Woman has 'come to Jesus moment,' calls off her wedding to man with 'deep mommy issues.' AITA?
"AITA for having a come to Jesus moment and calling off my wedding?"
31f. I have no idea how or why I overlooked so many things throughout my 8 year relationship but yet, here we are. But I can't tell if I'm wrong for this. So.. last night I told my FH that I didn't know if I could go through with our wedding (in 2025). He's in shock, as am I. My fiancé treats me great. He's kind.
He matches my energy. He makes sure I'm taken care of in a material sense. He's handsome and smart and funny. He is and probably always will be, my best friend. But I'm just now starting to see how deep routed his mommy issues are, along with financial issues as well (impulse control - he basically acts like a pre-teen wanting a shiny new toy whenever he gets a paycheck).
I only just started to see how truly bad it was when we moved closer to his mom. A woman who had no hand in raising him. He was a ward of the state from age 8 to 17, when he went to live with his mother's family. He reconnected with his mother from that point. Since we have moved closer to her, he thinks the sun shines out of her ass and has defended her actions thoroughly.
She had the means to take care of him. But she ultimately decided she didn't want to be a parent anymore when he turned 8 and left him with some random stranger (one of her acquaintances) to go see her own mother out of state and just never came back. That's how he ended up in foster care. But she has him convinced that she was escaping an abusive relationship and it was the "only way to keep him safe". I argue that she could have brought him with her but ya know.
Anyways, since we now live right down the street from his mom, it's like he's reverted back to teenager years. He calls his mom before making any important decisions and follows her advice instead of mine - even if it's most certainly the wrong choice that affects both of us. He started sending all of his packages to her house as well, which gives her an excuse to show up here whenever she wants to unannounced and he sees no issue with this open door policy.
She doesn't even knock. She just opens the door like she owns the place and rummages our fridge or drinks all of our coffee. Since we moved here he has been on Facebook marketplace daily, looking for new things to buy himself. And like.. his mom enables it so bad. If I say "that's an irresponsible purchase", she will double down and say "well I think you deserve it hunny. You work hard. Treat yourself to something nice."
He has borrowed money from her twice (like $20 for gas) and he always pays her back $50 to $100. And despite him treating me the same and still going out of his way to make me happy, I'm starting to become repulsed by him.
Now before anyone mentions it, I have brought this up to him. I've tried communicating several times that his behavior is affecting both of us and while I understand he's happy to have his mother in his life again, her presence is making him act childish and he is regressing because of her. He will say "I understand what you mean" and do much better for a week or two, just to slowly sink back in to it. So I called off the wedding last night.
I told him that I couldn't go through with marrying him because I couldn't handle his behavior anymore. I didn't sign up to marry a man with deep routed mommy issues who makes decisions with mommies go ahead that directly affect me. I told him I would be moving. He's now saying he will go no contact with his mother and that he's sorry but I told him the damage is already done and I can't morally allow him to go no contact with his mom for my sake.
I told him there are plenty of women who won't mind this and that I'm sure he will find someone who doesn't mind his mother but I personally hate the bitch and don't want her near me or mine. He's been sulking, understandably, since I called everything off and begging me to reconsider. But I don't think I can. I have never been more turned off in my life and I'm not sure I can ever look at him the same OR chance that woman being in my life under any circumstances because she's toxic and he acts toxic when she's around.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
LLJKSiLk said:
NTA. Be grateful that you figured this out before marriage.
Cursd818 said:
NTA. I called off an engagement because my ex's mother was too involved in our lives. I have never once regretted it. I went on to marry a wonderful man, and get on spectacularly with his mother, who is truly lovely and shows me and our marriage so much respect that we want to include her in our lives. Last I heard, my ex and his mother are still deeply enmeshed, both are unhappy (him because no woman sticks around, her because no grandchildren for her to steal), and despite it being over ten years, literally nothing has changed.
You're making the right choice. He is the one who is inviting her to be this involved in his life, and he will continue with that until he has a lot of therapy - which he doesn't think he needs. You will always be a third wheel to their dynamic. Save yourself a lifetime of being disrespected and overruled. You'll be amazed at how quickly you find your life to be 200% better single than it ever was in this relationship. And when you find a partner who respects you, with a family who enrich your life, you'll never look back!
DVIGRVT said:
NTA. And I'm glad you didn't accept his offer to cut off his mother entirely... that would've ended up fraught with resentment later in life.
KatherineMonroe said:
NTA. Not at all. Hugs and high fives for realizing this before the wedding, for being honest and communicative, and holding firm to your boundaries!
Bakecrazy said:
NTA. good for you, I can guarantee he moves in with her or she moves in as soon as a month after you move out.
Simple_Tricky said:
NTA and it’s better to figure this out before you get married. You’ll be better off without him and his mommy.