Woman disgusted with BF's gift-giving style; 'This is NOT my love language!' AITA? UPDATED 5X
When this woman is horrified by her BF's gift-giving style, she asks the internet:
"My (F 23) boyfriend (M 27) gives me horrible gifts and I’m fed up. AITA?"
We've been together since 2019. Our first Christmas together i got him an alexa with the accessories to make his apartment a smart home.
he moved into an apartment around his birthday so I got him a microwave, toaster, silverware etc.
his most recent birthday I got him an at home golf set because he recently became obsessed with golf, it cost more than expected but I was happy to give it to him.
Our first Christmas together he gave me a video game and the money he owed me. For my birthday he got me another video game. This is NOT my love language.
My birthday and Christmas is coming up (same day) I bought him a signed Steelers football because that’s his favorite nfl team, he just told me the gift he got me and this might be dramatic but I had to stop myself from crying.
He went on a solo vacation earlier this year and my "birthday present" is that he printed the pictures from his vacation and put it in a photo book.
This is his gift to everyone his mom, sister, brother, friends and me. He mentioned it before and I politely told him I did not want that gift. I actually told him I would hate it and he laughed it off.
I've been telling him since we started dating that I like jewellery and would love that as a gift. He tells me he hates going into jewellery stores and more recently a couple days ago said "you already have so much jewellery why would I buy you more?".
At this point it feels disrespectful and after finding out my gift today I told him to just not get me anything It literally feels like he doesn't care about me or my feelings.
he calls me materialistic because I like to buy myself things and I feel like if I tell him how I truly feel he'll just call me materialistic some more or maybe I am materialistic maybe this is a sweet and thoughtful gift and I ruined it for him.
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
gaga66 writes:
No it's not. He is being cheap. You put a lot of work and thought to his gifts. If he truly dosen't care about gifts you should not give him all of those things. It shows you really care because you went above and beyond to make him happy give him something meaningful.
If I were you I would sell the signed thing and give him funny socks. Just that. And when he says something you say you said I was materialistic. Or better yet. A picture of you two together.
Or maybe underwear for yourself and a good night that's it. Lol.. There are 5love language types. One of them is Gifts giving( you put thought and consideration) it is not materialistic.
You buy yourself things. You just want something from him you can wear and have with you. Something that makes you think of him. If he died only thing you could cherish is a fg video game... You could also tell him that.
I think you should tell him that it is not the gift itself but the thought behind it. And you should stop over spending on his gifts. Since he does not appreciate them. Ask him what his love language is.
When does he feel loved. Afterwards tell him, you feel loved and cared for when he thinks of you and shows he really listens and buys something you like. I didn't hear you say you wanted it to be expensive things from him.
But you wanted something special, something nice something not the whole family gets. And even if you were a little materialistic, nothing wrong with that! That is your love language!
terribleb6 writes:
I relate to this so much…. My bf and I are both 20 and have been together for 2 years, had 2 birthdays together.
For his 19 bday I got him an Instagram film camera because he was really into film photography at the time, and for my 19 bday he got me some scented candles, one he decorated with letter beeds that said our names which was kinda cute, and some other stuff I don’t even remember.
He wrapped it up really well in a box and wrote me a letter which he put inside the box… I did like scented candles at the time but I feel like there’s so many other stuff I liked at the time, and I did talk about those stuff… anyways this years it was a bit worse.
He got really into surfing and rented a surfboard a couple times, so I bought him a surfboard for his 20th birthday. He was really happy, and I crocheted him some decode for his car, and wrote him a letter.
Then three month later when my 20th was getting close he shared with me that he’s having trouble with finding me a birthday gift.
So I made a Pinterest board of stuff I like and told him he could choose whatever and how much he wants to get me, the point being that instead of deciding on one big thing he could just buy a bunch of things and put them together as a gift.
There were shoes, dresses, mini printers, not expensive stuff. And my birthday came and he got me a coffee cup, a plushy, some stickers and a candle. And although I felt he really put effort in, it was a miss.
The cup and stickers were nice, but couldn’t help but feel disappointed. I don’t think he did anything wrong, in fact I know he really tried. So I tried consulting with my parents about my feelings and they both said just because I go above and beyond doesn’t mean I can expect him to do the same. And them saying that kinda crushed me.
bangban7 writes:
A lot of people are telling you he will never change, but I don't think that's necessarily true. As a general rule, men place value in different things than women, so do not ever assume that your man understands where you are coming from until you clearly and explicitly lay it out for him.
I've been married 17+ years and have three kids. My wife has clearly communicated to me that it doesn't matter how much money I spend on her for Christmas (and I spend a lot) if I don't wrap the gifts myself. I literally couldn't care less who wraps my fist, but it's super important to my wife and I'd never known that if we hadn't talked about.
So, because I love my wife very much and want her to know that, I spent more.time than I would like today wrapping her gifts, even though I'd much rather pay somebody else to do it for me and could easily do so.
I would have never known this mattered to my wife unless we'd had that conversation and she'd expressed that to me. Now, you're man may decide he doesn't care about your relationships that much...
but he should at least get the chance to make that decision for himself. I guarantee you that he doesn't understand what's at stake at this time right now. People, for the most part, aren't trying to be assholes.
excellentsprit6 writes:
My husband hasn't bought me a thoughtful gift since the day we met. It's just something you gotta get use to. Pick your battles.
If this is the only thing in the relationship that is an issue, then it's not that big of a deal. Also, if you know he is a horrible gift giver, then stop buying such expensive gifts.
The answer really is that simple. My husband just gives me money now because he really isn't good at buying gifts, but he is wonderful at everything else, so I pick and choose my battles.
