Woman's husband blows savings on 'dirty things' after she births miracle baby. 'I'm forced to use the food pantry.' AITA? MAJOR UPDATES.
When this woman is shocked at the way her husband reacts to having a baby, she asks Reddit:
"Husband spends money on dirty things while I have to use the food pantry to feed our baby. AITA?"
Me (25F) and my husband (25M) had a baby in October of 2022. We live in a cabin just outside a small tourist trap town. It’s my dream home, although it needs a lot of work.
Some background for you: My husband and I do not have the same health insurance. When I gave birth to my son, the insurance company refused to cover my baby and we we’re responsible for nearly $20,000 worth of medical bills.
I had an emergency C-section and he had some small complications but was doing great shortly after and is healthy as a horse now. I had no income. I had preeclampsia and had to stay at home for the last month of my pregnancy and had gotten my job when I was a few months pregnant.
I wasn’t there long enough to make FMLA, so I was let go since I didn’t have any paid time off to be leaving before the baby was born. Yes I know it sounds unfair, but it worked out to be their only option for the small company I worked for.
About two months before I gave birth, our childcare option fell through and we couldn’t afford traditional daycare. I have a chronic illness that caused some piling up of medical dept I was paying on monthly and it ate up every spare penny we had.
After giving birth and receiving the large medical bill, I had no choice but to find someone to watch the baby so I could go to work. My mother decided to retire and take care of the baby.
I was working three jobs and was still responsible for the baby (obviously), cleaning the house and making sure meals were made for everyone, including packing my husbands lunch.
There was absolutely no money left for groceries or personal products. I had to use the only food pantry I could get to and it only offers food once a month. I would make it last the entire month.
I would go so long without eating, I could no longer breastfeed and had to ask for partial cans of formula from moms in the community whose babies wouldn’t take it or they had switched to milk and had some leftover. It was so embarrassing.
But, while sorting mail on a Friday night, I came across what I assumed to be a duplicate medical bill and was going to throw it away when I decided to open it. It was a check in my name for $1000 and change. It was a refund for some medical bills that the insurance decided to pay.
I ran upstairs and woke my husband up with joy that for the very first time, we’d be able to pay or mortgage without having to choose to have electricity or gas for the car. It was amazing.
The following Sunday, I was sorting more mail and made a promise to myself to never ever throw away mail without opening it. I picked up a bank statement and put it in the throw away pile, but thought to myself about my promise. I decided to open it just in case.
That’s when I found it. Hundreds of dollars being sent to people I’ve never heard of. I thought “someone’s stolen my husbands debit card information”….but then I looked up at him, sitting in his arm chair, and realized, no one stole his card, he’s been throwing away money the worst possible thing...on other women.
I asked him if he needed to tell me anything and he said “no?” And I said “I’m looking at the bank statement and can see everything you’ve spent money on. Are you sure there’s nothing you’d like to tell me?” And he assured me there wasn’t. I folded it back up and walked upstairs.
He looked at the statement and came up and stood in front of me. Now, I’d like to take this time to share that for 4 years I had begged him for intimacy, but rarely got it. It’s a miracle that our baby was made.
I was completely available and begged him for it, but was rejected. I won’t lie, having a baby destroyed my body. But, I’m not heavily overweight, only about 10 pounds more than I weighed before I was pregnant.
He had been paying women from the internet for sex with money that could’ve been used for groceries, soap, baby supplies and other needs. Instead, he had been throwing it away on other women, far better looking than me.
We went to therapy a few times. He has no idea how much I hate myself. I smashed the bathroom mirror when I found out because I couldn’t bare to look at myself. I am so hideous that he can’t touch me. And now, after what I know, I can’t be naked longer than a quick shower.
Even that is awful. I hate myself. He has destroyed me. My parents are on his side. I called my mom to ask if I could stay with her for a while and she said no. She went as far as to drive me in her car a few weeks after I told her what happened and told me it was my fault and if I were a better wife, it wouldn’t have happened.
At this point, it’s been about a month and a half since I found out and I feel nothing for him. I’m stuck with him because I have nowhere to go. I’ve worked my ass off for this house and can’t afford it by myself. We can barely afford it together. He just got a massive raise and now we are able to save back a little money.
But I don’t love him anymore. He’s just a roommate. Since finding out, the few farm animals I had have died unexpectedly due to a few reasons. One of my goats was 10 years old and passed due to old age, my baby goat passed shortly after and I have no idea why.
She was so well cared for. My chickens got eaten by a coyote. I have lost everything I love except for my son. My animals were my source of happiness. I’d worked so hard to have a farm and to care for them the very best I could. I have no one to share this with, but it feels so good to get it off my chest.
