'AITA for saying 'you should’ve thought about that before you procreated?'
"AITA for saying 'you should’ve thought about that before you procreated?'"
My ex and I have a 13-year-old daughter, “Nicole”. Nicole has several medical conditions that require a lot of attention. She will need some sort of in home assistance for the rest of her life.
She is legally disabled. While we have an aide to help a couple of days a week, it is still a challenge. The outcome of Nicole’s condition became clear when she was 2.
At that point, my ex and I agreed we wouldn’t have more kids because it wouldn’t be fair to anyone. There’d be no way we could focus attention on two kids. Someone would lose out in this situation.
We divorced when Nicole was 5. We originally had 50/50 custody. 3 years later, my ex remarried. His new wife, Callie, is nice. My ex did say that she didn’t understand the severity of Nicole’s condition.
I figured there was a learning curve. Eventually, Callie basically said she wanted to be hands off. Which I respected, though I wondered how it’d work considering Nicole lives with them half the time.
Last year, my ex and Callie had a baby. I was a little surprised given my ex was always firm on not having more kids but figured it wasn’t any of my business. He did begin to complain that it was a lot of work juggling Nicole and the baby. I sympathized but really didn’t know what else to say. Recently, the venting got worse.
He said Callie yelled at him for taking Nicole to her physical therapy appointment instead of helping her with the baby. He brought up potentially having Nicole stay with me more. I wasn’t entirely shocked but it pissed me off.
I said Nicole was his daughter. He can’t just abandon that responsibility. He asked what he was supposed to do about the baby.
I said “maybe you should’ve thought of that before you procreated? I mean, really, we discussed this 10 years ago as to why it’d be hard to juggle two kids. Why did you think having another would be a good idea?” He got quiet and said Callie wanted a baby.
I said that isn’t enough of a reason and maybe he should’ve thought harder before bringing more life into this world.
The conversation ended with me saying I’d call my lawyer and we could arrange for him to have less custody as I’d rather my daughter be properly cared for than be viewed as a burden. Callie called me that night very upset that I had made my ex cry and that I said her baby shouldn’t exist.
I said that’s not what I said completely, more that they didn’t think it through. She called me a jerk. AITA?
Let's take a look at some top responses:
Only-Ingenuity7889 wrote:
I assume Callie had this dream of Nicole magically disappearing over to your place, so she and ex can have just their happy new trio. You are absolutely correct to hold him accountable, esp if Nicole has the mental capacity to be aware she's being shut out. NTA.
Merkaba_Crystal wrote:
You both need to take out life insurance policies on yourselves to provide for your daughter when you both are no longer here.
OP responded:
Who’s to say we don’t? That has zero to do with this.
LadyBladeWarAngel wrote:
I think the commentary was just trying to give solid advice. You wouldn't believe how many people have kids with severe disabilities, and don't actually have a plan for once they're gone. That or they plan their other child will look after them. It's actually very sad.
OP responded:
While I appreciate that, it’s already settled (we both have large life insurance policies where a trust overseen by my sister is in place for our daughter) and has nothing to do with the post at hand.
Little_Penguin13 wrote:
I hope he got his DNA tested to make sure whatever your daughter’s conditions are aren't hereditary and he's not the carrier.
But I highly doubt it. NTA.
OP responded:
They aren’t hereditary. They came from her being born premature.
Lunar-Eclipse0204 wrote:
NTA - it's the truth and honestly Callie is the one in the wrong, If Nicole is with them and needs to be somewhere then her father had better take her and Callie can deal with the baby!
Efficient_Wheel_6333 wrote:
NTA. I'd go to the lawyer who originally handled the divorce if you had one and basically tell them what's going on. Say you want an increase in child support if you're getting it for your ex being more hands-off OR your ex continues giving the same amount of care.
Once it gets before a judge, tell them the same thing you told us and the lawyer and that it's non-negotiable. More money or your ex's involvement remains the same, up to your ex and the judge.
TissueOfLies wrote:
NTA. Your ex and Callie sound like immature and thoughtless people. I’d prepare to be Nicole’s main caretaker. Hopefully it doesn’t come to this, but it’s best to not be caught off guard if your ex decides to not take care of Nicole.
pensaha wrote:
You go Mama Bear! Once he wanted to lessen the visits, that was time to make them zero from a Mama Bear point of view. As Callie has shown she isn’t warmed to your child. And he has shown Nicole has become less of a priority. He probably told his current that you said what she claims you said to him.
Truly though, if Nicole wants to see her dad, then less visits would be better than none. Nicole’s feelings come first. Her well being is first. You know she is getting the shaft but hopefully she won’t.
FrostyIcePrincess wrote:
I’d feel bad for Nicole though if her dad just leaves her life though since you said Nicole lives with them half the time. She’s 13. Definitely old enough to know that she used to see dad a lot and now suddenly he’s never around. Maybe it turns into 60/40 custody or something, but I hope he stays in her life even if it is less than it was originally.