Woman's marriage takes a dark turn after husband plays vicious prank; 'Our relationship has not been the same.' AITA? UPDATED 2X
When this woman is shocked by her husband's strange prank, she asks the internet:
"I didn’t react the right way to my husbands pranks and now our marriage is not the same. AITA?"
If you think we’re young then think again. I’m f35 and he’s m33 and I can’t believe this is really happening. I begged him to go to therapy with me but he’s refusing any type of conversation.
About a month ago while having Sunday breakfast. My husband left his iPad on the counter when I was doing the dishes and went to the gym (now I think about it he went out of his way to draw my attention to the iPad the whole morning placing it on display and leaving it wherever I was; now I know why).
While I was loading the dishwasher he got a text and a picture of naked female torso and “you miss this?”. The number belonged to “Eve”. I froze in my tracks. We’ve been married for 2 years and we have two children together m5 and f3.
Against my better judgment I started looking and there was this full conversation for over a week. He was cheating on me with this Eve.
I can’t describe the amount of pain I felt and I ran to the bathroom vomiting and crying, anyway when he got back from the gym and asked me what’s wrong I just handed him the iPad and told him that he has gotten a text from Eve and that I needed to go out for a walk if he could stay with the children.
He said okay. I went for a 3h walk. He texted me multiple times if I was okay and I said that I was fine, just needed the walk. I don’t remember crying this much my entire life.
When I got home I told him that I knew about his affair and asked him how we’re going to do this. “do what?”.
I told him that we obviously can’t stay married but that I needed to know how we’re going to do this with the least damage possible to the children. I told him that since he has his parents living near he could move out and let me stay with the children for now until we separated.
“Is that really all your reaction? Are you f-g serious right now??”
I just looked at him all puzzled. what did he mean by this?. I told him that I couldn’t discuss this now because I was exhausted. He started yelling that I was so careless and cold. My reaction to his infidelity wasn’t the proper reaction or at least not the one he expected.
He then shoved the IPad in my hands and asked me to call “eve”. I refused and ran to our room because I couldn’t believe how cruel he was being wanting me to call his mistress. “Fg call the number!!!!!”. I did. The number belonged to his friend and he was laughing on the other line saying it was all a prank.
It took me a few moments to get it but then I started crying. My husband was livid at the way I handled the prank. He was disappointed that I didn’t care enough. I don’t know what he wanted me to do. He couldn’t explain what he expected me to act. He just yelled that he didn’t expect this.
Now a month later he’s still so cold and distant with me. I tried to apologize and explain that I was hurt but shocked because that wasn’t him. I tried to explain that I just didn’t want to hurt our children.
I told him that I loved him so much and that if that was something true it would have broken me. It did for the few hours I believed the prank. He thinks I’m too cold and apathetic and my reaction was abnormal so now he’s cold and apathetic towards me. And I think this whole situation is abnormal.
Before we give you OP's udpates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
calebjc5 writes:
I've seen such 'Pranks' a lot on YouTube lately.. A prank is something both parties involved would laugh about. Any person with a hint of compassion and empathy towards their partner would know they couldn't laugh about this. It's not a prank.
Most of those f~d up Videos I've seen at least show the husbands come back immediately and clearing things up. Still insensitive and completely absurd and shitty, but not as fd up as your husband did, leaving you in the dark for hours on end.
Your reaction was the single most perfect reaction such a situation could provoke. You didn't snap, didn't beat him, didn't scream, but tried to be collected and sort things out in a clean way for your kids. That's honestly so much more than I would have been able to do in that situation. You deserve a medal here. Good on you.
Now to the reaction he would have wanted: He comes home and you flip on him, screaming and ugly crying, hurt how he could do this to you.
He'd then tell you it was all a prank, having you call his friend so both of them would laugh about it, and you, relieved would laugh too, or at least you would be in a 2v1 situation, so you had to calm down and go along.
Reading it right both your kids were at home. This would have been traumatising for them. Seeing how dad made mommy cry and then laughing at her while she tries to calm down.
Your husband was completely in considered of you and your children for this 'prank' he pulled there. And for what? A feeling of being wanted? The superiority of being able to break down with a single message? He planned this for over a week and not once did he consider you or your children there.
5. I can't tell you how to behave now. I couldn't keep up with his attitude towards you. If anyone you should be the one acting distant. You are the one being hurt. Not him.
You didn't have to apologise. You shouldn't have had to go through this devastation he's put you in.
Consider yourself, consider your children. Don't let something like this happen to them or you again.
Obviously your husband isn't able to see what he did to you, so as shitty as it is: You will have to remember that for him, unless you walk away with your head up high, because you definetly reacted in the single most perfect way anyone could. Take care.
thatnightjoe8 writes:
This is the comment I was looking for. I only have 1 thing to add: what if your kids become the 'right age' for him to pull these abusive pranks on them? He is already hurting them by hurting you, but it will only get worse.
