say something when she is rude to my wife, but as for real boundaries and consequences, I just don't have any leverage. My wife has been on me lately about how I need to do more to set boundaries.

One thing my mom does that my wife hates is use the word b!tch in place of you in a sentence. Previously I set a boundary that if my mom called either of us a b!tch we would leave and not visit for x amount of time, but now that we live here she laughs and tells me to please go. So my hands quite literally are tied.

Well tonight my mom came down to go to a work party and MIL who was visiting made a comment about how her outfit was going to get her fired. My mom said "I'm the boss no one can fire me." My wife gave me a look but I just shrugged because I felt MIL was rude.

My wife spoke up and said that I am a coward and she is going to remind my mom of our boundary and we are sick of how she uses that word. My mom then looked at my wife and said "ok I'll say [c-word] next time, dumb [c-word]" I was in shock and yelled at her to shut up and told her I hate her.

She left for her party and I thought it was over, but my wife and MIL both began telling me how I needed to set consequences for my mom and how it shouldn't be so easy for her to insult my wife.

I responded that we lost our right to set boundaries when we moved into her house. I don't like it either, but she owns our lives, and I'm not going to make a fool of myself and come off as some choosy beggar. I said for now she really can say what she wants. MIL muttered something under her breath and my wife began to scream at me.

My wife is currently not speaking to me and says I can't come in our room tonight. she called me weak and told me to crawl in bed with my mom which honestly hurt because my mom has multiple locks on her door as she DOeSn'T tRUsT uS

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

penguin_squeak said:

NTA At least you realize you're two broke adults with a child living with your mother. And your mother has made it abundantly clear, if you don't like it, move out. If your wife wants boundaries, she needs to move out. And you're wife can't tell anyone where they can go in a home she's squatting in because she's a broke ass adult with a child living with her mother in law.

Edit: And your wife's mother won't even let her move in because her husband will leave. So let that sink in, you're two broke ass adults without many options. Your wife needs to understand, she doesn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of, she does not have the upper hand or moral high ground.

TachycardicSymphony said:

Good lord. ESH, but you and your wife most of all. Your mom doesn't WANT you there. Why would she change her behavior to accommodate you when she literally wants you to leave??

Ask your wife if you can all move in with MIL or something. But leave. This story is ridiculous. Yeah your mom doesn't sound like a peach but you two imposed on her when she doesn't want you to be there in the first place.

back-to-lumby said:

INFO: what have you both done to get shunned by your families? Feels like a lot is being left out if you and your wife don't get along with your own families.

OP responded:

My mom has emotional issues and couldn’t deal with my wife being in the picture, change, compromise and would rather just nuke the relationship. MILs husband just says he didn’t sign up for this as my wife was an adult when he married mil and that she annoys him. He doesn’t like people and doesn’t want a baby in the house

And ashleighbuck said:

ESH except the kid & you need to move ASAP. And why are you inviting MIL over if she's going to be saying sh!tty things to your mom? Yeah, your mom sucks royally, but you chose to move in with her. But MIL should keep her mouth shut. What she said was wrong.

Is it possible for just your wife & child to move in with MIL while you wait it out with your mom? (Or will MIL's husband also not allow that?) I know it's not optimal, but allowing someone as toxic as your mother around your child isn't optimal either. Or does you wife have a friend she & the kid can stay with? It might be easier for her to find temporary housing if it's just the two of them.

And OP responded:

MIL's husbands problems are mainly with my wife, so he would never allow that. We don't have anyone else who could take us. Thankfully my mom really is never around my son unless she comes into the kitchen. We aren't allowed in the same room as her, so he doesn't see her.

Whose side are you on?!