'My wife is sad because I got my sister a much more 'romantic' Christmas gift than I got her. AITA?'
"My wife is sad because I got my sister a much more 'romantic' Christmas gift than I got her. AITA?"
Last night, my family hosted the gift party. We invited siblings, parents, and grandparents. The party was going great, and everyone was genuinely happy when they opened their gifts.
My wife had a Christmas list, and I got my wife all the items from the Christmas list. My sister opened her gift last, and after looking at the gift for a minute, she broke down in tears and hugged me.
For context, when my sister’s first boyfriend broke up with her back in high school, it really hurt her. I still remember how she was when she came home from school that afternoon, she was just a mess. She was also going through a lot of other issues.
That night, I drove her to a park near where we lived and we just sat on the grass and looked at the stars. It was really emotional and my sister still talks about that night occasionally.
So for my sister’s Christmas gift this year, I got her a canvas of a customized star map of what the stars in the sky looked like that night. I also wrote a personalized note on that canvas.
Everyone wanted to have a look and they thought it was a really sweet gift. Well everyone except my wife. Later that night, my wife told me how she hurt she was feeling that I chose that romantic gift for my sister and not for her.
I told my wife there was nothing romantic about that gift, and besides that gift didn’t even cost that much. My wife’s Christmas gift list cost a lot, and I was happy to get my wife every item on the list. I just didn’t understand why my wife was feeling sad.
I told my wife if she wants the star map, I can get her one too, of what the stars looked like in the sky the night I proposed to her. But my wife told me it isn’t the same, and to leave it.
This morning, my wife still looks somewhat sad. AITA?
I don’t understand where I went wrong. I thought we had a perfect Christmas.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
I feel like there's a lot more context needed here. Do you normally give other people really thoughtful. heartfelt gifts, while just checking off items on your wife's list? Or do you try to give her thoughtful gifts too?
She's not mad about the gift, she's mad about the thought that went into it, and how she doesn't feel like you gave her that amount of emotional effort. Meanwhile, you're acting like spending money on her is the equivalent of emotional effort.
To most people, they are not the same thing. Then, when she says she's upset, you acted like the gift itself, the star map, was the issue, and again put no emotional effort into the response you gave, and said you would juts copy/paste the same gift you gave your sister. She didn't want THE MAP. She wants the effort and the thought and the care.
I would bet this goes a lot deeper than just this one Christmas. How often do you put effort into other relationships while acting like your relationship with the person you chose to marry is on the backburner?
So the problem seems to be that you gave an emotional, meaningful and thoughtful gift to your sister. You ticked items to buy off a list for your wife. Like buying groceries. See the difference? I'm not going to say YTA, but seriously, my guy. Your wife is crying out that she needs to be romanced a bit.
You can get all huffy and technical and go "I got her gifts! Good gifts! Tht she wanted! Unreasonable!" or you can recognize that that flash of jealousy she showed over your sister's beautiful gift was a sign of her care for you and her craving for you to give her the same thoughtfulness and emotion, instead of $$$.
INFO - Why does your wife make a list? Is it because you ask, say things like you never know what to get her, or get her stuff she doesn’t want or use?
Seems like you were really thoughtful and caring for your sister - and most likely your wife did not feel you paid the same attention and care to her gifts (the sister gift was a lovely mix of history, care and effort)
Romantic doesn’t mean sexual, it means full of love. Your gift to your sister was absolutely romantic in that you put thought, love, and lots of effort into a special moment of love that the two of you shared years ago that she still remembers fondly.
You may have spent a lot of money on your wife, but you get her things she told you she wanted. You didn’t use thought, care or love, to read and press “order” or swipe a card on things you’ve been given a list for.
I don’t know that you’re the asshole necessarily, but I think instead of getting defensive you could use this moment as your wife telling you about something that she needs. Not doing the exact same thing for her that you did for her sisters, but taking opportunities to be romantic and show her that you’re putting thought and effort into a gift that she didn’t hand you the idea for on a effing silver platter.
Am I the only one that finds it weird that the night of this breakup from high school has been memorialized so deeply? I don’t know a person who hasn’t had a high school heart break. Most people realize down the road that it really was not that deep. I have an 18 year old and every crisis is the end of the world for about a day. And in a week or so, we laugh about the dramatics of the moment and move on.
But I do agree with the others who’ve said you checked off your wife’s boxes with no thought. Next year when she hands you a list, ask her if she wants what’s on the list or what you would have otherwise chosen from the heart.