'AITA for enforcing my surrogacy contract?' UPDATED
"AITA for enforcing my surrogacy contract?"
Ok so for context my husband is James 39, I’m F29 and my sister is Tilly 30. When my husband and I found out I wouldn’t be able to carry a baby my sister offered to be our surrogate so we could still have a biological child. She did this totally unprompted and on her own.
She had divorced her husband over a year ago and was settling into single life. We offered to cover all medical expenses and expenses for anything that could improve her life/pregnancy quality as it’s not legal to pay for a surrogate in my country.
She was more than happy to do that and as time went on she said she didn’t like pregnancy, it freaked her out and she couldn’t wait to just give the baby to us and go on holiday.
So three days ago she gave birth to our daughter. She’s perfect and such a beautiful baby and we were getting ready to take her home when Tilly denied it. She said I couldn’t have my baby. I was really confused and asked what was wrong, what did she mean?
She said she’d changed her mind and didn’t want to give us our baby. I reminded her she wasn’t biologically a parent to my daughter and reminded her that she hated pregnancy and wanted to go on holiday. She said no, wouldn’t let me hold my baby and made the nurse take me out.
Since then I’ve been crying and really upset. Our parents are trying to get her to see sense and none of it made any sense to me until James sat me down and showed me texts he had been getting from her for the past few weeks.
They started out innocent but then she said how h0rn% the pregnancy was making her. He sent back a laughing emoji but she carried on and prepositioned him. Asking him if he was attracted to the woman carrying his baby, saying surely it made him feel some way.
She sent some risky photos of her in lingerie and he told her to stop, she wasn’t his wife, he wouldn’t mention anything as none of us needed more stress but this wasn’t appropriate.
Since then I’ve been looking over the contract we had drawn up and there is a clause that allows me to gain custody by showing Tilly’s written agreement and understanding of our contract to a judge.
I’ve text Tilly telling her she has a day to give me my baby or I will take her to court to enforce the contract and get custody of my child. Our cousins have text me saying I’m an AH for pressuring a woman to give her baby up. But it’s my baby not hers!!!!
Here's what people had to say to OP:
TrifleMeNot writes:
Did she have se% with OP's husband to get pregnant? I would forward all of those pix to the flying monkeys. Shut them down. Get a lawyer NOW!
OP responds:
No. We did it at a fertility clinic.
dag70 writes:
NTA. But please have some empathy for the incredible sacrifice of risking her health, permanent changes to her body, and how incredibly difficult it is to give up a baby you've been carrying for nine months. I think this emotional confusion about carrying a baby that is your husband's is why she is flirting with him.
She agreed but she did not know how incredibly hard it would be. Especially with all of the pre- and postnatal hormones. It's your baby, you should push to get the baby, but I don't think she's an asshole.
Just overwhelmed and hijacked by her emotions and hormones right now. I hope in the long run you can have some compassion and mend the relationship. Even tho she is making things difficult right now, after it gets sorted it out, she will still ultimately be the person who made it possible for you to have the family you want.
OP responds:
If I’m honest it feels like emotional manipulation. She’s had no feelings or attachment to the baby literally the whole pregnancy.
She’s said she only did it so she could get the private healthcare, the holiday she’s going on was paid by us. Anything she wanted during pregnancy; food, clothes, Dyson hair dryer we got her.
We sent her on wellness weekends. She admitted she wanted some pampering after the divorce and knew we would give that to the woman housing our baby. (OOP later added this to the original post)
dgamwt1 writes:
Hmm. Without boots on the ground, I can't tell from here if this is a manipulation or if she is genuinely feeling emotionally overwhelmed... Carrying a baby for nine months, the rush of hormones related to birth, that is very powerful. So I can't write it off but ofc you know her better.
But honestly this info makes you a little less sympathetic. It sounds like you kind of took advantage of her lack of care and attention and money/vulnerable post-divorce state to get a surrogate you didn't have to pay. It's still your baby but this doesn't sit right.
OP responds:
Be so for real. We gave her anything she not only needed but wanted. Also I never asked her to do it. She practically begged me to let her do it. She’s healthy and I’m not.
Obviously I don't have all the details. You came here asking for input and opinions. I'm giving mine based on what you shared, which will always be an incomplete picture.
caeratg7 writes:
The going rate for a surrogate is, what? $50,000 these days? There's not denying you got a bargain even if you gave her whatever she wanted.
Look from a purely practical point of view: if you can put your anger down briefly and you go to her, thank her for carrying the baby, thank her for taking on that risk and sacrifice...
tell her you know it’s hard and confusing right now but that you are the mom, and promise her that she will always have a place in your life and the baby’s life as her most special aunt - you might actually get what you want faster. Just something to consider.
OP responds:
Ok just so you know I did that. I did that as soon as my daughter was born. I thanked her immensely. And then I find out she tried to preposition my husband and then find out she’s holding my baby hostage. Makes it’s difficult to ‘put your anger down’.
dagahy0 writes:
Why didn’t your husband say anything when she was texting him inappropriately?
