Woman faces moral dilemma; 'If I DON'T send my mom's disturbing confession to my stepdad, WIBTA?' UPDATED 2X
When this woman is torn about her mom's confession, she asks the internet:
"WIBTAH if I don't send my mom's disturbing confession to my step-father?"
My mom (45F) and dad (46M) got divorced when I (22F) was 14. Their marriage ended because my mom had cheated on my dad with my uncle (dad's brother). It was a chaos.
My uncle was pretty much disowned by the entire family. They got married and had my cousin-brother (5M). I do not talk to my mom that often. I do not express it but I loath her for destroying 2 homes because she had to be a cheater. I lived with my dad mostly.
He is an amazing dad and always prioritized me unlike my mother who settled outside of the town with her new family. So since then it has been me and my dad.
3 years ago he started dating Sarah (40F), who was the little sister of his close friend. Sarah always had a crush on dad but she moved away for college. Recently she has opened a business in our town.
I love Sarah. She is an incredible human. She is now pregnant with my little sister or brother. I have noticed how happy my dad has become since he started dating Sarah. I would say even more than he was happy with mom.
Their marriage wasn't bad but it wasn't good either. Probably because of my mom's partying habits. They lived as civil union till now but dad and Sarah decided it is best they get married soon because a new baby is on the way.
My grandfather wanted a big ceremony for this. So, we have been busy with the wedding preparations. Suddenly I get a voicemail from my mom. It is weird because, even though we talk on the phone she never sent me voicemail. I played it and it was addressed to my dad.
She was drunk and was crying the entire time. She said that she made a mistake and to forgive her. She never meant to sleep with my uncle and she only did it because she was angry with him.
She is not happy with uncle because she always has my dad in her mind. She named her son the name he (my dad) picked when he said what name he would choose if he had a son. I realized this must be a mistake.
Because my dad's name and mine starts with the same alphabet or maybe she was so drunk that she accidentally send the voicemail to me. I played it to my dad. He looked angry at first but then looked disappointed.
I asked him what he wants me to do. He said that I should delete it. I was confused. He further explained that my mom is in the past now. She has her own family. If this voicemail gets leaked she could lose the only people who is with her right now. And he doesn't want to create tension in her life by exposing her.
She already had her fair share of insults from the family and friends since her affair was exposed. Also they have a child and it will be traumatizing for him too. But I think that my uncle needs to know what my mom is up to now. So, wibta if I share this voicemail to my uncle who is unfortunately my step-dad or should I listen to my dad?
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
groan writes:
This is a tough one. Does your uncle deserve to know what his wife really thinks, or do you let them wallow around in the misery they created for themselves??
What would be the impact of telling him? It would probably hurt him, create the probability of divorce and break up a family that has a 5 yo. If it wasn't for the 5yo I'd say go nuclear, they both deserve it and each other. But turning a 5 yō's life upside down is rough.
OP responds:
Honestly, even if I do not it will explode. My mom uses cheating as a coping mechanism. (Something my older cousin told me). She has cheated on my dad multiple times. Affair with my uncle was the last straw for dad. I won't be surprised if she is already cheating.
Well my mom had multiple affairs before this affair with my uncle. This was the last straw for my dad. My dad tried to make things work with my mom before for me. They were able to reconcile before the final affair.
fiaa5 writes:
Your uncle deserves to know that the POS he married is being a POS to him. Also, are you sure that your dad is your bio dad?
OP responds:
Yes, my dad did a paternity test when I was 7 when my mom cheated on him with a random dude. Just for me he decided to stay and work things out. Plus people always say I look like my dad a lot so I have no doubt he is my bio dad.
crane5 writes:
YWBTA. Your Mom clearly enjoys creating chaos and pain, finding out that your Dad/her Exhusband is finally happy and that she no longer has a stronghold on his emotions… that’s most likely the reason she sent YOU this message.
With the escape of claiming it was an “accident” and only meant for your Dad. Easily placing the blame for the pain she WANTS to cause on “You OP”.
She wants to RUIN anyone who no longer allows her to live in their mind. Even if it also destroys her life in the mist of it, that clearly is her go to. If “She can’t have him, no one can”. She is a despicable person and use’s relationships of those around her to get her evil needs met.
I don’t blame you OP, for wanting to share this with everyone, you have had your past trauma brought to the forefront and have been “burdened” with this secret AGAIN. She/your Mom has tricked you into doing exactly what she cruelly intended.
It’s unfair that you are now being forced to carry that in your mind and heart. Because it’s very common to feel relief in unloading emotional stress, to reach out to anyone that would understand that burden you’re holding onto.
