Woman creeped out by partner when he becomes 'obsessed' with her late husband. AITA? UPDATED 3X
When this woman is annoyed with her partner and isn't sure what to do, she asks the internet:
"My partner is obsessed with my late husband. AITA?"
My late husband and I dated for a while back in high school, then again on and off in university and got married few years later. In short he was a wonderful man and our relationship was amazing, words can't do it justice. He died three years ago.
My current partner was a mutual friend of ours, he basically knows a lot about my past. We got in a relationship a year ago. In general he is a good person, other than the problem mentioned in the title. He is a sweet and caring, not only with me, but I speak in general.
The thing is whenever we get into an argument he would bring up my late husband. And when we're having a discussion he never miss a chance to start with comparisons,
for example if we're discussing something and he raise his voice I would tell him there's no need we're just talking and that's when he would hit me with something like
"yeah now you don't like the way I talk, I bet you wouldn't have said the same thing to him". Or when we're arguing about something he would finish with "I'm sure it was never like this with him".
When he moved in with me, I called him once by my husband name, I don't remember doing it but he was sure so I apologized to him. he's the first man I ever got close to after what happened and not gonna lie,
I knew my late husband for years and it wasn't easy for me to accept he's gone and adjust easy so I might have, I know it was wrong but I really didn't attend to call him by his name. He never let it slide tho, he still bring that incident up sometimes. It's honestly creeping me out.
One day we passed by a nearby restaurant and he said it seems like a good place. I said yeah it is, I've been there few times. He instantly asked me if it was with my husband. I said yes.
Then he started with how of course it's a good place for me and how we can't go there now cause the only thing that would be in my mind is my husband.. I snapped at him and told him to stop this shit and never bring him up again. He apologized but never stopped.
When we were still friends I was still wearing my wedding ring but took it off when we started dating. One day and out of nowhere he asked me about the ring. I said it's in my closet.
A month ago I noticed it wasn't there. I wonder if it disappeared before then and didn't notice until a month ago. I did ask him about it but he said he have no idea. The thing is it's only the two of us, we rarely have people over.
(When I get in an argument or when I'm around raised voices my eyes well up with tears, not "I'm about to cry way" but it's noticeable enough), so when we argue about bringing him up and how he should stop with comparisons,
he would get frustrated and say that I'm still in love with him and I would never forget about him and how I'm about to cry thinking about him! What! My eyes literally be like that even when we're arguing about something else!
Like I said he's a good man in general, he care about his family and like a father to his little brother. He's affectionate with me and sweet and all.
But the way he keeps bringing up my late husband is annoying and bordeline obsessive. I never give him a reason to and never bring him up.
I'm thinking about breaking up with him, but I don't know how. Cause I know he will blame it on me and his obsession with how I can't get over my late husband and used him to forget him.
And at the same time I don't know if this problem is worth breaking up over. I know I might seem selfish for deciding to end things because of this. But the constant reminder isn't doing me good. What should I do!
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
fafa96 writes
NTA. He's not a good man. He's putting on a facade but is definitely some kind of asshole. How did your husband die? I'm not saying this friend had anything to do with it, but I can't say no to it with his behavior. He sounds jealous, yes. But he also sounds a bit obsessive.
Do you know if this man was into you while your husband was alive? Did you know him before you met your husband or were they friends and you met him afterwards?
He throws up a lot of red flags. If he thinks you aren't over your former husband, then why would he date you? Is this man religious and he doesn't like the thought that you were with someone before him?
There is a lot wrong with this scenario. Try couples therapy and bring this whole thing up. He is hiding something and I hope it's nothing nefarious. But I'm getting "I'm the reason your husband is dead" guilt type vibes.
shegrin writes:
NTA if you want to break up . However ... From this post i can see two things : one is that you're still not fully over your late husband's passing . It's been just three years , yeah you still see him in every nook and cranny .
Wether you like it or not you still live with his memory . Until you resolve that and move on you'll never be a good/safe partner to anyone ( trust me i've been there , had a gf that passed away from bone cancer at 17 and had a relationship after a little more than year and a half , one of my biggest mistakes , decent girl , wrong time ) .
