Woman breaks up with BF due to his 'disgusting fetish;' 'I HATE myself for leaving.' AITA? 4 MAJOR UPDATES.
When this woman is devastated with her judgemental decision, she asks Reddit:
"I left my boyfriend over his fetish and I hate myself. AITA?"
I was with him for a year and our relationship was fg amazing. He constantly made me feel loved and always treated me with respect. He was always doing little things for me and would help me with stuff even when I didn't ask for it. The sex was amazing too, it just felt like we were compatible on every level.
About three months ago, he told me he had something to confess. He said that he had a foot fetish and that he hadn't told me about it because an ex of his had taken it weird and he didn't want me to think badly of him.
Looking back it was kind of obvious since he would always compliment my nail polish and was pretty eager to rub my feet if I asked him to. He even paid for me to get a pedicure because he said french tips would look cute on me.
Nothing really changed much after that point. He wasn't pushy or anything, but he would suck on my toes during sex which admittedly felt pretty good.
I was hanging out with three of my friends a few weeks ago and I mentioned that he liked my feet. Two of them started telling me that was a red flag and that he might be a creep.
I had seen some people who were weird about it online before but they were showing me all these websites and forums and people who take creep shots of women's feet and I started feeling anxious.
My third friend who was there was neutral about it but told me maybe to talk to him because he had never really given off those kinds of vibes. I stupidly didn't and pushed it to the back of my head until I saw him again two days later.
We were at my apartment and were messing around. He started to kiss my feet and I pulled back from him. He asked me what was wrong and I spent like 10 minutes just repeating what my friends had told me and about how people who like feet are weird and don't care about anything else.
He looked really sad and told me he didn't know I felt like that about him. He got up and left. I don't fg know why I said any of that stupid shit to him. He had never been creepy, he had never been anything but loving to me but I called him a pervert.
And then I immediately turned to my friends and they were telling me that he was confirmed one of those creepy feet guys because he left instead of talking to me and apologizing. My neutral friend again told me to talk to him, but I spent two days thinking to myself that there must be something wrong with him.
He didn't contact me again so I texted him "We need to talk about our relationship." He texted back he would come over that night, and he did. He was holding a box of my stuff I had left at his place and said "I'm not going to stay with someone who thinks I'm a predator."
Then he just walked away. I was stunned and didn't say anything, but that quickly turned to anger. I just thought "They were right, he's a fg creep, I'm glad he's gone." I turned to my friends again and the two told me they'd help me get over him and hook me up with someone normal.
My neutral friend advised me again to not leave my relationship like this but I'm an idiot. I'm horrible. I'm a piece of fg shit and I deserve fg everything I get. Every night the past month I've been thinking about him, and the more I think the bigger that pit in my stomach gets.
It all exploded a week ago. I got extremely drunk and had that horrible realization hit me all at once. I lost the man I loved over nothing. NOTHING. It was my fg fault and I would never be with him again.
I was sobbing hysterically and called both of my two friends who had egged me on. I told them that I never wanted to see them again and some other things I won't repeat here. I blocked them on everything.
My other friend tried calling me but I couldn't bear to talk to her. It was about 1am when I called him. He hadn't blocked me so it went through. I begged him to take me back. I told him about what my friends had told me. I told him he wasn't a pervert and that I should never have told him that.
I told him I loved him more than anything and that I trusted him, that he could do whatever he wanted with any part of my body and that I would never think he was some kind of creep because I know he isn't like that.
He cut me off eventually. He told me that if I was drinking to please stop and go to sleep. He sounded so sad and it just shattered my fg heart again.
He tried calling me earlier tonight but I didn't pick up. I'm so fg scared that he's going to tell me to just f off and leave him alone. I know I would deserve it. I know I deserve worse.
But I can't do it. I love him so fg much. I need him. I just want him to hold me again and touch me wherever he wants and tell me that he forgives me. I feel like throwing up whenever I think that he might never be with me again. I wish I wasn't such a stupid b.
Before we provide you with OP's four major updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
cermailegrog writes:
So, if you do want to salvage this, you need to take a step back. Stop obsessing about him liking feet. That's what got you into this mess. Saying things in a phone call like "he can do anything he wanted with any part of my body" makes you sound like a crazy person.
I don't get the foot thing myself, but like 99% of the time it's not a big deal, it's just like anything else a person might be attracted to. It didn't sound like you had the slightest problem with it before.
Call him back, sober, and apologize. Tell him you made a huge mistake, let your idiot friends convince you of complete bullshit, and ask if there's any way he would consider trying again.
To be honest, I'm not sure I would be ok getting back with someone who could be so easily swayed by a couple friends, especially when you had other friends who disagreed. What else are you going to be convinced of in the future? What if two friends start saying cheating is awesome? Or doing meth would be rad?