This is a battle where I will lose everytime. This year, I bought a couple of presents for myself and told him to wrap them and put my name on it and kept it pushing. I can act surprise with the kids when I open them.
It is what it is. If it really is that big of a deal , then maybe you should ask yourself why and then explain that answer (thoughtfully and calmly) to him. You'll figure it out. I would be happy if he could buy a gift at least ONCE that actually seemed like something I would like. I'm going to keep holding my breath.
And now, OP's 1st update:
The vacation was 3 months of travelling he asked me to go but I told him I absolutely could not take that much time off work so he went alone. He can be cheap at times but he has admitted it’s because he grew up poor and has anxiety about it he’s afraid of ending up as bad as he was as a kid.
We still occasionally go out to dinner and do stuff sometimes he pays sometimes we split it or he’ll pay the bill I’ll tip things like that.
He took a lot of pictures of his surroundings on his trip I’ve seen all the pictures.. mountains, water beaches, grass etc. I don’t want a photo book I told him it would just collect dust at my house. Sorry if that sounds mean.
OP's 2nd update:
I’m giving the football to my nephew, he’s getting nothing now lol if anything I’ll get him a beanie or a coffee cup with the wrong team or sport. I could give the football to my dad but he doesn’t watch football so he’d just be confused
I talked to him about it last night…unsure if that is still my “gift”. He’s offended I don’t like his heartfelt gift that he sat down and put together. I told him I understand he’s taking time putting the pictures in the photo album but I do not want or deserve the same gift as his coworkers and parents, I want a gift that shows me that he knows me and listens.
he started laughing and saying “sorry I can’t buy you Prada or Louis Vuitton” he was joking but it still offended me, Ive never in my life asked him or anyone for types of brands/gifts I don’t even own it.
I asked him if he at least understood my point of view he said no and told me he thinks it’s crazy. He explained he doesn’t know where or how to buy jewlery and does not online shop I gave him a couple stores to look at but he didn’t say much about it so we’ll see.
I understand he grew up not receiving much gifts or celebrating things I emphasized with that but if I’ve been here the past 4 years trying to celebrate thanksgiving, birthdays, Christmas, exchange gifts and he’s still not adjusting then I guess it’s just a part of him I can’t change atp.
He keeps making comments about me being materialistic stating I expect a $200 gift which I have never asked for. I told him I wouldn’t mind a $20-$50 dollar gift and he told me im lying.
I’m not sure where he’s gotten this idea of me being so mean and spoiled just because I work hard and provide for myself but it hurts that I’m not being heard or seen.
Since I turned 17 everything I own I have paid for myself because I no longer wanted to bother my parents. We haven’t spoken at all today so it’s just been me reading these comments and rethinking a lot of things.. thank you for checking in
OP's 4th update:
I bought him a signed Steelers football he got me a photo book with pictures from his solo vacation.
A couple people have been asking for an update so I thought I’d just make a quick post. We broke up!
My birthday party was on the 23rd and he told me he’d be working the entire day. When I called him to check in he said he got the day off and was going to spend it watching football with his friends I reminded him about my party and he said he...
hates going out and already promised his friend he’d watch football i must’ve said “but it’s my birthday” in confusion like 10 times before he said it’s not your birthday it’s just your birthday party and I’m not coming. I told him that was okay cause I was over it.
I asked him how Christmas was going to work and he told me he would stop by. He reminded me that he didn’t get me anything because I didn’t want his photo album and he refuses to buy my jewelry.
He then told me how much it hurt his feelings that I didnt want his photo book and said “I’ve never met someone so inconsiderate” this is when we sorta started to argue.
I told him if the photo book came with something more heartfelt then I’d appreciate it more but I don’t deserve the same gift being given to his co worker and his parents “I’m giving this gift to everyone that I love” yes...
I understand that but you could’ve added a handwritten card or notes literally anything also yes I said I liked jewlery but if you saw literally anything that reminded you of me I would’ve loved it I just want to know you care or thought about me.
He said “for my ex’s birthday I played her a song on the piano I don’t understand why you can’t be that type of girl” I asked him how he would know if he’s never done that for me. I didn’t even know he could play the piano.
My ex in high school played me the piano and I thought it was the sweetest thing. If he played it for me I would’ve loved it I’m not sure why he decided to bring up ex’s.
He told me I was just trying to make him feel guilty which he will never do. (His words not mine) So we broke it off.
After I broke it off he said it’s probably for the best cause he’s looking for someone he can buy a house and combine his money with I reminded him that I’m the only one with savings and also make more than him.
I asked for the golfing set back and told him he could keep all the other gifts he asked why and is now ignoring me when I text asking for a time to meet up and get it. he said it was stupid that I wanted it back.
I do feel a bit guilty when I see videos of people receiving horrible gifts and pretending to love it so I don’t know how to feel I definitely could’ve sucked it up but I guess it was time for us to go our separate ways.
OP's 5th update:
I never asked for expensive gifts. Funny enough my favorite gift this year was a framed picture of my nephews first school photo. a photo book of pictures you’ve already posted on Instagram that I had nothing to do with is not thoughtful he left me alone for 3 months.
I just started making more than him this year and he still makes decent income imagine my surprise when I found out he had $70k saved in his bank account before but was still making me pay for our Ubers and food by myself when I was making minimum wage because “times are hard”
Or more recently when I called him to tell him my uncles cancer had spread and he told me he was watching football so he had to call me back.
Or just the way he treated me in general. Yes I’m being petty by taking the gift back but he doesn’t deserve anything from me.