But PLEASE OP, do NOT let her use you as a tool to hurt those you love. Because if you do, the emotional turmoil you feel now… will be expanded on with such vengeance… it’ll possibly ruin not only you but the love and trust you now have with your Dad and his future wife, the mother of his youngest child and most likely the relationship with your future sibling too…
DON’T play her game!!! Please seek therapy and share this trauma and secret with a professional, that can help you process it in a healthy way. Hold onto this for another year and then, if it still is plaguing you… discuss it with your Dad. Allow HIM to share the burden, but don’t give that heavy burden to anyone else!!!
She’s been able to manipulate and destroy almost a decade of your life and the other victims to her games. I would gamble that this will not be her only attack against you, your Dad and his future wife.
She has a NEED for revenge, revenge on anyone who dares to be happy…. Most likely SHE herself will share the information in this message or will be able to manipulate someone else into doing it for her, once she realizes her strategy didn’t work on you.
Again, I’m so sorry you have been put in this position, your feelings and need to share are valid and understandable. But do the right thing, the hard thing and share it with a professional that has no skin in this game.
Use this as an opportunity to shed the pain and trauma she has caused, learn to create healthy boundaries so you don’t experience this same internal confusion and stress in the future. And to give yourself fully to those you love and who love you in return.
remarkab writes:
YWBTA - The message was for your dad. He told you what he wanted. End of story. Maybe It would be a different story if the message was for you. My dad’s ex did something similar when he was engaged to my now stepmother.
She sent the letter to my sister’s house to give to him. My dad didn’t want us to tell his now wife and told us to get rid of it. Knowing his wife now (who is a great person -btw), I understand now. At the time, I didn’t. But, it saved a lot of unnecessary hurt and pain. Nothing good would have come of us sharing the info.
change566 writes:
NTA. But you need to delete the message, it was not meant for you and it’s not your place to go telling anyone else but your father.
You are still angry and bitter at your mother, understandably so. But don’t do this out of spite. Do not ruin your Dads wedding and your brother/cousins life. Your mother made her bed, now she can unhappily lie in it. Just focus on the good family you have and let them be happy. Your Dad and Sarah deserve to be happy.
faceg0 writes:
YWBTA if you sent your uncle that message. I'd bet dollars to doughnuts your mom purposely sent you the message so you would expose the message and YOU will be at fault for the family imploding.
Your mom can deny that she meant it. She can blame being drunk. She can blame you for intercepting a message obviously meant for your dad.
She wants YOU to be responsible for her marriage ending so she can pursue your dad and ruin his relationship with Sarah without it being her fault.
Listen to your dad, and go NC with your mom because your relationship with her is obviously volatile and not healthy for either of you.
Your family is your dad and Sarah; your mother made her bed, it is not your responsibility to lie in it.
And now, OP's first major update:
Hello guys, I wanted to give an update for my previous post. I took your advice and deleted it. I know it will not do anyone any good. My dad did say he will talk to Sarah about it so I stayed out of it.
The next day my mom called me to say she is sorry. She was drunk out of her ass and was spewing non-sense. She asked me if my dad listened to it. I said yes but he told me to delete it. I also told her firmly that she should stop acting like a teenager when she is a mother of 2 kids.
Did she really think her little stunt will work? I told her it was her decision to cheat and leave dad. She doesn't deserve a pity party after my dad had moved on. She said she understood and thanked me for deleting the messages.
I thought that was it. The problem is gone and we can move on. But it was short lived. Today we were having lunch. The whole family was with us including our grandparents.
My uncle/step-dad came screaming demanding to see my dad. My mom was with him trying to get him out of our property. When my dad came out he literally jumped on dad. Telling him he was a homewrecker, calling him all sorts of names. Apparently he found the voicemail on her phone.
Not just that he found several voice notes of her drunk confession that she still loves dad and hopes they can work this out. This turned ugly real quick. My uncle/step-dad was not having it and said that he has no right to break his family. He is already the reason why he (my uncle) is disowned from the family.
My dad was who always stays calm raised his voice saying he has no interest in him or his wh0re of a wife. Uncle also accused him of paternity fraud saying his kid is not his but actually belonged to my dad because he is sure that my dad and mom had an affair 5 years ago which resulted in my brother.
My mom was saying this is not true. My dad told him he is happy to do a paternity test if that gets him off his back. He wants nothing to do with him or his wife. My other uncles kicked both of them out. My step-dad/uncle threatened to take my dad to court and sue for child support.
Well this whole thing upset Sarah. She thought it was really disrespectful and she wants some peace. She has no energy to deal with these shenanigans. I get that. My dad is willing to make it up to her. I am sure she doesn't believe a word my uncle said. My dad is pissed.
