Woman asks if she's wrong to ask BF to defend her when his friends say sexist things.

The world is changing. It is now socially unacceptable for people to use words traditionally used to harm a sub-group of people. This extends beyond race now to sexuality and gender. Not being able to use these words has literally 0 impacts on the people who can't use them. Unfortunately, there are still folks who don't agree with this concept.

On a popular Reddit thread in the Am I the A**hole Subreddit, a woman gets upset with her boyfriend when he refuses to defend her from his friend.

She writes:

For context, I am a 31F living with my boyfriend 'Mike' who is 34. Mike has a friend 'Victor' who comes over a lot. Yesterday, Victor came over to watch baseball with Mike. Victor asked me to pass him a beer, so I passed one over, but I dropped it. It didn't crack open, but he said, 'Nice one, b*tch.'

I was honestly shocked and said excuse me? He started laughing, and Mike joined in. I was very uncomfortable and genuinely didn't know what to say. I told Victor that I didn't appreciate him calling me a b*tch. He got super defensive and said he was saying it 'jokingly.'

I said it doesn't matter how you tried to say it. I am uncomfortable. He got very huffy and said I was just being 'sensitive', and then he said, 'And you're probably going to accuse me of being a sexist now, aren't you? Can't say anything these days.'

This was wild because A) I didn't say anything about sexism, and B) What do you mean 'can't say anything?' Can't you call women 'b*tches' unsolicited anymore? What even was his point here?

Mike hadn't said anything during this interaction until I called him out. I asked why he wasn't defending me, and he said, 'I don't know, babe, you're being a bit dramatic.' I'd had enough, so I told them to leave, and they went to Victor's to watch the game.

Until then, I thought I was in the right until Mike texted me angrily. He said I'd embarrassed him in front of a friend by being so melodramatic and SJW-y. He said Victor didn't mean any harm, and it was like how my friends call me b*tch lovingly/jokingly. He also said it was uncalled for me to kick him and Victor out of the house when Mike lives there.

I said it's completely different because my friends make sure I'm okay with it and don't say it in a derogatory manner as Victor did. My friends are wonderful women who have supported me for years, not some friend of my boyfriend's who I barely know. And I was supposed to let myself be disrespected in my home? He called me annoying again and then turned notifications off.

He slept over last night (Victor lives alone) and hasn't come home yet. I think I might be the a**hole because it's true that my friends call me b*tch, and although it's different, as I said above, it's possible that it confused Victor and made him think that was ok. I also didn't mean to make Victor uncomfortable/put him in the hot seat as a guest in my house. AITA?

The internet can smell a bad BF from a mile away.

pennywhistlesmoonpie says:

You are NTA (Not the A**hole). The only correct response from Victor, when you told him not to call you that, would be, 'I am so sorry! I won’t call you that again.' Instead, he deflected the blame on you, and he, your boyfriend, gaslit you.

This isn’t right at all that you’re feeling bad. They are the ones who are rude and behave unacceptably. Can you move out?

Suspicious_One_2525 says:

NTA. I would 100% expect my man to be ready to fight if another man called me a b*tch. The least he could've done was tell his friend he couldn't speak to you that way. Would he let his friend call his mom, sister, or daughter a b*tch? I highly doubt it, so it's not okay to call you that.

CrimsonKnight_004 says:

NTA - And don’t let anyone guilt you into thinking otherwise. Your boyfriend showed you who he is, the kind of company he keeps, and that he’ll choose his friend over you. You deserve to be comfortable and not insulted in your own home, and he dismissed that basic right as you being 'dramatic.'

Victor told on himself because even though you didn’t call it sexist, that’s exactly what it was. And Mike is okay with it. Let them cry it out over beers and call you a b*tch to their hearts’ content at Victor’s house because I don’t think it’d be a good idea to welcome your bf back after this.

OP, your boyfriend is gaslighting you like he's trying to supply gas to a stove.