Woman is baffled when FMIL accuses her of bullying; 'Your SIL's wedding is NOT your problem!'ADVICE NEEDED & UPDATED
"My FMIL Says that I "Terrify" My FSIL and Made FSIL change her wedding date. It's Making My FH & I Feel bad. Can you give me some advice?"
This is honestly the weirdest situation and neither of us know how to handle it. FH has a negligible relationship with his family, he sees them a couple times a year and has a quick phone call every few months, but nothing more.
I see them once a year for about an hour, but that's it. We barely have a relationship with any of them, but it's not bad blood so much as my FH just got tired of always being the one to visit, call, and make plans so he reeled back his effort and no one else put any effort in.
Our wedding is in February 2025, and we had the wedding entirely booked by February 2024. My fiance's brother proposed to his girlfriend in March 2024.
In April, my FH asked FBIL/FSIL if they had thought about wedding planning at all and they said that they planning to wait until 2026. FSIL was only 19 when they got engaged and they both said they wanted her to be 21 at their wedding and that's why they wanted to wait.
In May, FMIL sent a long, incoherent text that explicitly said that FBIL/FSIL's wedding was happening in November of 2024--less than 3 months before our wedding. FMIL did not answer the phone when we tried to ask about it.
We immediately started thinking about how rude it is to ask FH's whole extended family to travel for two brothers' weddings 3 months apart so close to the holiday season. We also felt hurt because we had already sent our Save the Dates and we felt like them planning their wedding to be 3 months before ours was purposefully to be first and it felt like such a snub.
After a couple days of stewing, and trying to contact his mother, FH calls FBIL&FSIL. He directly asks if they have thought any more about their wedding and they were so confused because they had just told him weeks before that they were waiting 2 years.
FH tells them that FMIL said that they were getting married this November and they had no idea what he was talking about.
FH reminded them that our wedding is in February and brought up that it would be really hard for certain relatives to travel to both weddings so close together and FBIL/FSIL totally understood that and confirmed that they had done absolutely no planning and were still planning on having the wedding in 2026. All is well.
Cut to this week. FH flies to visit his family and FMIL picks him up from the airport. In the car she tells him how everyone is so upset that I threw such a fit and demanded that FBIL/FSIL change their wedding date.
She tells him that they had to cancel things they booked. She tells him how FSIL is terrified of me and thinks I would sabotage her wedding out of spite for their wedding being first.
FH says that that really surprises him because when he talked to FBIL/FSIL they made it very clear that they hadn't planned anything because they were waiting until 2026. FMIL says "They just told you that so that they didn't make her [me] angry."
FBIL/FSIL did not seem like anything was wrong the entire visit. FH specifically asked about the November 2024 idea and FSIL made a comment like "Where do you keep coming up with November 2024, that has never been a thing???" so FSIL's either a great actor, or FMIL is full of shit. We're leaning toward FMIL being full of s.
FMIL seems to blame all of this on me even though I never spoke to FBIL/FSIL, and everything that FH said to them came directly from his own head. I didn't tell him to talk to them, I wasn't home when he called, and I've literally met FSIL three times and every single one of them lasted less than an hour.
I've never spoken to her privately, we don't follow each other on social media, we don't know each other. She has no reason to be scared of me. I feel like this is all FMIL's feelings that she's projecting onto FSIL, but I have no idea what to do about it.
I am looking for advice, but I'm really looking for advice to help understand what tf is happening and to help reframe our thoughts so that FH & I are less upset by this whole situation. I will not be talking to them and FH doesn't really want to talk to them, I'd just like to understand and be less angry about it.
Let's see what readers had to say about OP's dilemma:
naragaum suggests:
FMIL is the one with the issues with you. She could be trying to provoke a fight between all of you so that she can then have allies in her perceived war with you. She thinks you are behind your FH's reduced contact with them and that you pressured him to do it.
You need to talk to FSIL and FBIL about this. Send that text to FSIL and FBIL and explain to them that this is why you were asking about their wedding plans.
Tell them that you are only checking in with them because FMIL was the one claiming they are getting married in 2024 and only changed the date because they were "terrified" of you.
Let them know you are just trying to figure out what the hell is going on and that you suspect FMIL is trying to stir shit up.
Getting confirmation from them that they have never wanted to get married in 2024 is the only way you are going to feel less upset about the situation and by comparing notes you can all join forces against FMIL and reign her ass in.
henrybeallen writes:
FMIL is attempting to cause trouble between the siblings. If you don’t call it out it WILL continue. I don’t see why you would notice her bully behaviour and not say anything personally.
My best advice would be to be absolutely clear to her without a doubt that you know she’s telling a lie.
DH should be saying something along the lines of, “Mom, I have spoken to BIL and SIL on multiple occasions and they’ve made it known they’re not looking to get married until SIL is 21.
You’re telling me, and I’m sure others, that OP has scared them into changing the wedding date. That’s a lie. I’m confused as to why you would act like that? Please explain yourself.”
She wants him to believe her and not you. She doesn’t expect to get called out by him.
madepress writes:
Sounds like your MIL is triangulating to stay relevent pending the marriage of her children, and has targeted you as her preferred scapegoat.
Your DH should speak to BIL/SIL about this and plan to always check with each other when MIL makes it sound like someone has said or done something.
He can also set boundaries with MIL that neither of you will discuss BIL/SIL with her without them being present. Let them know that you are doing this and would prefer they do it as well, as you don't want MIL to talk about you when you are not present, either.
"There's been some miscommunication in the past, so we'll wait to ask SIl directly. We won't discuss them without them present. It's really rude to talk about them while they're not here, MIL." Redirevt and tell her no as many times each time until she stops or you have to leave the room/house frustration.
Don't worry about her targeting you so long as your DH is handling all communication and standing strong already - she can't use what you haven't said directly against you.
gripeeee writes:
Sounds like your MIL is triangulating to stay relevent pending the marriage of her children, and has targeted you as her preferred scapegoat.
Your DH should speak to BIL/SIL about this and plan to always check with each other when MIL makes it sound like someone has said or done something. He can also set boundaries with MIL that neither of you will discuss BIL/SIL with her without them being present.
Let them know that you are doing this and would prefer they do it as well, as you don't want MIL to talk about you when you are not present, either.
"There's been some miscommunication in the past, so we'll wait to ask SIl directly. We won't discuss them without them present. It's really rude to talk about them while they're not here, MIL." Redirevt and tell her no as many times each time until she stops or you have to leave the room/house frustration.
Don't worry about her targeting you so long as your DH is handling all communication and standing strong already - she can't use what you haven't said directly against you.
fsungarden writes:
Sounds like FMIL is trying to start something. I would let it go. If, in fact, they do plan to marry this fall, there is really not much time to plan. Ultimately, it is their decision anyway. But at least your save the date cards went out already. Ideally, you could get them in the same room and call FMIL out on her “story” but since you probably won’t see her, just let it go.
fath76 writes:
Can you conference call with everyone? Under the umbrella of making sure there was no miscommunication or hard feelings because you definitely want them to get married on their own timeline.
I think at this point even if they are trying to schedule in November you should just let it happen unless you’re willing to just let that whole side go. But if everyone is speaking together neither side can claim ignorance of the narrative.