'Woman bails on best friend's wedding because she wouldn't let her bring her 4-month-old twins?'

"AITA for not attending my best friend's wedding because she wouldn't let me bring my 4 month old twins?"

My (24F) best friend (25F) got married last month and moved to another country. I've been friends with her since elementary school, and I was really looking forward to her wedding. However, I have 4 month old twins (at the time) and the logistics of attending/being in her wedding became a huge challenge.

First, she made it clear that the wedding was child-free. I totally respect that it's her day and her choice, but traveling to another country with two infants is a massive undertaking especially since I would have to find my own childcare and pay for 3 passports (she did offer to pay for mine), accommodations, food etc.

I don't have the luxury of leaving them behind since they are still so young and need constant care (even though she insisted I just leave my husband and twins and come on my own even though I don't drive and have very bad anxiety). On top of that, my financial situation is tight right now.

The cost of getting passports for my twins, myself, and my husband plus the expenses of either driving or taking a train to the wedding location, was just too much. I explained all of this to my friend, hoping she would understand my situation.

Despite my concerns, she insisted on the no-kids rule and didn't offer any flexibility. I felt like I had no choice but to decline the invitation, which broke my heart. To make matters worse, I found out through social media that another baby was at the wedding. This made me feel even more hurt and excluded.

I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I wanted to support my friend, but I also have to prioritize my children and finances. Fast forward a month and she wants me to come visit. Since the got married, they've been unable to come back to visit, and they've been hoping I could visit them instead. The problem is, we are still on a very tight budget.

She's been asking me to visit her, but I can't afford to get passports for myself, my husband, and our now 5-month-old twins. When I explained this to her, she suggested I just leave them behind and come by myself.

The problem is, I don't drive and have very bad anxiety. The thought of traveling to a different country alone, somewhere I've never been, is overwhelming. On top of that, I don't want to leave my husband and twins behind. They're my priority, and I feel more comfortable and secure being with them.

I've tried explaining this to my friend, but she seems disappointed and thinks I'm not making an effort to visit her or to maintain our friendship.I feel guilty because I do want to see her, but it's just not feasible for me right now.

EDIT:

I titled the post the way I did because me not being allowed to bring my children and expected to leave them behind is what started everything. If I was able to bring my kids I would have found a way to get there even if it was just for the wedding day.

I tried to edit the title but I'm not sure how to do it, I'm new to Reddit. I apologize if anyone finds the title misleading. That wasn't my intention. So, AITA for not attending my best friend's wedding/visiting under these circumstances.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

C_Majuscula said:

YTA - you're conflating the financial issue with the care issue and other personal issues, like being too anxious to drive. If you say that if your twins were allowed at a wedding (a tiny fraction of the time and expense of the trip) you would find a way to be there, then this isn't really about finances or care or anything else other than getting your way.

BeeJackson said:

YTA - You have every excuse in the book whether it’s your kids, your finances, travel anxiety. Tell her the truth: “I love our friendship as it is, but I’m not interested in traveling to visit you. I hope you’ll forgive me for disappointing you.”

mrs-poocasso69 said:

NAH. She has every right to decide she doesn’t want children - especially infants - at her wedding. You had every right to stay home if there was no where else for your babies to go.

v_a_n_d_e_l_a_y said:

I am tempted to go with YTA solely because your explanation doesn't make sense. You talk so much about cost which is irrelevant to the child free part. Scenario 1: Your kids come to the wedding. Presumably all four of you (you, husband, kids) travel and go to the wedding since you mentioned anxiety going alone. Cost is for four people.

Scenario 2: They don't come to the wedding. All four of you could still travel. Either the husband stays in the hotel with kids or you get childcare for that evening. I am not seeing the drastic change in finances or circumstances between the two. The high cost of the passports and travel is going to be the same in both.

Given all the time etc. for the travel, are you saying the few hours without your husband would be that major of a difference?

DubiousPeoplePleaser said:

There’s a few things that stand out. You keep messing up your arguments. First it’s financial, then it’s that your babies couldn’t come to the wedding. It’s not like you would suddenly have the cash if they could come. The cash amount is the same if your husband and kids had gone to the wedding or if they stayed at the hotel.

Next is that she hasn’t made any effort to see you or the kids. It’s easier for her to travel to you than you to her. It’s not like one month is much of a difference for such small babies. Twins are usually preemies too so they need extra care. Some are so early that it’s advices not to expose them to high sounds and lots of noice at the start of their life. Obviously NTA.

McflyThrowaway01 said:

ESH. Friend: she allowed another baby to go to the wedding, yet she thought the only solution for you was to leave the babies and husband at home. She also sucks because she still now expects you to travel with or without your family to visit her. She doesn't seem to want anything to do with them. She could offer to fly out since it's easier in this situation.

YOU: While yes she was wrong to say no to you about yout babies but yes to another, it seems like you are trying to make it seems like this more a money issue than a baby issue...

You couldn't afford to pay for your family of 4 to go to the wedding, so even if she said yes, you couldn't afford to go, right? Cause it sounds like either you are blaming her for you not being there due to the no baby thing, when you couldn't have afforded it any way, or is it that the money had nothing to do with it, if the babies could come you 4 would be there?

Technically, if you could have afforded to go to the wedding with your family, your husband and kids could stay at a hotel during the wedding. You say she wasn't flexible, but you dont seem to be very flexible either.

They could have stayed at a hotel. So, for me, it seems that you both are inflexible. I also tend to think that you are possibly resentful that she isnt offering to pay. She offered to pay for your passport you said.