Woman doesn't help out with dinner at in-laws house; Husband is furious; 'You EMBARRASSED me.' AITA? UPDATED

"AITA for not helping out when I was a guest at my in laws?"

so I have this theory (maybe faulty) that when one hosts a dinner party, the host(s) does everything and guests relax. whenever I have guests over, I don’t want them helping me set the table, or doing the dishes, I want them having fun and drinking and enjoying.

I was recently at my in laws. my MIL cooked up a storm and was frantically running in and out of the kitchen with various dishes, etc. I ate, took my plate to the kitchen, rinsed it off, then I saw my FIL sitting watching the game on tv so I sat with him and chatted, sipping wine.

when we got home, my husband was really upset I did not help his mom bring out the dishes, or clean up after the dinner. I was surprised and said I am the guest, when she is over our house I don’t ask her. he said “but she always offers. you should have offered.”

I said but I don’t feel like doing housework when I am a guest at someone’s house. I don’t really like cooking and usually order take out when I have guests. my husband said “this is not some stranger, this is family, you didn’t see how tired my mom was? everyone was helping and you just sat there and drank like a spoiled princess.”

he likes to bring that up because I am an only child and maybe I am a little spoiled. when I brought up his father and how the father was not helping, he got even angrier.

so I don’t know maybe I am in the wrong here. but I don’t want to be handling dishes and stuff when I am tipsy.

Ages for those who interested: me and husband 45f/45m; mother and father in law both 70.

EDIT: people asking me if husband helped. yes he did but he just needed to carry plates from table to kitchen. women were expected to help prep the food and I am not great at cutting food or cooking

Before we give you OP's update, let's look at some top responses:

agad6 writes:

It’s implied. Husband says “everyone was helping out” and OP said “your dad wasn’t” which suggests that indeed, everyone except OP and the dad were helping.

ETA: I’ve gone over this multiple times in this thread. Inference is a logical reasoning skill. If Person A says “Everyone in the friend group went on that trip to Italy”, and Person B says “well actually Jill didn’t!”, you can reasonably infer that Jill is the exception to “everyone”, and that every other person in the friend group did go to Italy.

Likewise, if someone says “everyone helped out after dinner”, and someone replies “actually FIL didn’t”, you can reasonably infer that every other guest in attendance contributed in some way to dinner or cleanup.

This comes down to whether or not you think it’s polite to offer to help when you see most of the other people in attendance helping. I, personally, think that even if that’s not your expectation for your own home, when you are in someone else’s, the best thing to do is at least offer.

And yes, FIL sucks for not helping too. But that’s not what OP asked.

cringe5 writes:

ESH. Husband didn't say anything to you while at his mom's house? Did MIL ask you to help? If you want something you got to ask that's how I have always operated, if your husband is upset he should say something earlier not get mad at you when you got home. FIL didn't help, it's his wife so why is the expectation on you to help? Husband is being unreasonable imo.

heto writes:

Etiquette in my family and my SO's family has never been along these lines. And we're each from opposing corners of the country.

If you're hosting you're responsible for what happens. If people want to help and you also agree good; if they don't help they shouldn't be held accountable for not helping if you also didn't ask them to help you.

Most of the times a family has it's own etiquette regarding large family dinners. The issue here is that OP was utterly oblivious to her SO's family's etiquette - which is a bit odd. I can only assume they're not dating long.

Also for their age the communication was really poor. Making a mistake in a social context isn't the end all and be all. Things should always be relayed with calm and understanding; you cannot assume by default that someone has malintent or disrespect because they don't do what you expect them to do.

At 45yo I expected them both to be a little more mature about it - he could've set her aside or just call her to help him during the fact but he didn't; he waited until they left then became passive-aggresive when he heard she's not sharing his view of the situation.

She could also have shown understanding and realize she misread the situation and things in his family don't happen as she assumed they would.

blodsweate writes:

NTA. It’s very rude to expect guests to do work when they’re at your house. I had a large party a few weeks ago and at one point I found a guest in my kitchen washing dishes and I was MORTIFIED until she explained that she just needed a breather from everyone.

And especially in your case, what you did is exactly what a guest SHOULD do, which is take your cue from one of the hosts, your FIL. The whole situation is incredibly strange and I don’t understand why your in-laws thought it would be appropriate to have you do work at their house when you’re a guest.

What was your husband doing during all of this, and why wasn’t your FIL helping after dinner if MIL was so over-worked? Something here smells incredibly se%ist…

temp5 writes:

You and your husband are AH’s. I just can’t imagine watching somebody run around like that and not at least offer. 9/10 times people say no. But it’s polite to ask. Yes, you’re a guest.

But JFC if you help it can cut time in half and everybody gets more time to visit. It’s also kinda cringey you got tipsy at what is coming across as a more intimate dinner, IMO.

I have nothing against drinking. But your 70 year old MIL probably could have used some help. Also “don’t want to handle dishes” what? How drunk were you? At slightly tipsy you should be able to handle a dish just fine.

taemone writes:

NTA. So we’re there really other people at the dinner who helped your MIL during and after the meal ? Because you only named your husband and MIL/FIL. Was your husband helping ? I’m getting the vibe that only women do this kind of work while the men sit on their arses. Doesn’t seem fair to me.

And I feel the same way as you….guests don’t do the work when I am hosting in my house. But I hate cleaning up at the end so when I am the guess at someone else’s place I always ask do they need help because I know it’s such a chore at the end.

aghsop writes:

YTA. Im the MIL in this situation. After cooking and prepping (which probably started the day before) I would have wanted to kick your princess ass for sitting there while I cleaned up. You aren't a GUEST. You are FAMILY. Pitch in and help.

lythg writes:

Yes, kind of. I get your perception about being a guest and and that you dont ask his mother for help when they visit you.

You didn't indicate whether you had the same quantity of quests as your MIL but you did say you dont like to cook so you probably ordered in and it was significantly less effort for you, may also have been significantly less people.

But in my humble opinion, what about common courtesy and kindness? It seems very wrong for one 70yr old woman to be running herself ragged while you, your husband, her husband, and all other family/guests are lounging around not doing anything.

Plus cooking from scratch is a labor of love and very time consuming and labor intensive. Despite being a guest, it is never wrong to ask the host if there is anything you can do? They can always decline. Also some people at 70 have a lot less stamina and energy and that is also a factor.

If your best friend invited you your husband and a slew of other friends for a meal and you see she is running around like crazy, would you still ignore that and chat with others?

If you are in someone's home a friend or family and they are bringing a large platter with side dishes in and someone bumps into them causing the platter of 6 side dishes to shatter sending food and broken dishes everywhere, would you continue whatever inane thing you were doing, or would you jump in to offer help, even though you are a guest and werent responsible for the situation?

If so, you seem like a massively self-absorbed person with a crappy attitude. Your husband should've helped and rather than telling you what you should do he should have suggested you both help and maybe if you both model helpful behavior others would join in and help and visit while helping.

And now, OP's update:

UPDATE-thanks for the comments. I am a bit spoiled and a bit of a princess now that I realize. can I offer to help but put up boundaries? like I don’t like prepping food. I can carry stuff to and from the kitchen. like one time my mil asked me to cut vegetables and it was very difficult and I could hear she was getting a little frustrated and said “it’s ok I will do it myself”.