You already know he's not above torturing someone he is supposed to love for his own entertainment and feeling loved & wanted. It's not a question of if he will also do this to your kids, but when... Same as it's not a question of if he will escalate his abuse, but when...
Lastly, don't forget: this wasn't a spur of the moment bad decision. He planned this for at least a week, as shown by the messages from his friend. He had at least a week to think about the impact this would have on you, your relationship and your kids. Also, he made you go through hell for hours.
If this was something he thought of that morning, made his friend send the messages and then immediately came back inside to tell you it was a prank and after seeing your reaction, he apologised: it would be dumb, but I could kinda see how he didn't expect to hurt you.
But he purposely made you go through hell all afternoon after planning this for at least a week, and he has the audacity to make YOU apologise for not being hurt enough?! So he was expecting to hurt you even MORE?!
You see that the goal was to hurt you, right? By his own admission? And he is the one acting wronged?! What are you apologising for, OP? Do you actually believe you did something wrong?
He purposely traumatised you, he altered your relationship forever, he eredicated any trust between you, he planned this with the ultimate goal to hurt you and he is refusing to even admit he f~d up, let alone apologise to you. Is that really the relationship you want to be in? The relationship you want to model to your kids?
Please see this for what it is: abuse. I would follow though with the original plan, because this might be even worse than cheating. Kick him out and definitely don't give him the chance to hurt your kids like this.
joepalms writes:
Damn. I wouldn’t have a, (pick a body part) anymore, if i tried to pull this BS. My wife and i are the same age as y’all. What was the reaction he expected? I’m genuinely curious, OP? The lack of respect he showed with this cruel joke, should be somewhat of a eye opener.
You two gotta work out whatever insecurity he is dealing with, over your marriage. I don’t see why he’s giving you the guff, unless he’s very unsure about where you two are at. Words are one thing, but feeling that heart splitting pain, of (un)confirmed infidelity, is a shock to your entire system.
Im really fascinated by his thought process. Either you drop to your knees and forgive; allow his new romance or…… what? I just don’t get it. The fact you can stay real and think logically, after this, is testament to your emotional maturity. Its a sick joke and its even dumber if its a tiktok trend or something.
If he loved you, its hard to see how. Love. Trust. Respect. All 3 things were violated in this act. I wish you good luck going forward, OP. He needs to know thats not ok to put anyone through, let alone YOUR WIFE. I would keep on trying to talk about it. I’m sure theres a deeper root to this, within him. Even if he wont tell you that.
pikksa writes:
I'm trying to say this as kindly as possible - I can understand that divorce is a difficult thing and he won't go to couples therapy, have you guys considered taking a "break" like one of you goes and stays with a parent or friend who might sympathetically understand it this situation? At least until something has been figured out.
It seems like separation of some kind is needed to really think through and understand what's really happening. I get that there are children involved as well but for yourself and your husband, it just seems to guys need a couple of days apart -
he needs to understand that it was a shitty prank and that there's no right or wrong reaction to these things and you need to understand that if he's getting mad at you for this, it doesn't seem like it's actually about you but more so his ego, again that is also something he has to figure out.
For you and your kids sake, it's better if he's not around for a few days while this is being figured out, your kids don't need to see you being disrespected this way nor do you deserve it. I am sorry you're going through this, it's a very cruel situation.
timedied writes:
How about you do a "leave with kids prank" on him and see how he reacts. Tell him you cant look at him the same and now there are constant doubts in your head about him.
You cant trust him and that your trust is broken etc. If his parents call, tell them that their son tried to prank you by pretend cheating etc etc and you have realized that you might want to reconsider the relationship if he thinks commitment is something trivial or something to joke about.
You could even draft some fake divorce papers with crazy demands, like the house, 60% of his income etc etc just to show him that if he cheated in reality and ya'll seperated than he would be fd. If he realizes the mistake he made, you can come back with the kids and say he played with fire and got played.
I broke up with my one of my ex's because she did a cheating prank on me, I thought it was sick to try and rile up someone's emotions to see how they react and when they are at their lowest, just say it was a prank to fix the state of affairs. It doesnt work like that.
Once the suspicion bug enters your brain it will either eat you up or eat the relationship up.
And now, OP's first update:
I don’t know why the apologizing part is being taken out of context making me out to be a weak woman with no self respect. I'm not apologizing nor begging. I apologized and not because I thought I did anything wrong but because he was hurt by my lack of emotions.
I explained to him that my lack of emotions came from shock and not indifference. He did not buy it and that’s where we are now.