And the other is that you want this break up . You actually are resentful of this man's actions so much that you're ready to accuse him of things you cannot prove that he did and are now,seeking other people's validation to do it
( you said it yourself : he is a good man and good men DO NOT take other people's possessions , sorry but it feels like you want this to be true more than if it actually was ) . If this relationship is taking a toll on you , by all means end it but do it for the right reasons.
tooolald7 writes:
He is NOT a good guy. He's a jealous, abusive jerk. Dump him, and if he tells you it's because you're still in love with your husband, who cares? He's treating you like this already, so what does it matter what he thinks? Is this what your husband would want you to settle for?
And now, OP's update:
We didn't end things in good terms. I tried my best to explain to him how his actions affect our relationship but he wouldn't understand. When I made it clear that I'm done he then admitted to taking the ring and promised to give it back and suggested we start couple therapy.
The way he talked, the moment he admitted that he took the ring, everything scared me but I stood my ground and made it clear again that we're done.
When we were just friends he never acted this way I mean you wouldn't know this man capable of such things. Also he tried to blame me for it all, that I never saw things from his perspective, that it's hard to be with a woman you knows a lot about (I was married what's wrong with that?)
He also said that it was hard for him to try and be better than my late husband because he saw the way he loved me and thought he would never be enough for me.
Anyway we broke up and he's taking his sweet time packing his things, he owns an apartment but still acting like he's being kicked to the street. We don't talk, he's staying in the guest room until he finish packing. And he still didn't give me the ring back. That's all. Thank you.
Update 2:
I'm not mad at him, I'm mad at the way he never let me move on with my life a little, he never miss an opportunity to bring up my late husband and start comparing.
He even accuses me of thinking about my ex more than him. I never really gave him a reason to I just wanted a normal relationship where my partner respect me more than keep bring up my past just because.
Actually I'm mad at him. To be honest I can't just get past the fact that he stole something from me just to punish me for whatever reason he believes He didn't steal just for the sake of stealing, It’s my ring from my late husband.
Update 3:
Like most of you advised me, I had my sister and her husband come stay the night with me.
My BIL helped him the next day with "packing." My ex literally had nothing left to pack but BIL helped him move his things out of the guest room. He also offered to help him move his stuff to his apartment, he refused and called his step-father instead.
He did give my ring back by throwing it at my face after I threatened to report it as stolen, yeah I know.. and called me every name you can think of along with accusing me of jumping into bed with him right after my husband died. I didn't.
I never really got close to anyone for two years, and he was the one who helped me get through it all. That's why I thought getting into a relationship with him when he initiated was the right thing to do.
Anyway I didn't let him get on my nerves at first but when he said "If he could see how much you've changed, I'm sure he would ride that motorcycle again just to get away from you." (I lost my husband to an awful motorcycle accident.
Both of us used to ride. I never did again after what happened) I lost it and threw my phone his way, which I'm not proud of now.
It did hit his arm but my sister grabbed me from behind to stop me from doing anything stupid. My BIL kicked him out as politely as he could (BIL is a gym freak, and both my sister and I had to stop him from doing anything to avoid getting into unnecessary trouble).
My sister is still with me, her husband can't stay because my place is 2 hours away from his work. Cameras are already installed along with an alarm. I'm currently working on changing the locks.
I'm also in the process of obtaining a restraining order against him. His words are still echoing in my head and made me realize I have to consider starting therapy. I really didn't grieve properly.
Thinking about it now, I see how I avoided my own emotions by denial. It was sudden. And although everything happened, I really never gave my ex a reason to do this. I really treated him with respect and honesty and it took me a while to realize I deserve the same. Thank you all for the advice and support.
Readers continued to weigh in on OP's updates:
conga5 writes:
What a sad person. My partner is a widow and at the start of the relationship she asked if it would bother me if she talked about her late husband. As someone who doesn't feel threatened by dead people, I told her I was fine with it.
That he must have been a good man if she married him. It's been five years since that conversation and over those five years, she has spoken about him less and less and less.
He does sometimes come up in conversation but it feels more like we're talking about an absent friend. It really is no biggie. I know a lot about her late husband, his quirks and foibles.
We sometimes joke about how he would approach a problem as opposed to how I would. There's sometimes no right answer, we're simply different people. Being as insecure as OOP's ex must be hell.
doctawod0 writes:
The fact that it seems like he got everything he wanted would make you wonder why he would act so evil and always throw her marriage to her late husband in her face but the horrible thing is that he did not get everything he wanted.
This is my conjecture but I think the only thing that could have possibly given him satisfaction would be for her to tell him at all times how much better he was than her late husband.
He said it himself that he was having a hard time being better than her husband. What a sick warped way to view any relationship, let alone with the widow of your friend.