Woman wants to go NC with husband's family after MIL lies and 'violates' baby's hair. AITA? UPDATED.
When this woman is baffled by her MIL's horrifying behavior, she asks Reddit:
"MIL cut my baby’s hair and lied?"
My MIL watched my 18mo baby over the weekend and when we got home, my husband and I both (independently, before talking together) suspected his hair had been cut.
I couldn’t put my finger on it and comparing pictures doesn’t help because the haircut was very subtle, but the overall effect was the hair looked thinner and tighter to his head especially along the hairline. My husband asked her and she quickly said no she didn’t and left the room.
Background: my husband’s parents have been insulting and boundary-pushing for all 6 yrs of our marriage.
Things came to a head about 6 months ago when we tried to set a boundary and they lost their shit and we all ended up arguing and hashing out years worth of (until then) unaddressed insults. During that phone call, his mother called me a liar more than once. I wasn’t lying about anything.
Before that fight, they were coming over almost monthly to spend time with our baby. Since then, they have come twice. Letting them watch our baby was an olive branch and this is what MIL did with it.
I noticed the haircut, my husband noticed the haircut, and our friend who came over our first night back from our trip commented on the haircut. We took my son to two different hairdressers who both said with certainty his hair has been cut recently (his last haircut was 2.5 months ago).
Another element of all this is that the last time they were with my baby and away from me (husband was on that trip with them, without me, and obviously had moments away from the baby since he showers and goes to the bathroom, etc) was 9 months ago and we also thought the baby’s hair looked shorter after that trip to my in-laws.
Now I’m sure my MIL must have cut it then too and that would have been his first haircut. I wonder what she thought when she saw the lock of hair in the “my first haircut” keepsake on the fridge when she came to our house after, knowing she had cut his hair before that date. Obviously she didn’t think much since she cut it again after that.
This just feels like such a slap in the face. My husband asked her, she said no. A few days later he called his dad to say it happened and his dad said they would never do that after the summer we’ve had.
I believe my FIL doesn’t know she did it. After the second hairdresser confirmed it tonight, my husband texted his dad to say our son’s hairdresser showed us how she knew it was cut.
He said let me ask mom if she did it … she didn’t cut it. My husband is just not going to answer that text. We’re not asking them and we don’t need them to agree. It just makes me so angry because his mom claims she walks on eggshellls around me and its not fair.
This is an interesting feat for someone to pull off while balancing on eggshells! Really, really sick of these people and the strain they put on my marriage. I want to go NC with his family, my husband isn't ready. AITA?
OP has a weird update with more details about MIL's history. Let's take a look at some of the top responses first:
confused7 writes:
I guess the next step should be very clear, they don’t get alone time with the baby ever again. You cannot trust her, them, to be honest when they did something to your child without your permission.
No more babysitting, no left alone in the house, always supervised visits. You don’t have to tell them a thing. Just don’t ask them to babysit anymore. If they ask, be honest, they cut your child’s hair and then lied about it.
Two very good reasons not to trust them with caring for your child. Made a parental decision about your child and lied about it. Boundaries grandparents should always respect. If you want to make your point, cut the grandmothers hair for her and lie about it and see just how violated she feels.
Tell her the same, as she will probably blurt out in anger, that “hair will grow back, it is not a big deal”. If it were me, I would look at her while she freaked out about the hair cut I would give her, smile, show her the wad I cut out and drop it in the floor and walk out the door.
popularjaguar writes:
Tell his father first then her. That it was bad enough that she cut his hair. But the worst part is that she is lying about it. And therefore, neither you or your husband can trust her again.
Tell his dad that either he is being blindsided by her lies or he is enabling her. But you know for a fact that she did. That even the hairstylist stated that someone did cut his hair and did a lousy job at it. That will piss her off.
The prize they have won is that they can no longer see him, until she owns it and admits it. And after this, she will never be allowed to be alone with any children of yours again. Supervised visits.
restlessdragon8 writes:
STOP ASKING IF SHE CUT IT. He needs to say, Mom stop the BS. I KNOW YOU CUT HIS HAIR, and your continuing to lie to me is just making it worse.
You have made it obvious that I can no longer trust you. You will not have unsupervised time with our son for a very long time, if ever again. Continue to lie to me and you won't see him at all.
Then, OP adds this update about the situation:
Its certainly not easy! My husband has come a long way. We’ve been through thousands of dollars of therapy. The ONLY thing we have ever fought about in our near 7 years of marriage is his family.
But even though he did the right things this time, its hard bc I had to push him to do it. And I had to watch him agonize over every word he was sending to his dad. Its a tough position to be in and I remind him all the time that I’m not the one putting him there. But I wonder how much he gets it.
He is a peacemaker and just wants everyone to get along. Sometimes it feels like I’m the one creating issues bc they’d all be happy to move along like nothing happened and my husband would be more than happy to do that.
But stuff IS happening. For his sake I wish I could go along with it more but it infuriates me and I can’t. For my sake I wish he cared more to make it stop. It’s just hard.