'AITA for wanting to attend my daughter's graduation party and missing my nephew's funeral?'
"AITA for wanting to attend my daughter's graduation party and missing my nephew's funeral?"
My (47) daughter Zoe's (18) graduation party is coming up, this is a big moment/milestone in her life and we've all been looking forward to it. My family is pretty scattered and most live in different states. We've gone through a major tragedy recently, after my nephew and his partner both passed in an accident.
The funeral is the day before Zoe's graduation party. It's out of state and I'll need to fly, meaning I'll miss Zoe's graduation. It's impossible for Zoe to go, and she's be bored anyway, so my husband will stay with her, but he's saying that I should at least attend the funeral.
Zoe however is a bit upset naturally, as she wants me to be there as well. Me and sister Grace (57), my nephew's mom, get along well and everything, but we've never been super close since she's significantly older than me, and she'd moved out before I was a teen.
I called Grace after I heard the news and of course she was very upset and emotional. I did mention I don't think I can attend the funeral, and my other sister cursed me out. Now the rest of my family is saying that we don't care and are okay partying after something like this has happened. So AITA?
Edited: A lot of people are asking this and I guess I wasn't clear enough, this is the graduation party for Zoe, not the actual graduation ceremony. Also because some people are asking and thinking my nephew was a child, he was 31 and his fiancee was 26. I'm NOT trying to say them not being children makes it matter 'less' or something like that, just answering a question.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
JannaNYC says:
I'm trying to imagine my sister telling me that she wouldn't be there for my son's funeral because her child is having a party. I'm trying to imagine my niece telling me that she wouldn't be there for my son's funeral because she is having a party, and would 'be bored anyway'. Sorry, YTA.
TNG6 writes:
And it’s not even the actual gradation she would miss, it’s a party!! Cancel the party, the whole family attends the funeral and then no one misses anything. She’s an adult now. She needs to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around her.
Pale_Cranberry1502 comments:
I love how OP adds that she isn't really close with her sister because of the age difference. She doesn't care and is flailing around for a way to say it without sounding terrible. Sorry, OP, that's not going to happen. Your sister lost her child! All three of you need to go, and don't ever expect the others to go if you don't.
JazzyKnowsBest13 goes all in:
'We've gone through a major tragedy recently' No you haven't. If you truly considered the death of your nephew a major tragedy, there would be no question in your mind what the right thing to do is. You'd be at the funeral and supporting your sister. If your own life passed before your eyes right now, would your high school graduation even show up in that highlight reel?
If mine did, at all, it would be far down on the list after the birth of my children, happy times spent with them, good times with my parents and siblings, hanging out with school friends, life at college, my dog, my wedding, watching the births of my nephews and niece, success at work, vacations, massive Christmas Eve gatherings with extended family, loving times with my partner.
High school graduation is important to your daughter right now, but it will be a fond memory at best in her highlight reel. Your sister will NEVER get over this devastation. So it's not a matter of who is more important to you, your daughter or your sister/her son.
If your sister and your daughter both needed a kidney and you were a match, it's obvious you would save your daughter. It's a question of triage. If there was an accident and your sister desperately needed a tourniquet and your daughter needed a band-aid, who would you treat first ? YTA if you wouldn't apply the tourniquet.
CinnaByt3 says:
OP's already f^%$#d this if we're being honest. Even if she decides to attend her sister is never going to forget that it was still a toss up between Nephew's funeral and her Daughter's graduation party. This is not something relationships recover from, and OP's probably going to be met with icy shoulders for quite a while after this.
zerj puts it this way:
I'd say OP should go to her nephew's funeral, even with a 10 year age difference, they probably have a significant relationship. But as for the daughter, does she even know her cousin? Sounds like they live out of state and there is a significant age gap involved. I also wouldn't be flying out of state to support my aunt who I haven't seen in 10+ years.