'AITA for not marrying my girlfriend earlier?'
"AITA for not marrying my girlfriend earlier?"
Me [27 M] and my girlfriend [27F] have been together for nearly 11 years (since we were 16). When we were teenagers we never really discussed marriage. Her parents married in their early twenties whereas my parents married in their early thirties so we’ve both had different upbringings when it comes to "the right age to tie the knot."
I always envisioned us getting married in our late twenties (once we finished university, bought a house etc) however I know she wanted to be married in her mid-twenties similar to her parents. When we were 23 her dad was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis which devastated my gf’s family.
The night she found out I came over to her house where she bawled with me for hours and cried “he won’t be able to walk me down the aisle now." I reassured her that her dad would be at our wedding and everything would be okay. For two years it was okay until it wasn't.
When we were 25 I planned to propose to her at the end of 2023 (when I finished my masters) however in July her dad died unexpectedly from pneumonia. This was an extremely hard time for my gf as she was so close to her dad (my gf is the youngest of 3 boys and is the only daughter).
A few months after the funeral the topic of marriage popped up where she stated “I never want to get married now, if dad can’t be there, I see no point." I reassured her saying we can pay respects to her dad at the wedding, but she refused. So every couple of months until now I’ve asked her wedding related questions like “how many bridesmaids would you have?” but she doesn’t seem interested.
I sat her down last night and talked about our timeline for our future and whether marriage was going to be something on the cards for us, she replied that “we had our chance to get married and it’s too late." I know she is still hurting and grieving her dad but I feel like she resents me for not marrying her earlier. She’s assured me that she still wants to be with me but she doesn't want a wedding now.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Similar-Bandicoot735 said:
She needs to grieve her dad and also the version of the wedding she imagined with him.
NeoLitter said:
NAH. But I think you should stop bringing up the topic of marriage/wedding for now. Let her grieve and support her instead.
Blink182YourBedroom said:
It sounds like some important conversations should have been had earlier. Her wedding is never going to be what she imagined. She waited for you to be ready. Now you can wait for her to be ready.
LilGreenTurtle said:
Marriage isn’t something to just jump into if you’re not ready for it or if you don’t want to be married, it’s okay that you waited and it’s okay if she doesn’t want to ever marry some people don’t want marriage for whatever the reason may be and end up having life partners.
She may change her mind but if she doesn’t thats something you have to think about if you’re going to be okay with. You shouldn’t be pushing it right now if she has made it clear it’s not something she wants.
ThestralBreeder said:
She was begging to be married for years so that her father would be at her wedding. Now, just seven months after he died, you can’t stop bringing it up? She doesn’t want to think about bridesmaids. YTA.
Consistent-Tip-7819 said:
Look, you prioritized your education over your marriage and this is the consequence. Im not saying that's the right choice or not, but that's life. It's pretty hard to put the full breath of life in perspective when you're young. 20 year old me would've done what you did. 50 year old me wouldn't have.
In response to comments OP said this:
It's hard because on paper (at 23) we'd been together for 7 years which is a long time and we've always had questions from relatives and friends asking when we would get married. I would never mean to pressure her so I will take a step back I just wanted to know if it's still something she wants to do.
I waited because I wanted to save money and finish my degree, I couldn't devote my full attention to a wedding while I was studying. I waited not because I didn't love her or because I didn't want to marry her, I just wanted to finish a chapter in my life (university) before I started a new one