Woman accuses newly 'skinny' sister of being 'abused' by 'fat-shaming' misogynist husband; sister says, 'YOU'RE WRONG.' AITA?

When this woman is concerned about her sister, she asks the internet:

"AITA because my sister has to stay skinny?"

Growing up my sister was always average to slightly chubby but a few years ago she got married and then suddenly became super skinny. We didn't see her for a few months after her wedding so it was a huge shock when we finally saw her thin body. I honestly thought she had anorexia or something like that.

My parents even asked her if she was unwell and her husband was the one who brushed us all off and made a comment about how beautiful she looks.

Over the years it's become very obvious that her skinny body is her husband's choice. She barely eats these days when before her appetite rivalled the men in the family. I've noticed she eats less when her husband is here which is directly because he shoots everyone down when we try to express any concern for her even if it's subtle.

Yesterday my cousin was gushing over how good my sister looks and complaining that she doesn't have the willpower to get to her weight. My sister didn't say much but my sister-in-law (brother's wife) and cousins were all agreeing and gushing about my sister's weight.

I didn't think it was good or healthy that they were romanticising her weight as some of my cousins are early teens so I warned them being that skinny wasn't healthy and the only reason my sister was that skinny because she had to because of her husband.

The cousin who originally brought up the topic joked that she would do it too if she had my sister's life and then changed the subject so I thought that was the end of that.

However, my sister confronted me when we were alone and yelled at me for making her husband seem like some toxic controlling misogynist. She accused me of being jealous and having no idea what I was talking about.

My sister isn't a confrontational person and it was completely out of character for her to react that way so I apologised even though I stand by what I said. She hasn't forgiven me so was I TA?

Let's see what readers thought:

feaginn writes:

NTA. The way the husband respondes to the concerns of the family it is more likely that this is the body image of his wife that he wants her to look like.

I agree that if she was sick she would have told the family. I am also assuming that if your sister lost normal amount of weight because she wanted a more healthy weight she would have spoke up and said something about a training schedule and/or healthy diet.

You describe her weight loss as though it looks like she has become anorexic... I think that you are right and your concerns are valid.

elagk writes:

YTA. Did you ever ask your sister why she lost the weight?
My brother used to be "average to slightly chubby" until he met his girlfriend.

He then decided he wanted to do something about his figure, which means that, yes, when we are together and he's eyeing a second glass of wine, his girlfriend will give him disapproving looks or say something about it, because guess what: That's what they both agreed to do: Help each other resist certain temptations that they can't avoid all by themselves.

All I'm seeing here is "she changed so she must only be doing it for her husband", without any motivations as to why that would only be the husband's choice.

Did your sister actually tell you she "had to" because of her husband, or is that just you filling in for her?

agapp writes:

NTA you are absolutely right and all the yta votes in the comment are incredibly gullible. Your observation is obviously correct since if she had health issues she would tell you.

baltimeow writes:

YTA, even if you knew for sure your sister had an ED or was in an abusive/controlling relationship your actions are that of an AH. You embarrassed and demeaned her in front of a group, if she does need help you’ve shown yourself as someone not to go to for her.

Then you gave her a perfunctory apology that you’ve told us you didn’t mean, people can tell when someone isn’t being genuine.

If you think she might have an ED or have a controlling spouse I suggest you research how to support people in those situations because calling them out in a group like that is NOT it. You owe her a real apology.

sunooncom writes:

I'm not going to focus if you're the A or not, but I recently lost a lot of weight to the point my family also thought I was anorexic. I wasn't, no one was forcing me to lose weight, I wasn't even trying, just got a bit busy and ate healthier and dropped 100 lbs, and I only lost so much cause after I realized, I put the effort in to lose it.

If you're sister lost a significant amount of weight, there was effort put into that. Especially if it was fast. Some people shed weight easily like that, even if they've tried before and had no progress it can just happen.

It always really hurt when my family kept going on and on about how I'm supposedly anorexic or asking if I need help/a hospital, like they couldn't be happy for me getting healthier.

It's fractured a lot of relationships with my family because it effected my self esteem so bad, always feeling like I'm either too small or too fat and will never get to whatever weight they'd find acceptable enough to leave me alone.

Being placed on a pedestal like your cousins were doing sucks, too honestly. When did just congratulating the weight loss and moving on go out of style? It's the right way to handle it.

gaah12 writes:

Unfortunately, I do think YTA here.

While you there’s a possibility you correct, at the end of the day you do NOT know the reason behind her weight loss and to say that her weight loss is because of her husband is frankly an insult to your sister as it implies she can’t make choices about her own body. Have you even discussed it with her? It sounds like you haven’t and made up some scenario in your head. I only see speculation.

Your sister has made it clear that she does not appreciate how you talk about her husband and her weight loss, so I suggest you respect that and knock it off.

deepseansl writes:

YTA for all the reasons ppl are saying plus an additional one. say your sister DOES actually have anorexia. coming from someone who had an ed for two years, publicly calling her out in front of a lot of family members will do nothing but make it worse.

i hated when my family would make comments like that--it made me reluctant to change. you should also never assume someone has an ed. maybe she has been going through health issues that cause a loss of appetite or rapid weight loss? maybe there are other things going on that she doesn't feel comfortable telling you about