'AITA for giving my GF an ultimatum? Go to therapy or I'm single again.' UPDATED
"AITA For Giving My Girlfriend An Ultimatum?"
I (21F) am in a relationship with Tyra (20F) we’ve been together for a year now. Tyra had a previous relationship where the woman she dated truly was not lesbian but since coming out was a new thing in our town, her ex just did it for some stupid trend. While they dated, Tyra’s ex was cheating with men which one of those flings became serious, ex-gf ended up spilling everything & left Tyra for him.
This left Tyra with some issues. I feel like her issues are to the point where she needs help.
I understand her pain, & done everything in my power to make her comfortable, I constantly show her off, buy expensive things for her, I allow her free roam to check my phone, when I’m out with friends & she needs me I’m there before we’re off the phone…I'd literally give the clothes off my back & the food out my mouth to this girl.
A week after our 1yr mark Tyra sat me down, I assumed it was because we’re planning to move in together. She started off really sweet to summarize she said her feelings were strong & she could see us spending the rest of our lives together BUT she has some rules which will make her feel “comfortable & secure” Here’s the rules:
She wants me to FaceTime her every time I’m “supposedly” on break at work
I can’t have any guy friends
I can’t hang out with any of my family friends who are men. INCLUDING my childhood bestfriend (Literally since diapers, our families are immigrants since they’re Asian & we’re African, our cultures have some similarities so our families practically merged when the elders met after landing in the US. Cutting contact with him would rain hell on me, plus he’s my brother I’d never hurt him like that)
Lastly, unless the guy friend is gay or trans I can’t chill with them…she also needs proof they’re actually gay (????)
I looked at her with a dead face, & I said “No…If isolating myself from guys in general & my family makes you feel secure then I guess you won’t feel secure Tyra, do what you need with that information” then I left.
I didn’t see her for two days after that, during that time her mom & sisters called me try to get me to “see from her point of view” I told them they were stupid for enabling her “pOiNt oF vIeW." Tyra asked for us to talk a while after, I told her we could text as I’m pretty hurt & don’t want to see her face. This is exactly what I said:
“You have no right to control me or what I do, I am not your ex I have been dating women since I was 15. We’ve been together for a year now, aren’t I trustworthy? Have I ever let you down or disappointed you?
Now I have one rule…You get therapy, & I’m not bluffing when I say just as fast as you say no…I will have tinder downloaded & my Facebook status back to single” I also told her she didn’t have to respond right away, I’d give her some time to herself.
Tyra is now making posts about “Unfaithful people” (I’ve never cheated on ANYONE so I don’t know who that’s for), partners who aren’t focused on making their partner comfortable (I’ve done enough), there so much more too.
She hasn’t responded to the message still because everyone knows I don’t bluff. My family is on my side, after the whole thing about cutting contact with my bestfriend they don’t like her now & want me to break up with her…I’m leaning towards that.
However, I guess she’s told some of her friends because they’re harassing me. They said partners don’t give ultimatums to each other & if I actually cared for her I’d just go along with everything & give her some time to heal, with time everything will get better.
One of them even said I must be talking to a guy on the side because I wouldn’t be going “so hard” about this. I think I’m just standing up for myself, I’ve never been in a relationship where someone has past relationships that were so bad so I don’t know if I’m just being insensitive. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
mdthomas said:
What Tyra wants is abusive. Sorry you're single now. NTA.
Carolinamama2015 said:
Send her one last message. "Since you can't be mature enough to not sick your friends on me, you aren't mature enough for me. I'm done." NTA BTW.
Ok-Profession-9372 said:
NTA and while I generally hate ultimatums, yours was very reasonable. This is a hill worth dying on I'm afraid.
Big_Noise6833 said:
NTA Break up. Now she wants to cut out your male friends because her ex cheated, then she will want you to cut out you female friends because you are a lesbian. She is isolating you. GTFO.
_legacyfx said:
She’s insecure, controlling and manipulative. You’re better off, you know this. This has reached the point of no return. You’ll find someone better who won’t unload their trauma on to you."
Dizzy_Emotion7381 said:
NTA. Ask her friends why it's OK for her to give you ultimatums then! Just nope out of this! A lot of people have been cheated on, but her list is extreme. She needs therapy.
UPDATE:
The day after I posted, I took some of your advices to help me break things off with Tyra. I texted her, informed her that due to the post she made we were not fit for eachother…I also added that I loved her & hope she still goes through therapy to help with future relationships.
My mom & I had a talk, she decided it would be best for her to give Tyra her things just to ensure nothing turned for the worse(My mom house is actually a family home that all my bestfriend & my elders live in together so she felt it was better if Tyra got physical) I texted Tyra one last time telling her she could pick the few things she’d left over the year at my moms place & my mom would be there to hand it off to her.
I blocked her after because she begin to blow my phone up, calling more times than I can count. The next day in the evening my mom called me when Tyra came to pick up her stuff, I heard some screaming from Tyra she was yelling that my moms the reason I was breaking things off which is not true.
My mom listened to me & ignored her, sat the stuff down & went back in the house locking the door behind her, she legit started banging on the door & sat outside the house for 30 minutes saying she wasn’t leaving till she talked to me because “none of this is like (My name)."
My mom called the cops, they got her off the property & told her if she came back that would be trespassing so they’d have to arrest her. From what my friends have shown me Tyra is on a rampage (Facebook Lives & several posts about me).
She even found my first post on here & made a post about me telling people who have “nothing to do with our relationship”. She’s been deleting comments where people are telling her she needs to stop.
Tyra has made some threats concerning my life, but my uncle is a veteran & has good connections with our local police station as well as some connections with judges who have said if she tries anything even stalking my place or my job it’ll be grounds to get a restraining order
If she goes against that then there’ll be legal consequences. As of right now my friends have kept her on Facebook & just take screenshots of any concerning post in case I need them.
Oh & I also was contacted by Tyra’s ex, she seen the drama on Facebook, a post my friend made(Just talking about Tyra’s past relationship) caught her eye…Turns out she never cheated, she broke up with Tyra due to her abuse, you guys were right…with her ex, she first started off with cutting off guys, then women, & after a while she started isolating her from friends/family.
Ex started dating other people but Tyra made a lie that they were still dating when she started seeing others…She’s bisexual, whadda know Tyra is just crazy.(I’ve been given permission to share this). Again Thank you to everyone for the advice, I appreciate it deeply, I hope life gives the best it has to offer to all of you!
Here's what top commenters had to say about the update:
HistorySweet9902 said:
How are her fiends and parents not seeing how crazy she’s acting?! She needs profesional help, and help now before she does something crazy.
cassowary32 said:
I'm glad you have the support of sane people in your life. Her demands were so full of red flags. I'm impressed that your initial reaction was "Heck no." You might want to unblock her (but not respond) so you have a record of her threats. Also, read the Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.
What she's doing is called an Extinction Level Event, a huge reaction to her loss of control. Hopefully she burns out soon after getting no response from you.
Plus_Data_1099 said:
Luckily she showed her true colours before you moved in together or got married you have a had a very lucky escape it will be hard but stay strong and good luck for your future.