Woman 'finally snaps' at 'overbearing' MIL, threatens to leave 'mama's boy' husband. AITA?'
"AITA for finally snapping at my overbearing MIL and threatening to leave my husband?"
I am a long-time lurker but honestly have turned to posting to finally figure out whether or not I am in the asshole in this situation because I am at my wits’ end. My husband (34M) and I (32F) have been together since high school, and we’ve been married for eight years. We’ve always had a strong relationship, but there’s one person who constantly causes issues – his mother.
Let’s call her MILzilla. Ever since we started dating, MILzilla has been a nightmare. At first, it was little things, like making snide comments about my clothes or how I wasn’t good enough for her precious son. But I had a slither of hope these comments would perhaps go away but over the years, it has escalated to a point where I literally can’t take it anymore.
Here are just some examples:
Our Wedding: She had the AUDACITY to wear a white dress to our wedding and made a big scene during the ceremony. She pretended to faint to draw attention away from us. I could go way more into this absurd story but it’s not relevant.
Pregnancy: When I got pregnant with our first child, she kept insisting that she should move in to “help” because I “wouldn’t know what to do.” I put my foot down and said no, but she started showing up UNANNOUNCED almost daily, criticizing everything I did.
Parenting: She constantly undermines my parenting decisions, from what our kids eat to how we discipline them. She even told our daughter that she could have ice cream for breakfast if she asked Grandma instead of Mommy.
My husband has always been a bit of a mama’s boy. He insists that she means well and that I should just let it go. He never stands up to her, and it’s caused a lot of tension between us. I’ve tried to be patient and understand that he’s in a tough spot, but last weekend was the final straw.
We were hosting a small family gathering for our daughter’s birthday. Everything was going well until MILzilla decided to give our daughter a puppy as a “surprise gift” without asking us first.
I believe gifting someone an animal, especially someone’s child is just completely inconsiderate without asking the parents first. Our daughter has allergies, and we had explicitly told everyone that we couldn’t have pets. When I confronted her, she turned on the waterworks, claiming I was trying to ruin her relationship with her granddaughter.
I completely LOST it. I yelled at her in front of everyone, telling her that she was selfish and manipulative and that if she didn’t start respecting our boundaries, she wouldn’t be welcome in our lives anymore. She stormed out, and now my husband has been thoroughly furious with me. He says I overreacted and should apologize to MIL to keep the peace.
My husband and I have had many conversations about his mother over the years. I've tried counseling, both individually and as a couple, but he’s always made excuses for her. This was not a sudden outburst but the result of years of built-up frustration.
I’m so tired. I love my husband. But I just can’t keep living like this. I’ve tried to set boundaries, but they’re constantly ignored. I told my husband that if he doesn’t start supporting me and standing up to his mother, I’m seriously considering filing for a divorce.
But now he’s accusing me of being manipulative and giving him an ultimatum. So, AITA for snapping at my MIL and threatening to leave my husband over this?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
InternationalArt1327 said:
Before deciding anything, talk to an attorney and an accountant and get your ducks in a row so that if and when you decide on divorce, so much stress will already be taken care of and you'll know some of what to expect going forward.
Teach your kids, whether you stay or leave, that (1) it's not their fault and you will always be there for them, (2) everyone deserves to be treated with respect, and (3) everyone is responsible for their own happiness, and you would want them to be happy in their lives, which sometimes means moving on.
RemoteBroccoli said:
Oh girl, you don't have a milzilla-problem, you have a "Mama's Boy" problem. Get the ball rolling, get it clear, and make it clear that "It's happening, either you support me, your goddamn wife, or you can go back to your mothers." NTA.
ACM915 said:
NTA- but go consult an attorney and find out what your options are, especially in keeping MIL away from your child. She has already basically destroyed your marriage and will seek to ruin the relationship with your child unless strict guidelines are put into place. Your future ex husband needs to grow a pair, but he wont and will be happy to crawl back up mama vajaja when you kick him to the curb.
One-Comb2574 said:
NTA. A lot of things contributed to my divorce, and a big one was his boundary stomping mom. He actually doesn’t like her, but he would always choose the easier option at the moment (in his mind).
Look for a family law attorney at a top firm in the closest big city to you. Picking one of the associates is fine (lower hourly rate). Start thinking about what you want in a shared parenting plan. For example, since your child has allergies, the child cannot be around any animals for more than X hours.
The child’s father must supervise (at all times) the child around MILzilla. Even with supervision, the child cannot be around MILzilla between the hours of (let’s say) 10pm-9am. These things were in my shared parenting plan. It can be done and enforced.
But really start thinking about what you want included in a shared parenting plan. Talk to an attorney. The puppy thing would’ve been my breaking point, especially because your child has allergies. Your husband should’ve been angrier than you were since it’s his mom. He wasn’t. He defended her and told you to apologize. Nope. I’m sorry.
One-Comb2574 said:
NTA. A lot of things contributed to my divorce, and a big one was his boundary stomping mom. He actually doesn’t like her, but he would always choose the easier option at the moment (in his mind). Look for a family law attorney at a top firm in the closest big city to you. Picking one of the associates is fine (lower hourly rate).
Start thinking about what you want in a shared parenting plan. For example, since your child has allergies, the child cannot be around any animals for more than X hours.
The child’s father must supervise (at all times) the child around MILzilla. Even with supervision, the child cannot be around MILzilla between the hours of (let’s say) 10pm-9am. These things were in my shared parenting plan. It can be done and enforced.
But really start thinking about what you want included in a shared parenting plan. Talk to an attorney. The puppy thing would’ve been my breaking point, especially because your child has allergies. Your husband should’ve been angrier than you were since it’s his mom. He wasn’t. He defended her and told you to apologize. Nope. I’m sorry.
WhatHappenedMonday said:
NTA. Throw the worthless spineless husband away. Get an attorney and get as much custody as possible. Go scorched earth in the divorce. Maybe (I doubt it) he will wake up, but at this point you are not losing anything valuable. Also check out the JustNOMIL sub here for further help and recommendations.