There was a family discussion where they said "that witch has ruined more than 2 lives". I am really ashamed of my mom really. I cannot believe I am related to her. I sometimes wish she wasn't my bio-mom. I have blocked her. I only kept in contact because of my brother but not anymore.
Edit: I think I should clear it out that she sent me the message from a messaging app. I forgot that most people think a voice message and a voicemail is different but I always thought they are the same. Just in different platform. I call every voice message a voice mail. Maybe I should have cleared that out earlier.
Update 2:
I don't know if this qualifies as an update but here it goes. I think the mods would get tired of the updates because I keep learning more and more stuff about the messed up dynamic of my family. Maybe I will make one final update when things settle. But this is more of rant of what happened today.
Today I was supposed to take my little brother out for a carnival in our town. He was excited. I promised to take him. But due to the recent events I have been doubting my decision. I asked my dad for his car because mine was broken so I can take my little bro. I know there is a lot of tension but a promise is a promise.
My dad warned me that my mom could use my bro to manipulate me. I kept that in mind and called in advance that I am taking my brother in 15 minutes and to have him ready. I arrived at her place and my brother was nowhere to be seen.
I called my mom. She says he is still getting ready. I was frustrated because I told her earlier to get him ready. Anyways, I just went inside the house. My uncle was not there. He told my cousin that he was going to take a paternity test of him and my brother so that he knows what the next step is.
My mother saw me and tried to hug me. I just stopped her. I was not in mood. She asked me to sit on the living room and wait for my brother. At first she tried to make small talks with me but when I refused to reciprocate she told me "Ok I get it that you are mad at me but I do not deserve to be punished.
I know calling your dad was a mistake but you have to know that I still love him. He is the love of my life. I needed to get all of that out of my system so my therapist suggested I start journaling but voice recordings work best".
I called her out on her bullshit. If she really loved dad she wouldn't have had an affair with his own brother. She cannot love anyone but herself. She tried to explain, moan and cry and even went on a feminist rant.
"Oh you don't know how hard it was for me as a woman. I was always shamed for my se%ual liberation. You have any idea how much hypocrisy a woman has to face if she wants to explore se%ually." As a feminist I took it as an offense that she used political movements to justify her cheating.
I told her I am not interested in listening to her rant. She can be a se%ually liberated woman as she wants but she has no right to hurt people for her own selfish needs. She never even thought about us or her son when she was on the verge destroying another family. I called her an empty shell of a woman before my bro came downstairs.
I was so angry and frustrated. What kind of a woman talks like that to her own child? I took my bro to the carnival and tried to keep my mind off mom. I realized I need to stay away from her until this matter is resolved. I told my bro that for a few days I might not be able to visit but he is free to call me.
I feel bad for him. I went through the painful period when my parents divorced. I know how that feels when you own family betrays you. I was in a position that I had to choose between my two parents. I hope something good comes up.
Readers continued to weigh in on OP's updates:
eyewidesh writes:
NTA. My friend’s mother left her father for his brother. It was a big deal in the family, as you can imagine. The dad was devastated and triggered into mental illness, the grandparents were horrified. The children were traumatised. But the selfish couple at the centre of it just brazened it out and got their own way.
They didn’t have more children, but the unclestepdad did his best to freeze out his niblingsstepchildren and they have a very strained relationship with their mother now. He was horribly controlling and she just let him do whatever he wanted to her children.
Sadly for my friend and her brother they had to stay with their mum and unclestepdad after the divorce because their father had a mental breakdown and wasn’t in a position to house them or feed them. He’s doing a lot better now but it took years for him to become stable again.
There wasn’t sufficient justification for the grandparents to take on the children either - my friend used to run away to her paternal grandparents but always got brought back because outside of abuse there was no legal reason she couldn’t live at home with her married and ‘stable’ mother and uncle-stepfather.
Her maternal grandparents were upset with what their daughter did, but she was still their daughter and eventually they just accepted their replacement son-in-law, they were no help to my friend either.
Cheating is one of the most self-centred things a person can do, and then cheating with your spouse’s sibling (or parent!) is dropping a nuclear bomb in the centre of a family and being completely surprised why people hate you.
finnerty5 writes:
NTA. I think it’s weird that the mother is saying you don’t know what it was like back then. It was 20 ish years ago! 20 ish years ago was the late 90’s early 00’s, not the 40’s or 50’s.
Things are more open minded now with regards to poly relationships and things like that, but being se%ually free with opposite sex back then wouldn’t exactly make you a social pariah.