Thank you for your time and I hope that anyone who reads this is happy and doing better than I am.
Before we give you OP's major updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
anonisrap writes:
I promise you that you are not hideous. What you do is MORE than enough. People like him will never be satisfied. He let you starve to give hundreds to another…it’s sickening. If you were a worse mother he would be starving your child too, but that hasn’t happened as you make sure your child is provided for.
I am so sorry to hear about your animals, but this gives you an out. You need to get out of there and restart somewhere new. There is no reason to stay other than you love the house, but a house is not worth your sanity.
Three jobs, a child, a house, and you care for a husband. You will go insane. You are not eating and the amount of work you do without any help is bound to drive anyone into insanity.
I am not including your mother as help, because she is detrimental to your well-being as well. I cannot fathom saying that to another person, especially a DAUGHTER. Your mother is terrible, even if she provides childcare.
God forbid if something were to happen to you, do you really think he’d care for your child? He let you choose between electricity or gas (necessities). He let you ask people for left-over formula because you couldn’t afford it.
If you were out of the picture, who would stop him from sending everything to this person? He let you struggle for FORMULA he does not care about your kid.
Those thoughts you have about yourself are due to his infidelity. 10lbs of baby weight is NOTHING. He should love those scars on your body as they came from his kid. There is nothing that you could do that wouldn’t lead to this. Absolutely nothing. You provide EVERYTHING for him to want anything more is inherently greedy.
I know it’s hard to pick-up and go, but please take the advice of many on here and start planning your exit route. Start a separate bank account and put whatever money you can save in.
Do NOT ever let him know about this bank account. However, do let him know that you have full access to his bank statements every month, hell every week, starting now.
He needs to start paying back what he robbed your family of. If it were me I would demand the same amount he spent put into the joint family account; with a no-withdrawal rule. He starved your family for this, he can reap the consequences.
He is destroying you. He is robbing you. He is robbing you and your family. You deserve so much more than this. This post has brought me so much pain. I am so sorry.
pupumaja writes:
I don’t mean to come off as cruel and I hope it does not seem that way. But I will tell you what you are doing wrong. You are not respecting yourself and you are not valuing yourself.
You need to work on letting go of all of this self hatred that you harbor. You should never feel disgusted with the way you look. You are a strong and beautiful woman who has created life.
Everyone’s body undergoes changes. You could have had a horrible accident that melted your skin and you would still be beautiful and deserving of love. Your extremely low self esteem and self worth is the bane of your existence right now and has been for a long time.
It sounds like you have carried this entire relationship. You have done nothing but give and give and why? Why don’t you feel deserving of someone who gives to you? What is the relationship of your dreams?
That is the relationship you deserve. And if it does not fulfill your dreams, then you need to be single. No one has to be in a relationship. And no one should be exploited in their relationship.
You need to stop, take steps back, and don’t give a damn thing to anyone who doesn’t completely deserve it because they are giving the same back to you. You have been digging yourself a hole. Your partner sucks ass but you know what, so many people do.
And they will find people like you and just kick back and get taken care of and be their ultimate final form of their most absolute shit self because you will allow it because of your inability to see your own self worth.
Isn’t it easy to just be a useless piece of shit all the time and have a beautiful wife doting on you and cooking your every meal professional chef level and cleaning your every mess?
This guy has it made all because you haven’t been able to wake up and see your value and tell him to eat shit. It’s never too late to do that, my friend. You can be free. If you’ve made it this far against all of these odds, you can get out and give all of that love and devotion to yourself and your child. Best of luck.
prettypex writes:
It’s not your fault. You didn’t cause this. Do what you have to do to get by. Reach out to the hospital and doctors and apply for financial aid. You’ll have to check your state, but in some states you can considered separated even when you live in the same house as long as you aren’t sleeping together.
that will help you get financial aid and they can write it off for tax purposes. If you put that your income is $0 and your marital status is separated, you should be able to get help. It isn’t you.
10 pounds more than you were at pregnancy isn’t a big deal. The fact that he was spending money on dec workers instead of feeding his family is disgusting and unforgivable. Do whatever you have to do to get by until you’re comfortable on your own. You can do this.
cezzy1201 writes:
Your husband has some severe issues, and so does your mother. You are beautiful, and your scars from pregnancy just tell you that you went through so much and now have a beautiful boy too.
Please focus on yourself and your son and maybe set up a bank account and save to get out. It’ll be hard starting over but you can find someone who will tell you you’re beautiful every day and give you the intimacy and love you deserve, who will also love your son like he’s his own.
