Woman bans fiancé's cousin's 'passive aggressive' girlfriend from their new home, 'she's not welcome.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my fiancé his cousin’s girlfriend is not welcome in our new home?"
I (26F) have been with my fiancé (M27) for 5 years. Early in our relationship, he and his cousin, Steve (M30) purchased a house together as co-owners. My fiancé’s sister and their other cousin also lived there for a while.
Everything was fine until two years later, when Steve started dating a woman who quietly moved into the house after only four months of dating. This upset everyone since it wasn’t discussed with the household.
She doesn’t work, doesn’t go to school, and doesn’t contribute financially. She spends her days reorganizing the house while constantly on the phone with Steve. She’s extremely controlling—she goes through his phone, sits in on all his calls, and ensures he is always with her or talking to her. He’s never alone, even at work or in the car.
At first, she seemed sweet, and the family liked her. But over time, she began subtly isolating Steve from everyone. She convinced him to have my fiancé’s sister and their cousin move out, leaving just her, Steve, and my fiancé in the house. She made my fiancé feel unwelcome in his own home, and now she plans to have her brother move into Steve’s house—after Steve to removed his own family.
Her passive-aggressive behavior is exhausting. She labels communal items like salt with her name so no one else can use them, reorganizes shared spaces filled with things that aren’t hers, and ignores me completely when I come over. When Steve isn’t home, she hides in her room and acts cold and dismissive. She is a completely different person when he is not around and it’s clear these are her true colors.
Some family members have voiced concerns about her controlling behavior to Steve, but he insists he loves her and turns a blind eye. While she’s the instigator, I don’t think Steve is completely innocent—he’s allowing this behavior.
Recently, she convinced Steve to buy my fiancé out of the house, so we’re moving out in a week. I’m relieved, but here’s my issue: I’ve told my fiancé I don’t want her in our new home. I’m fine with Steve visiting, but I don’t want her there. If she couldn’t show us basic respect while living in a house my fiancé co-owned, I refuse to let her treat us poorly in our space now.
I don’t want to stir the pot or cause drama, but I also refuse to let my boundaries be disrespected or normalize the way she’s treated us. My fiancé is torn because he wants to maintain his relationship with Steve, but I feel strongly about this boundary. AITA for saying I don’t want Steve’s girlfriend in our home?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
chooseausernameplse said:
NTA. If fiance cannot do this one thing for you, concerning what will be your home/safe space, get into pre-marital therapy asap. Why is his cousin and the GF a priority over the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with? IF it's the old bs "family" excuse, you got big problems in your future. Figure it out before you are in any deeper.
ColdstreamCapple said:
NTA. However I think you need to be careful here OP…..The moment your fiance moves out she’s going to find a reason to burn that friendship and isolate him from everyone. Unfortunately Steve may be so lovestruck he doesn’t see what’s happening OR he may be living in fear scared about upsetting her….
I know this because this happened to a friend of mine….It took him 15 years to find the courage to leave her and by then she’d burnt off every relationship and friendship she didn’t approve of and he then had to rebuild all those friendships and trust.
I think you need to subtly signal to Steve that you are a safe place if he ever needs to talk and if your fiance has witnessed anything untoward then he needs to document it for future evidence. It’s perfectly reasonable though to make it clear that she’s not welcome in your home.
stroppo said:
NTA, but you have to know that refusing the girlfriend to visit is certainly going to "stir the pot." Especially considering how possessive she is. And how will this play out if she remains in Steve's life? When you get together w/them at other occasions (like at their house) there is bound to be tension. Not saying you shouldn't set boundaries, but it sounds like you can expect pushback from the girlfriend.
cravnraven said:
NTA. Steve sounds like he needs help getting out of that relationship, but that doesn't mean you have to put your own sanity and well being on the line.
HoldFastO2 said:
NTA, it's your home; but you have to realize you're assisting her in continuing to isolate Steve. If she can't come to you, then he can't come to you, and that gives him one less outlet from a controlling partner.
If you do stick to this boundary, and your fiancé ends up agreeing, he should make sure he's giving Steve other options to meet up with him and contact him. Preferably behind her back, because she's bound to lay down her own "boundaries" that he can't keep in touch with people who don't want her in their home.
No_Philosopher_1870 said:
NTA. In your house you get to choose who is allowed and who is not allowed. I'd be surprised if Steve visits once you move without even banning the girlfriend because she now has Steve all to herself. Her next step will be having Steve put her on the deed of the house.