Woman's pregnancy announcement unleashes MAJOR family drama; 'There are screenshots all over Facebook.' AITA? UPDATED 3X

When this woman is concerned that her pregnancy announcement triggered family drama, she asks the internet:

"AITA for announcing we are pregnant too early?"

So I (26F) and my husband (30M) decided to start our family. We were very fortunate and got pregnant on the first try. As soon as we found out, positive test at 5 weeks, we shared on our family chat because we were very excited! The family chat includes my dad, my brother (22M) and his wife (21F).

My brother, who is on deployment, sends me a lengthy message about how I'm selfish and rubbing it in their face that we are pregnant when we know they've struggled with fertility issues and it's something I should have kept to myself.

I know his wife has issues with her reproductive organs that would make it VERY hard for her to conceive but neither of then shared that they were actively trying.

I also understand how hard deployments can be, I'm a veteran and my husband is active duty, AND our mom died about 16 months ago, so I'm trying to be really understanding of their feelings and experiences.

However, I'm really hurt. I don't think it's wrong to share our excitement. I want to share because if we were to have a miscarriage I would want my family to know and to help me through it. It just seems really out of character for my brother to treat me this way. His wife hasn't said anything or acknowledged what we said.

EDIT TO ADD I'd be happy to answer/clarify a few things.

They did not share they were trying to get pregnant/recieve fertility treatments. She shared about a year prior that she will likely struggle to conceive but didn't want to go into detail. We respected her privacy and didn't pry. She is shy and very quiet. We all expressed support for her and whatever their journey looks like.

I was concerned about miscarriages because I have uterine fibroids, very irregular periods, and I was SA by someone for an extended period of time, multiple times, while I was deployed and didn't have access to birth control.

I did not become pregnant, which I am VERY GRATEFUL FOR, but my doctor and therapist both agreed that it could signal that I would face fertility issues. My mom isn't around so I can't get her medical history (which could affect me).

The doctor told me that I would have to try for 12-18 months before getting a referral to a fertility clinic and that I should gather resources (such as therapy) and support (husband, friends, family if I'm comfortable with that) to help me through those potentially difficult times.

If I knew they were actively trying and struggling, I would have waited to tell by brother and SIL until he came home and had time to reintegrate but also checked out on my SIL frequently to see what I could do to help/alleviate the stress.

Before we give you OP's 3 updates, let's take a look at some top responses:

feama writes:

NTA, and I say that as a currently VERY jealous sister experiencing infertility. 8 nieces/nephews have been born and there is one more on the way since I learned of my infertility. The eldest is six and I’m still waiting. But my jealousy isn’t going to take their sunshine away and I’d never lash out at them for it.

I put my jealousy into doing nice things like buying them care packages of clothes that are their parents style preferences and throwing very nice baby showers and sprinkles… my point is that your brother is not an AH for being jealous- it’s a human emotion- but I don’t care how upset he was.

You don’t lash out at someone for sharing their special news unless they did it in a way that’s intentionally spiteful/manipulative and even then you point out their behavior gracefully.

lopoutin writes:

Hi OP, you’re definitely NTA and your brother absolutely did not act appropriately, but as someone who went through years of fertility struggles (that ultimately didn’t work), I struggle to call him an AH either.

You didn’t deserve that reaction from him but may I offer another perspective? Infertility is the worst thing I’ve ever gone through - it breaks your heart on an hourly basis and to someone whose been on the inside of that pain, every single pregnancy announcement feels like a fresh stab in the heart.

It brings all of the pain, frustrations and sadness to the surface which can be incredibly overwhelming. I suspect your brother’s reaction had less to do with you specifically, and more that the announcement yet again reminded them of what they can’t have. It’s not fair or logical, but emotions aren’t always logical.

It can be very hard to share the journey with family because having to answer questions about how you’re doing, what updates there are etc can be upsetting.

Equally, never asking and you feel like no one cares about you or your pain. You’re in a no win situation in some ways. Having family members struggling with infertility is like walking a tightrope without a safety net.

If you have an otherwise good relationship with the two of them, I think getting together to talk it out will go a long way.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP! I wish you and your family love, peace and happiness

And now, OP's 1st update (with relevant comments and responses from OP):

Relevant Comments:

Did they expect you to just hide it and show up with a baby one day?

