Woman boycotts friend's wedding after discovering ranked guest list. AITA? 'She singled me out.'

"WIBTA for not going to a friend's wedding because I didn't get invited to the reception?"

I (27F) got invited to a friend's (27F) wedding. I wasn't expecting an invite, as we only know each other because I went to high school with her childhood friends and we all started hanging out together in high school and throughout university. We usually see each other once a year, sometimes twice, and we have a pretty active group chat.

The wedding would require quite a bit of travel, either a $700 flight or a 16 hour car ride. I don't have much vacation time left, but I was willing to use it and make the wedding part of a longer vacation.

The invite that I was sent only listed information for the ceremony and refreshments afterwards, and I assumed that there would be no reception, which would be a little strange but also cheaper (which is understandable, life is expensive).

The other night I was messaging one of the other girls in the friend group (also 27F) to ask if she was going, as I didn't want to be the only one in our friend group there (except for the bride, we all live within an hour of each other and would all have to travel to the wedding). We chatted about how expensive it would be, some different options for travel, and that was it.

Today I got a message from the bride. She informed me that our mutual friend had mentioned that it might be a good idea to clarify with me that they are keeping the reception very small. Because of this, she only invited the 3 other people in our friend group to the reception, and not me.

While I do understand that weddings are expensive, and I'm not one of her closest friends, I'm upset that she singled me out by only inviting me to half the event and didn't feel the need to tell me until someone else mentioned it to her. She did say that if enough people RSVP'd "no'" she could maybe fit me into the reception. Which is nice, but also feels like a pity invite.

I am glad to find out now, instead of after spending a lot of money to go to a wedding and then be ditched by my friends for a reception I'm not welcome at. I honestly would have preferred she not invite me at all, instead of labelling me as a "tier 2" friend.

Before I found out about the reception, I thought that if I had decided not to go I would still buy the couple a gift to be nice. But now I really don't want to go, and I definitely don't want to send a gift. AITA?

Here's what people had to say about this one:

Arorua_Mendes said:

NTA. Look, spending $700 and precious vacation days to attend just half a wedding isn't worth it. The bride's handling of this shows where you stand. Listen to your gut on this one. Seriously, would a friend put you in this damn position?

Anyone splitting their wedding into tiers needs to communicate that upfront. Someone who ranks their friendships and makes you a backup plan isn't worth the emotional or financial investment. Skip it and keep your dignity intact. Real talk: that conditional invitation based on others declining is straight up disrespectful of your time and resources.

pobepobepobe said:

How gauche. If you can't afford to host, don't invite. Back in the day, it would occasionally be the other way around - ceremony small, usually for religious or space considerations, and big party after for everyone. I could not imagine doing this. She might as well have said, "You're good enough to give me a present, but not to actually celebrate with." NTA, don't go, just text her best wishes.

EJ_1004 said:

NTA. “Hey, thanks for clearing this up. In light of this news it doesn’t really make sense for me take time off and travel for such a short occasion. I hope that you and fiance enjoy your wedding and reception.” It’s fine not to go and IF you send a gift keep it small (I’m talking under $30).

SnooSprouts6437 said:

NTA. If you are making an effort to spend all this money to travel, take time off from work and not even be able to go to the reception and have a meal, well that is just insane. I would without a doubt not go. She isn't your friend and you deserve better. Hopefully, you haven't booked your flight yet and if you have, you can cancel.

BringMeAPinotGrigio said:

NTA - It's an invite, not a summons. Even if you were invited to the whole shebang you wouldn't be an AH for RSVPing "No". No gift required. If you feel like it, send a nice congratulatory card. FYI - having an "A" list and "B" list is very common for weddings, though your friend was pretty rude for laying it out so frankly. You said yourself that you were surprised at the invite at all. I wouldn't take it personally.

turtlesinatrenchcoat said:

NTA. Disagreeing with other commenters here as well, the bride is the ahole here. It’s widely considered that the reception is the “thank you” to guests for attending the wedding, and very rude to invite someone to the wedding but not the reception.

While “tiers” of invites are indeed common, that just means someone might not receive an invite until someone on the “A” list rsvps no and a spot opens up - but for both parts!

kb-g said:

NTA. When I got married it was quite common and acceptable to invite people to the evening reception only rather than the sit-down meal, but gifts were certainly not expected and it was never acceptable to extend these invitations to people coming from out of town. This “friend” has made it clear where you stand for her. I wouldn’t bother going or sending a gift.