'Golden Child’ with PhD refuses to attend pregnant sister’s last minute wedding. AITA? UPDATED.
My sister (30F) and I (28F) have always had a complicated relationship. She has regarded me as the 'golden child' because I've generally stayed out of trouble, leading our parents to use me as an example for our other siblings.
explorenova writes:
I consistently excelled in school and have now earned a PhD, which may have triggered some envy on her part (or so I assume), as she decided to change her career path to mine and claims she has now started pursuing a PhD herself (which she isn't). This is just one example of how our lives have been; it’s a constant competition, so I usually don’t even share details about my life.
A bit of background: her wedding was canceled a year ago, as her fiancé decided to break the engagement just three weeks before the scheduled ceremony. Despite our differences, I supported her during that difficult time, and she expressed gratitude, acknowledging that she hadn't been a great sister in the past, especially during my abusive relationship.
Fast forward to today, I've been happily engaged for almost a year and am set to marry in 3 months in my home country. Strangely, my sister, who was supposed to be one of my bridesmaids, hasn't replied to any of my texts nor has she reached out to ask how she can assist, while my other sister and friends have been extremely supportive.
Then, just a week ago, my sister announced to the entire family that she's getting married in two weeks to a guy she has known for six months and is three months pregnant, making it impossible for her to be a bridesmaid at my wedding.
This revelation came as a shock due to the rapid developments. I also can't help but feel like she wanted to get married first and couldn’t stand me getting married before her.
I offered my congratulations, and she inquired if I would attend her wedding. I explained that she'd given me only 13 days' notice to travel 8 hours by flight, and I had numerous work deadlines to contend with, making it impossible for me to attend unless I were to stay for just two days.
My fiancé believes I made the right decision, but my sister and some of her friends have portrayed me as bitter for not attending. AITA for not attending?
Update: my other sister doesn’t think I’m bitter. My whole family thinks this whole thing is a bit crazy, and they understand that I have a more demanding job than them, and I can’t just leave or get time off that quickly. Only my older sister (the one getting married) and some of her friends think I’m being bitter.
I am now getting text messages from her friends asking why I’m not coming (it’s a 16-hour flight round trip, and they make it seem like it’s a one-hour drive). I have made the decision not to go, so I’m here asking if that makes me an AH. If some people think that I am TAH, I’m just going to brace myself for what might happen during my wedding.
OP provided an update:
Update: I understand why some people are upset, thinking I'm accusing my sister of trying to upstage me when perhaps she's rushing to get married because she's pregnant. However, she explicitly told me they were trying for a baby.
It was a planned pregnancy, not an accident. It's puzzling to me why someone would intentionally become pregnant knowing they wanted to marry first. It seems like it might be a strategy for a quicker wedding. I believe my family would have requested she wait until after my wedding if she weren't pregnant. Additionally, she's planning a gender reveal the day after our wedding.
I realize it may sound odd to think this way, and perhaps being in this type of relationship has made me more cynical and narcissistic, as some have suggested. But I struggle to see it that way, as I have never, ever tried to outshine her.
OP responded to comments:
wish1wasacat says:
NTA (Not the A%#hole) Sounds like you’ve dodged a bullet there babe, she’d have been a monster at your wedding. Ask if you watch it via zoom or something, send some nice flowers, that covers you in the eyes of family if that’s important to you. And then you go live your life. Congrats on your PHD and your upcoming wedding!
OP responded:
That’s exactly what one of my friends said. It would have been a very tense wedding if she was a bridesmaid. So, I honestly wasn’t disappointed when she dropped out. Thank you for the idea! I was going to give some cash for the newlyweds, but I will also send flowers the day before the wedding or something like that! Thank you!!
WalkingToConclusions says:
It actually doesn't matter that much what the relationship between you and your sister is like (the fact that it's complicated just adds some spice to the mix). It's rude and entitled to expect anybody to drop everything to go on an 8-hour flight to attend a wedding with 13 days' notice.
Especially when you're planning your own wedding and probably don't have any PTO to waste. Your sister is trying to out-marry you and is pissed you will not be there to watch her "humiliate" you. NTA.
Low-Television-7508 says:
Out marry. Out grandchild. Out divorce. Out second marriage. Et cetera and so forth. In the end, she will be first one there.
OP responded:
Funny enough, the first thing she said to me was how happy our dad was that he gets to have his first grandchild.
WriteMeBrah says
Yeesh. What happens if you end up having a child and they end up out-performing hers?
OP responded:
Oh my, I was thinking about this today. I don’t want my kids and her kids to be just like us. I am really hoping she snaps out of it when she has her first born. I am really hoping getting married and being the first one to have a kid will somehow satisfy her indefinitely.
Haunting_Being says:
NTA, your parents might be however. It sounds like they've taught your sister that life is a sprint race between the pair of you.
OP says:
I agrée. I have told both my parents that they are responsible for how things have turned out. I have a wonderful relationship with my younger sister, and I hate that it’s not the same with the older one.
What do you think? Would you have gone to the wedding?