OP responds:
I have a heart condition and it was the last few weeks of pregnancy. I was constantly stressing something would go wrong so he wanted to reduce the stress for me and Tilly
OP responds:
She is not my child’s mother. I am. End of.
I'm sorry for the predicament you find yourself in, but in many countries, LEGALLY, you are not.
OP responds:
Luckily we have the clause which means I am. All I have to do is get a judge to enforce it.
If the law states otherwise no judge CAN nor will enforce it. I hope you have a good lawyer.
gaga7 writes:
I do think you should be given your baby, since baby is biologically yours.
OP responds:
Thank you. We’re not from the states so I think that makes a difference.
henriteea writes:
NTA. I hope your sister didn't have an ulterior motive to get pregnant with your husband's child in hopes of taking him from you. That's disrespectful.
The child is biologically you and your husband's. Take her to court. Call for a welfare check on the child. I'm sure your sister had nothing prepared to bring home a newborn. Then again, if she did. She's had this planned.
I would also poatpone the holiday at the bare minimum. After you have your child, fulfill the contract.
OP responds:
We’ve paid for them to stay longer at the maternity facility they are in so that we have peace of mind baby girl is ok and safe!
fisnta1 writes:
Good thinking. I was concerned for the baby's sake. My heart breaks for both you and your husband. What should be the happiest time in your life has become a huge betrayal. As long as your child is safe.
That's the most important thing right now. Have faith. You will get your child. It's just going to take a little longer. You have the law on your side with the contract. Stay strong and lean on your husband. You both will get through this together. Godspeed.
OP responds:
Thank you so much. If I thought my sister was mentally unwell I’d be the first one to help but it really feels like manipulation as she didn’t get what she wanted. I’m upset to not have her with us for her first few days but at least she is safe.
OP adds:
Our contract was very clear. Tilly did not wish for rights to the baby. She gave those up of her own free will pre birth. She was evaluated to be of sane mind when she made this decision. We didn’t pay her to do it. She offered without being asked. We’re giving her to the end of the day before we start the legal proceedings
fakaetn writes:
Did she already have kids? If not she had no idea what she was agreeing to, growing a baby inside your body is a life changing experience, it’s the closest possible connection between two people.
I believe this is why generally surrogates must have children of their own before signing a contact.
NAH. She just gave birth so mentally she’s in a very unique place with all systems set to taking care of the baby, the situation sucks for everyone. Was there counselling before? This should have been discussed beforehand.
OP responds:
She has a son. I’ll add an edit but it’s feels really manipulative to me. She basically begged to let her do it for us.
And now, OP's update:
Just thought I’d give a little update as lots of people were using the update bot.
We have Tilly 24hrs before we started the legal proceedings to give us our baby. I’ve been into work today to keep my mind busy as I was so nervous and I work in a hospital so it’s kept my mind busy whereas James is able to work from home.
It’s been so hard the past few days not having our daughter with us, we’d imagined being able to spend the first few days of her life together as a family, getting in all the newborn skin to skin contact but instead we’ve just been looking at her empty nursery.
When I got home from work James told me that the maternity facility had been in contact to say my sister and our baby had been discharged.
One didn’t want to worry me when I was at work and had been trying to find them but it had only happened about an hour before I got home. Then two hours later someone knocks on our door and it’s Tilly holding our baby.
She gives her too me and just shrugs and says sorry but that it wasn’t her fault she was attracted to the man whose baby she was carrying but that she’d forgotten how much newborns cry and need to be fed and said she wasn’t the mother. She left quickly after that after giving us the final legal form with her signature on.
Safe to safe we’ve just been soaking in having our baby with us finally. We been able to put her in the clothes we’d gotten her, we put her down in her crib and fed her a bottle. And most importantly we’ve had so many cuddles.
We haven’t really put her down and I feel a bit scared to. Like she can be taken away again. She’s beautiful and she’s perfect and her name is Alexandria Renee. I'm so glad you've got your baby back.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
fqueontin writes:
I hope that you never let your 'sister' anywhere near your child. She stole your precious first days with your baby, just because she wanted your husband. That is disgusting behaviour. She doesn't deserve to ever be forgiven.
I'm so happy for you,I was worried that you would have to give through a lengthy court battle. She is in wonderful hands. Will you keep in contact with your sister?
OP responds:
I’d like to. Hopefully she will have an attitude change.
wertt2 writes:
I’d suggest a “trust but verify” type approach from here. Get some cameras, take a good long (couple months, maybe a year) break from having much to do with her in-person...
if you put your daughter into any sort of childcare make sure they know to call you/husband before letting anyone else pick her up (should be standard procedure, but emphasize the importance).
It could very well be that this whole thing is just the pregnancy/labor hormones messing with your sister’s head, in which case she’ll probably calm way down, back way off, and generally be embarrassed about the whole thing.
If she does, it would be a kindness, and probably easiest, to just let it be water under the bridge. If it’s more than that, well, that’s why you take precautions anyway.
OP responds:
I’d like to do that. But obviously will not tolerate her coming onto my husband