I think it's worth talking to him, but you should accept beforehand that it might not happen. You said a lot of shit that you can't unsay, and he may decide that it's not worth the trouble for a relationship of only a year.
velvetbat writes:
YTA. You're a fg idiot without a mind of your own. Did it ever occur to you that perhaps your friends aren't life gurus who know everything, or furthermore, may even be jealous of you?
Also, why would you not want your man to be attracted to and worship every part of your body? There are so many lonely people who would cherish a connection like this while dimwits are out here destroying relationships for nothing. Leave him for someone who deserves him.
goonyghoul writes:
YTA. This is so disgusting. A guy can't just be attracted to feet? You are the red flag, you'll leave at the drop of a hat. This is insane behavior, and hopefully he isn't stupid enough to fall for it again.
Do you realize what you've done to him? The guy is at the point where he's vocalized that you made him feel like a predator. His sexual confidence is in shambles. All because he finally worked up the courage to tell you that he's harmlessly attracted to feet.
Not every man has to be damn near the same, and attracted to nearly the same things. Not everything "different" than the mainstream deems normal about a guy is a red flag.
As it turns out, the vast majority of the billions of men in the world actually have unique personalities, likes, and dislikes. It's also true that the vast majority of those billions of men also aren't fg predators, just normal people.
Stop trying to get back with him. This poor man is in a weak emotional state, God forbid he's swayed by your pathetic begging.
And now, OP's first major update:
I texted him that I would call him back tomorrow if he still wants to talk. He replied that that would be fine. Also about my friends, I'm going to try to talk to all three of them.
I'm still going to cut off the two that pushed me to this because the more I think about it, the more I remember little details that make it seem like they've never really liked my ex.
My other friend I'm going to try calling tomorrow. I really need to apologize to her too. I realize that even if there was pressure on me, this is 100% my fault. I should have taken the time to recognize that my ex was nothing like they were making him out to be.
And I shouldn't have discussed his fetish with them. Although I never really discussed the sexual part of it and just told them that he thought my feet were cute, I should never have talked about it. I'm going to tell him all of this when we talk.
Now, OP's second major update:
*EDIT 2: I texted him again asking if he'd be okay meeting up in person rather than talking over the phone. I would rather see him face to face and apologize directly to him, rather than over the phone.
He replied that he was fine with that, so I'll be heading over to meet him around noon. Let me preface this next part by saying I know none of this absolves me at all for what I've done, but I want to give some context to this situation.
I've been together with those three friends of mine since high school. We have always been very close and I've trusted them with a lot of intimate details about my life.
We all helped each other through bad times and enjoyed a lot of good times too. They were also my first really close friends. In grade school and early high school I kept a lot to myself and didn't interact very much with other kids. I have other friends now, but no one I trusted as much as them.
I think a lot of you are right in saying that I have no spine and have let them choose everything for me. Now that I think about it I'm struggling to think of a time when I chose what we were doing on a particular day or where we were eating and other stuff.
And I was like that with my ex too, letting him pick whatever even when he specifically asked me what I wanted. I know none of that is an excuse for my weakness, but that's been my life.
I've already looked up some therapists that accept my insurance and I'm going to call one to schedule an appointment. After reading a lot of these comments I'm starting to get more scared at the prospect of him taking me back and me hurting him horribly again in some way.
I don't know if I should tell him any of this, but I'm writing down some notes to keep my thoughts on what I'm going to say to him organized. First I'm going to apologize to him for what I did.
Even if that's the only thing I can get out before he leaves, I'm going to tell him how sorry I am and that I will go with whatever he decides, even if that means I never see him again. Thank you for the comments. I know I'm not a good person, but I'm going to try to be better, and if he does take me back I'm going to become someone he deserves to be with. I'll probably make an update post later if anything happens.
And now, OP's third major update:
I just got back from meeting him and I think I'm going to end up typing a lot for the update. Before I start, I don't intend anything in this update to be taken as a self-absolution of guilt or blame. I accept that I'm the one that screwed up and the blame rests solely on me. I'm not trying to diminish that or what I did.
So there's a park about halfway between both of our places. We decided to meet there. I arrived a few minutes before he did and was very nervous. When I saw him walking up I felt the urge to cry but I drove it down. I didn't want to do anything that would make him think I'm trying to manipulate him.
It was worse when he hugged me, but I managed to compose myself. He asked how I was doing and I told him the truth, that I was messed up. I asked him the same and he told me he was okay but he had that same sad look on his face from the last time I saw him.
I asked him if I could tell him something before we talked about anything else and pulled out the apology I had written in my notes. I told him I was sorry for everything. I was sorry for making him feel unsafe with me.
I was sorry for ever insinuating that he was a pervert. I was sorry for betraying his trust and telling others about our sex life. I was sorry for not communicating with him. I was sorry for not standing up for him.