You deserve the world, don’t let him make you think you are unworthy of that <3 be safe and take care of yourself lovely.
seapickle writes:
How on earth could your parents, after finding out what he’s been disgustedly doing, be ok with that and take his side. Also, the fact that you were scrabbling for food for you and baby, even going without eating to the point you couldn’t even produce milk for his son, they’re ok with that too.
Shame On Them, (telling you it’s your own fault) and anyone else that took his side!!! The damage he’s done is unforgivable in my opinion, especially how he’s made you feel about your own self worth - mentally and physically.
It’s easy to understand how you’ve lost all feelings for him. I’m hoping that you’ll be able to begin stashing some money away and have an exit plan to get away from this POS. I really hope only the best for you and your son.
tiktok writes:
OP, I am so sorry for you and your son. My heart breaks for you two!! I can’t imagine what you’re going through!! It sounds like you don’t really have a support system and I’m so so sorry about that and hope that changes.
It sounds like you are an amazing, capable, and responsible wife, mother, and worker. Your husband’s actions do NOT have anything to do with your looks. If you’re having a hard time accepting this about yourself, I’m sure you can probably find another couple (even maybe celebrity couples) where one of them who is beautiful was cheated on.
I know it can feel very personal, but I think your husband has god knows what issues (porn/sex addiction? I don’t know), but I think if you really cannot leave (and if you and your son are hopefully not being physically abused), as much as it sucks, it probably does make the most sense to try and stay a bit longer while you stockpile some money until you can figure out your next steps, but please please don’t be too hard on yourself.
I know how hard it is to struggle with self esteem issues and difficulties with your appearance but it is not the cause of his actions and I believe you and your son will be in a much better place with maybe even a better house and a better farm! But first you need to get out of this immediate crisis. Best of luck, OP
And now, OP's major updates:
Update 1:
He wasn’t this way until the day after we got married. And our child as much as I hate to say it, was an accident. I was told by multiple obgyns that due to my chronic illness, I’d never have children so he isn’t really supposed to exist.
But, he is a miracle and my favorite thing in the whole world. It’s just been this way for the past 4 years. It’s like saying “I do” changed something in him. He asked me to marry him. It was his idea, so if he didn’t want to be married, he shouldn’t have asked. He was a fantastic partner until the day after our wedding.
Idk what I did wrong. I cook every meal (I’m a full time chef in our tourist trap town), clean the whole house and take care of our baby. He doesn’t have to lift a finger at home. I just don’t know what I did wrong.
I have some baby weight, 10lbs of it, but I’m not super heavy. I had an emergency c-section so my scar is pretty nasty and I have stretch marks covering my stomach and thighs. I’m hideous undressed.
But I wasn’t before I got pregnant. I hate my life but I’m financially tied to him to the point that it would take me years to save up enough to leave, but I’m on my way there. I don’t have a car so I have to borrow his work truck to get to work and he drives his farm truck to work (I’m too short to reach the clutch).
So I can’t just drive away. I’ve saved up a few hundred dollars so far from my two part time jobs outside of the paycheck that goes into the joint account from my full time job.
Update 2:
I wasn’t supposed to have a baby. I have a chronic disease that was supposed to make me infertile. I had been to obgyns and a couple of surgeons because I wanted to a mom someday.
When I was told I’d never have children of my own, I was absolutely okay with that. There’s other options. Of course, I didn’t know this was happening until recently. I thought “just wait it out. He’s probably just stressed because of money. He will get his big raise soon and everything will be fine”.
And he did get the big raise a few weeks ago and all the financial hardship is over. But, now I realize the financial hardship was less because of income and instead was due to him throwing money away.
He seems sorry, but I just don’t feel anything for him anymore. Can you truly love someone and do this to them? Can you have both? I just don’t think he can. My baby was a complete surprise and a miracle.
I love him more than anything in the whole world. A was a gift that I don’t deserve. I’m so happy to be able to be able to provide for him now, but before the raise, it was embarrassing.
I honestly thought he wouldn’t touch me because he was stressed about money. Now I know better. Before I knew, I thought even though we were piss poor, that life was pretty good. Ignorance is bliss. I really wish I had never found out.
Update 3:
Yes. We’ve been going to therapy together and separately since the week after I found out. I do feel that he truly regrets what he did and he owns up to it. He tells me himself that’s it’s not my fault, but my mom says otherwise.
It’s hard to hear that from someone I’m supposed to be able to turn to for support. I’ve told him my biggest fear if I stay is that I’ve given him the tools to hide it better next time. He thought he would get away with it and he nearly did.
After his raise, I, for the first time in years have been able to buy us all the groceries and personal items we need. I’m afraid of losing that security. I’d love to hear from some people that have experienced this and have been able to move forward together. It might help me make a decision for myself to know if it’s truly possible or not.