'AITA flipping out on my fiance for completely changing the wedding menu behind my back?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA flipping out on my fiance for completely changing the wedding menu behind my back?"

My fiance (31 male) and I (25 female) are getting married soon. There wasn't much that disagreed on during the wedding planning except for food.

Me and my family are vegans, and there so many reasons why we chose this lifestyle and one of them being that we have a history of health issues. My fiance and his family are the complete opposite. they're hardcore meat eaters which is fine by me obviously.

However, When deciding on the wedding food menu, I wanted to add 4-5 vegan options. My fiance and his mom objected saying it was a waste of money over food that 'isn't real food'.

They also argued that this would be offensive for 'their' guests and suggested my vegan options just be "the good ol' salads & appetizers" (his mom wanted cupcakes lol). I said no because for one it's me and my family who's paying.

and two I want to make my guests feel welcome and not be treated as second class citizens by being served "salad". my fiance made a face and said "isn't that what vegans eat?". I refused to argue about it and said it was final.

The other day, I found out that he had cancelled all the vegan options and took them off the menu completely and behind my back. I was seething. I called him at work but he kept hanging up on me. I went straight to his workplace and confronted him there and just flipped out on him.

He was stunned to see me. He at first said it was his mom's idea then told me to go home because I was making a scene at the office. the fight continued at home and he defended himself by saying that I sort of made him resort to doing this after I kept brushing off his thoughs and input, and refusing to accommadate his family.

but there were PLENTY of meat options why why can't I get 4-5 vegan options? when I'm paying for it?. He yelled that it was his wedding too not my family's. My family said it was fine and they'll figure it out and told me to let it go but I refused. AITA for putting my foot down on this?

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

kyraphim writes:

NTA. As someone who has been vegan/vegetarian for 15 years and very familiar with this kind of hostility from meat eaters, I beg of you to seriously reconsider your relationship.

His family is one thing, but if he's so flippant about your lifestyle and makes comments about it not being real food, it means he doesn't respect you. Especially if he's doing shit like this behind your back.

Doesn't seem like he's trustworthy. He sounds like the type of person that would intentionally feed you non vegan things because he thinks it's funny and would teach you a lesson.

copperman writes:

NTA. Is your fiancé always this disrespectful to you and your family? I’m sure he knows your reasons for being vegan and he still went ahead and made the choice to exclude you and your family at your own wedding while you are footing the bill. OP, this seems indicative of the type of treatment you should expect after the wedding.

Complete disregard for your needs, your HEALTH, your choices, and your happiness as well as the willingness to withhold the truth from you. It seems like a big red flag to me, OP. You should reconsider going forward with this marriage to a man who is already demonstrating this level of entitlement and disregard for you.

garaty writes:

ESH only because OP showed up to his workplace to yell at him. Regardless of the situation, creating drama that could potentially impact his financial security is not okay. Otherwise NTA. OP is paying for it so fiancé has no right to cancel the order. It does seem like his mother is enmeshed.

He should be listening to OP’s requests about her food limitations and be respectful to her and her family. Also love OP’s family for being so nice and being flexible about food. I assume they will go out before, after or have to order their own food.

Esp when OP is paying for the food it’s sad that her family will have to find other options. Op asking for information: Can you call the catering service and reorder and then put yourself as the contact not your fiancé or his mother?

bigrpe writes:

ESH. How in the world are you getting married to a man who doesn't respect your diet? I mean seriously, how did your relationship progress to this point? Was he always dismissive of your food choices? Did he somehow hold his tongue until it got to the wedding?

I say ESH, because how did you let it get to this point without noticing? Also, why are you not saying, "You know, I don't think you're the right guy for me". He doesn't have to be a vegan, but he damn sure better respect your choice to be one.

It doesn't seem like he is willing to even pretend to respect that. You're seeing right now what your marriage is going to be like.

And to be clear, you're being an A H to yourself to put up with this. You deserve better, stop mistreating yourself by allowing others to mistreat you.

mmilseoveh writes:

Nta that’s messed up, I will say using I’m paying for whole thing can be a tough response. As it is his wedding too and you guys have to decide together, not with this food thing that’s fd up on him. It’s like telling a stay at home spouse that cause you make all the money it’s your decision. but I’m just curious what’s the eating situation?

You guys sound like your spending way too much on different food options. Usually appetizers there’s like 4 in total and main course there’s 3. Are these appetizers or main dishes? It’s your wedding do whatever but you guys should try to lower the amount if u have 5 vegan options plus the meat options, which idk how many that is.