I was sorry for not standing up for myself and letting my opinion of him be colored by anything other than the two of us. I was sorry for leaving him in the dark for a month and not talking to him sooner.
I was sorry for my drunken rant, for trying to emotionally manipulate him into coming back to me, and especially for making him feel like I still thought he was a pervert. I was sorry for hurting him the same way his ex had.
At one point I noticed he was tearing up and I just couldn't hold it anymore. I cried while I finished reading it to him. I told him that I was truly happy with him and I hope he isn't put off from exploring his fetish in the future, whoever that might be with. He thanked me and we cried together for a little while.
He started talking and told me the reason he called was that two of my friends had contacted him and explained that they were worried about me and told him some of what had happened. It was the "neutral" friend along with one of the two friends who had fed me the stuff about foot fetishes.
I didn't get a lot of the specifics and I didn't ask anything else because there was more important stuff he wanted to talk about, but I guess I could get what happened straight from one of them. I was a little deflated after he told me this and worried he might think I was trying to manipulate him through my friends, but he quickly moved on.
He told me the whole story about his ex. They had been together for longer than we had, about two years, before he told her about his fetish. The difference was that she was immediately disgusted by it.
She told him she was leaving no matter how much he begged and promised he would never bring it up again. But then he told me what I did felt much worse because it seemed like I had accepted him only to stab him in the back. I wanted to get on my knees and beg him to forgive me, but I let him finish.
In the end, we were both quiet for a while before he asked if we were done. I know I should've been strong and told him that I would go with whatever he decided, but I'm weak.
I asked him if there was any chance we could still be together. He told me that he still had feelings for me but that he couldn't handle me hurting him again. I mentioned the stuff with my friends and that I was looking to start therapy.
He told me he was happy that I was doing that, but it wasn't changing his mind. He said there might be a chance in the future, after I've worked on myself, but right now he was too hurt.
I get the feeling that he was just saying that so I wouldn't be hurt. We hugged again and said goodbye and I had to fight every urge in my body to not run after him.
I know I screwed up at the end, but I'm taking steps to make sure it doesn't happen again. I'm going to call my friend (the "neutral" one), and ask if she can forgive me for not talking to her too, and maybe if she can come over and hide my phone from me so I don't get the urge to bother him.
I don't know about my two other friends. I don't know about anything right now. I spent like 5 of the last 6 hours crying and I feel just about out of tears. I'm running on like 3 hours of sleep. I think I'm going to just try and sleep and then continue looking for therapists in the morning. I don't know if I'll update anymore so sorry if anyone was expecting more.
And now, OP's fourth and final update:
So this is going to be the last thing I'll post. I slept for a while and when I woke up my friend got in contact with me and came over. She wasn't the least bit mad at me and was just concerned that I hadn't talked to her.
I apologized profusely to her. I really don't deserve her kindness, but it honestly felt good after everything today. To the people who messaged me with concern, thank you and I think I'll be fine.
I'm still going to go to therapy to work on my problems and make sure I never do something like this to someone I love ever again. I'm probably never posting on this account again.
I had some people messaging me some weird shit and claiming to be people in my life, so if you ever see someone try and make an update for this story, it ain't actually me.
The only person in my circle that actually uses reddit is my friend that's with me now. I showed her this and she's assured me she won't post about it. Good night.
Readers weren't done weighing in on OP's dilemma:
piffyouneededtoknow writes:
So you have a man. Who treated you right and takes care of you. You go behind his back and telling your friends about his personal kink and ultimately shame him in the worse way possible?
The best part being you personally didn't even have much of a issue with it because you said it yourself that it felt kinda good during sex. It was only until you decides to be a POS of a human being and open your mouth to your friends.
When they had a issue about it then you suddenly did. Fickle. What you did was absolutely disgusting. That man adored you. Deep love and respect for you. He probably cherished the very ground you walked on. That everyday that he got to see you it was a little brighter. He'll probably never trust anyone like this again.
nawfolk writes:
I’m not one to comment on anything like this, but being that my past relationship ended somewhat like this, I want to say something.
For anyone currently in a relationship facing any problems, don’t go to your friends, ESPECIALLY if they’re single and can’t hold a relationship of their own.
My ex did this with her friend, and it put so much mental strain on me that I eventually ended up breaking up with her. Her friend was the type to be with a guy one week, and a different guy weeks later, and I don’t understand how she didn’t see it then, but that was definitely not a credible source for relationship advice.
My advice for anyone facing relationship problems right now is, don’t look for outside help. Although it might feel like the right thing to do, some people just don’t like seeing others happy when they aren’t themselves.
Try to work out the problem, if that isn’t working, you and your partner should seek different solutions. I’d say going to your friends should be the last resort, if at all.