Also the fact that I answered truthfully about my husband never acting this way before and was downvoted because of it. I’m not saying that because I’m being a victim of brainwashing but because that’s the truth.
I’m not defending him, I’m trying to be accurate in case someone actually wants to help me and need all the facts rather than just cast judgment based on their own experiences and assumptions.
This is the first time we hit a dead end (it seems) in our relationship. We have always been a loving couple and if I was a weak manipulated abused wife with low self respect I wouldn’t be planning separation and divorce the moment I thought he was cheating.
I won’t be engaging with the negativity anymore and I honestly regret opening up to strangers just to be attacked. I’m thankful for the support from the rest...
(the majority) but I hate the feeling that I need to agree with bullshit assumptions or I’m being “defensive” or “apologist”. I’m not deleting this post in case someone somewhere can benefit from it but I’m done here. Have a good day.
And now, OP's update:
Hi. I decided to make an update after all, mostly out of respect for all of the people reaching out asking for one.
I will make it private, however, because honestly, as much as I appreciate the enormous response, it became overwhelming for me. I couldn't read all the comments and the bad ones stuck with me more than I want to admit.
I never considered myself weak or stupid or as easily manipulated as I was portrayed. This morning, before my husband dropped off the children at daycare and the dogs at the dog center, I asked him to talk to me.
I told him that his treatment of me for the last month wasn't sustainable and that I have given him space long enough. But now he has to do something, talk to me, try to find a solution or set me free.
He asked me to meet up with him for lunch because we were both running late for work.
At lunch, he apologized for the prank and he said he couldn't believe that he went with it, and how stupid it was of him to think that it was harmless and playful.
He said that he had been feeling miserable about it, and so guilty, but that he has never felt so worthless in his entire life. I showed him how disposable he was to me, and how easily I could believe something this horrible about him, accept it, and make plans to move on within hours.
“Even if I have cheated on you, you showed no sign that you loved me enough to at least ask me why.”
If the roles were reversed, he would have been angry. He would have confronted me. He would have asked me why. Who the other man was. What it was that he, the other man, had that he didn't, and so on.
I told him I was thinking all of these things, but I had other priorities. Like the stability of my children's family life, and the hurt it would cause them to have divorced parents.
Because he knew me well enough to understand that I would never forgive a cheater.
I pushed away my anger and feelings of disappointment, because all I was thinking of was how we could provide our children the best life with two homes. I was eventually going to process the anger and hurt. I knew I had all the time later for grief and rage.
So he told me that he wanted to move out to his parents, but that he wasn't sure how to manage without seeing the children every day. So I suggested that he could pick them up from daycare every day, since I work later than him. I could pick them up from my in laws after work. I also suggested that we could split the weekend.
He was silent while I was planning. He then said “I love you” and kissed me and hugged me for a long while, for the first time in weeks.
When I got home after picking up the children and the dogs, he was already gone with his clothes. He texted me around 11 p.m. saying that he couldn't believe that I was doing it again and that he was done.
I called him and he told me I was, again, a matter of fact and unemotional. I seemed unfazed, like him moving out wasn't a big deal. He felt redundant again and disposable and unnecessary in my life.
I told him this was so unfair, because I've missed him, and I have missed him all these weeks when he was ignoring me. I was just trying to give him space and respect his wishes because I still wanted us to work things out.
He didn't want to listen anymore, so we hung up. At two a.m., he texted that this wasn't working for him and he wanted a divorce. I texted back: “okay”.
OP's 2nd update (about husband's apology):
I want to thank you very much for all the support. I’m sorry for all the doubtful voices about help from strangers on Reddit, while I’m my own woman and isn’t easily manipulated, I was so appreciative of the support here. I was doubting myself, brooding and all consumed in my own confused thoughts.
My husband found my posts and he said he was so ashamed of himself and the way he handled our problem especially after reading all the comments calling him out.
Now we have a lot of work to do if we’re going to make it. I’m still not 100 sure why he acted the way he did because I’ve always been clear about my feelings and how much I love him, I never felt that life and the children came in the way...
it just made my love for him even stronger, but I’m not gonna dismiss his feelings if he really felt neglected and disposable. He hasn’t moved home yet, we have been on “dates” and we have been spending quality time together.
Before the prank we were talking about having another baby and maybe moving into a bigger house. Now? I'm too freaked out. We are waiting with this.
I wasn’t sure how I would tell him that I wanted to wait without it sounding like I’m cold and have given up on our future so I tried to show more emotions this time...
and making it clear that I just want to wait until we’re back on track and not cancel the plans all together but he was actually understanding and kind of relived.
We’ll see how this goes. I love and miss him so much and the children miss their daddy at home. Thank you again.