Woman freaks out at BF; 'Are you secretly recording our arguments?!' AITA?

"AITA for being scared that my boyfriend is secretly recording our arguments?"

Very confused. I was in a miscommunication-to-argument back and forth with my boyfriend involving his job. I started by asking him about progress he’s making on a project he’s working on. I asked, “how much is left?”

He replies with something along the lines of, “a lot but I’m stuck on x (ambiguous for privacy)”. I say “well can you move to another part for now?” Instead of answering that directly he gave me a very sass-charged reply: “well there’s no point because I’m not about to turn in unfinished work”.

Me, acknowledging his sass, I got short and said “you know what I’m asking you, I never said turn it in unfinished I’m saying can you move to another part for now?” I guess I either got too loud in my reply to him, or too short- because now frustrated he said “alright I’m recording this.”

This completely shocked me. A convo that lasted less than a minute escalated quickly, and he’s never said anything like this before. Wtf? this was just a casual work conversation, that ramped up almost instantly to a threat of recording me.

It almost feels like context is missing when I repeat the convo back to myself. But that was it. context I think I could include to inform this lovely audience, is that we’ve argued in the past month about his time management getting in the way of our personal time.

He is working to the point where he is impacting his own health due to lack of sleep. besides my own selfish reasons of wanting to hang out with my boyfriend lol, he’s literally hurting his own body with his time management.

I take ownership of getting short about it. That’s what makes me frustrated. He knows his time management is an issue, because we’ve discussed it before. I think that he felt cornered by my questions because he knows how I feel about our lack of personal time together. He probably felt defensive? But recording me? Why? What is the recording for?

This genuinely makes me fearful to speak around him. I’ve been in abusive situations where I’ve had to record my alcoholic ex berating me because he would never remember in the morning, but this is nowhere near that level. This makes me think that 1.

He’s done it before and 2. He’s speaking to someone about me to show them later. Is he confiding in someone about me? Is he building a narrative that I can’t see?

I’ve expressed to him I am fearful now, and he’s said there’s nothing to be afraid of and he only said this to “show me how I sound”. But, I don’t trust that. He’s violated my trust before, and it also had to do with him using his phone in ways that I wasn’t aware of (if you catch my drift).

I’ve worked so hard to learn to trust him again, but this feels very violating. I feel like I’m going to be looking over my shoulder at all times or looking to see where his phone is if I bring up something I need to discuss with him.

Idk if this is the right sub for this but any insight is appreciated. I can clarify/add details if you need more context. Tysm.

Let's see what readers had to say:

feslty writes:

Honestly that sounds really unsettling. its understandable to feel scared when trust is broken. communication should feel safe not scary. maybe you need to talk to him about this in a calm moment.

if he truly cares he should work on earning your trust back. dont doubt your feelings they are valid but it might take some time to get to the bottom of this situation.

thinfetat writes:

NAH. You both have issues you need to have an actual conversation about, but nobody is the asshole here. Have that conversation on camera, then watch it back together.

It can help both of you recognize where the miscommunication is happening in your relationship, so long as you both are open to the idea of being wrong. Edit: forgot two words.

agju writes:

You two don't sound like you're very good together. Maybe he needs more time to figure his stuff out by himself or with a mentor, not more pressure and directives from you. You don't get to decide how he feels about the way your conversations go.

I don't think it makes sense to fear he's been secretly recording you, since he flat out said he was about to. And if he is recording you, either don't talk to him anymore or don't say things you're afraid of hearing again later.

This isn't working. The least AH thing to do is walk away. ESH.

mamothe6 writes:

NTA! Randomly recording you is a gross breach of privacy that you honestly really shouldn’t tolerate. I don’t blame you for losing trust in your partner, I would too.