Unless it’s buffet style, but my sister did a buffet with like 6 things in total, people barely eat at weddings. From my experience too many options lead to wasted money and food. Just curious cause there’s other comments that’ll say why he’s the asshole better then me.

knownabitm7 writes:

NTA. Do you want to be with someone that doesn’t respect you or your family? Because that’s exactly what this is. He would rather have you and your family barely have anything to eat at your wedding.

What the f. Him and his family aren’t the only people present. And as you being one of the people getting married, you should be able to have at least one proper dish that you can eat. Not an appetiser or a salad. An actual dish.

You cannot be with someone that disrespects and hurts you like that. If he respected you, he wouldn’t have gotten rid of those options behind your back. He would’ve accepted that you and your family also need to eat.

Your family is only saying that it’s fine and that they will figure it out because they want to support you. But it’s not fine. They should be able to eat at your wedding and not be uncomfortable because the groom didn’t want there to be options for them to eat. Again, NTA.

And now, OP's update:

So his mom messaged me earlier to try to get me to listen to what she had to say after I kept ignoring her phonecalls. She spent long walls of text just to "address" what I did at her son's workplace, calling it all kinds of stuff from immature to unhinged.

She then went to explain how she's noticed that me and my family kept "acting dismissive" of her son's input and "contributations" to the wedding. She said that she noticed my behavior towards him and her entire family and wanted to speak up earlier but didn't and tried to keep the peace.

She then went on to address the food menu issue and denied her involvement in the cancellation of the vegan option but that didn't mean she doesn't support her son's decision. moreover, she thought it was soooo responsible of him to make that move because of my continual refusal to see how this stuff is waste of money.

she also pointed out how I kept saying "I paid for it" and said that technically this isn't just my money, it's mine and his because we're getting married she suggested I wisen up and get rid of "my money, I paid for it" mentality.

She finally mentioned how "bad" this whole situation is making me look, and said that she and her son had already offered a number of compromises that I chose to brush off and decided to make it my "weird" hill to die on.

She said that not only her son is upset but she and "the family" are as well after hearing about it and suggested I just agrre on their compromise and be done with it.

This pissed me off beyond belief I responded by letting her know that I'm still standing my ground on this even if I'll have to call the whole wedding off because of it because honestly? this is just ridiculous, it is!!! my mom and dad....they don't even know what to say anymore.

Apparently, my fiance saw my response to her (he's with her) and is now trying to call me but right now I'm waiting on him to get home and see if he's still insisting on the stance he took. I'll update if there's anything worth adding after we talk.

Later OP came back with a second update:

So, the talk didn't go well. I waited for him to come home so we could have a final conversation about it "but" he still insisted on his stance.

for more details, his family are a bit on the heavy side (most of them are obese). Nothing wrong with that, they're perfectly within their right to decide how to live but they get "easily offended" at the mention of the words "weight" & "food".

I tried so hard to focus on the issue at hand, but I noticed there was a pattern of this behavior. he said it wasn't true, and that this was just an attempt for me to throw past conflicts at him in order to win the current one.

he claimed he tried to reason with me about why and how his guests might see those vegan options as "offensive", also said that his family love food and consider it a "big deal", and how he didn't want his family to feel like there's certain options that they "couldn't touch" and feel that there's "difference in how I treat them vs how I treat my family"

he then went on to explain how it's just an event and how my family should just accept what's on the menu and if they felt "inconvinience" so what? it's just a one time thing, they're not gonna die if they "had salad and appetizers". What he said wasn't good enough reason for me cause his folks are gonna think & say what they want, but at the end of the day it's my wedding!!!.

and to be honest, realizing that my partner himself thinks it's okay to steamroll my opinions and decisions simply because..he's prioritizing others and their opinions over me was really upsetting and not something that could be looked past.

normally, I'm a person of rational discussions and compromises...I'm ALL about compromises, I'd compromised on much bigger matters than just food but like people said....it's not about the food anymore (if it ever was!!)like...he'd literally lose nothing if he let me have what I wanted but apparently, he was willing to lose it all over this which's fine by me.

I gave him back the ring and called everything off. I just couldn't envision myself living like this any longer..having to walk on eggshells for his family and letting him basically override my opinions and have the final say nomatter what. marriage is about compromise and here he has nothing to lose yet chose to do this to me and my family.

mind you this is my first serious relationship and I didn't know what to expect, but it's safe to say that he and his mom and FAMILY did make it feel like I was taking crazy pills on many many ocassions so that's that. Last thing he said was that I chose my family over him and ended everything between for the sake of "keeping 'em happy". Decision's been made and it's done.

Just wanted to give an update to those who wanted it. thank you so much for your endless stream of advice and support.