OP: "That's what I thought. It would be even weirder, and in some ways insulting(?), to not share with them. My family is very open and transparent about everything, so hiding it felt wrong."

Hope your dad was congratulatory at least?

OP: "My dad called to tell me congratulations. It was a PM from my brother so he hasn't seen it and I'm not ready to share that with dad yet. It will upset him that we aren't getting along and mom isn't here to mediate/fix it."

Maybe he just lashed out because he had bad news (not excusing it):

OP: "I suspect that as well. I wish they had shared their journey with us so we could have been supportive. His wife is very quiet, shy, and keeps to herself so I imagine he hasn't shared out of respect for her wished, which is very understandable. It's just not the best way for him to handle it, I think."

Update 2 (9 months later):

UPDATE: DEFINITELY a bittersweet update. They have successfully conceived and are expecting a boy! They are far enough along that they felt comfortable announcing and we are praying that this miracle can make it to term and is healthy. We were not invited to their gender reveal but I was due that week and they currently live 3 hours away so we could not travel.

However, the woman my brother cheated on his wife with while on deployment was invited and attended so...... our relationship is still very strained.

My SIL posted a reel to FB sharing all the dirty details for friends and family to see. Including screenshots from the conversation she had with the mistress. In some of those screenshots the mistress shared that my brother insisted his wife was dying of cancer (she did receive cancer treatment while he was deployed but wasn't in Stage 3/4.

Which is wild because our mom died of cancer a few years ago so we are familiar with how things can progress with cancer.) and he was seeking comfort. Then swore to his wife on our dead mother's grave that he didn't cheat on her.

However, shortly afterwards my SIL tested positive for an STD while pregnant. Things are a mess. I think, perhaps, all the drama about my pregnancy had less to do with me and more to do with issues they were/are trying to navigate.

Update 3 (with comments and responses from OP):

Relevant Comments:

Did I miss a post or did a lot happen all at once? Where did the mistress come from?

OP: "The mistress info is in the update. We didn't know there was a mistress until SIL shared that reel. My SIL vented to me about a girl she suspected my brother of cheating on her with while on deployment, but nothing was concrete.

Photos posted to social media of them together, him liking her instagram pics that were very revealing. When she told me this, I took it upon myself to reach out to him and remind him that he's married and if he's doing things that make his wife suspect he's cheating.... he probably shouldn't be doing them.

I understand deployment is hard, I have deployed multiple times, and so has my husband, but that isn't an excuse to break your marriage vows. Of course, he denied everything until the mistress reached out to my SIL. He couldn't deny the text messages and intimate info shared."

"I linked my previous post for those that wanted a refresher. It was a lot lol and tbh there's still more coming out as time goes on. Yeah we had no idea. I had a FEELING something went on but never confirmed it until my SIL posted a reel with ALL the receipts. I plan on enjoying our new baby and enjoying our beautiful life!"

"We will absolutely be taking our space from them. Perks to being a military family is we will move soon and be far away so that will make things a bit easier. Hoping with time, and therapy, my brother can mature."

Did she post the reel before or after the gender reveal?

OP: "After the gender reveal, her reel showed the girl in the background and then went on to show the screenshots of their conversation about his infidelity. To my SIL's credit, she was very nice and amicable to the mistress."

Wait MISTRESS was at the reveal but not you???

OP: "Exactly! For the record, the hierarchy is: Select family Friends Coworkers Mistress Then us "

Was she invited before or after affair was discovered?

OP: "Invited before. I still can't imagine having the audacity, the gall, the confidence to invite the mistress to the gender reveal."

On how young brother and SIL are:

OP: "Most of our family is in agreement that they got married too soon and are trying to have kids too soon. Although, due to some of her medical issues, the doctors suspect her biological time clock will run out sooner than later so there's that added pressure to have kids now."

How is SIL doing?

OP: "She's really shut down and hasn't wanted to talk with us. Posts a lot of "men ain't shit" content right now and is applying to go back to school because she can't rely on my brother. Which is understandable.

I'm worried for her mental health and the stress this is putting on her pregnancy. She's had a lot of difficulty carrying to term (multiple miscarriages) and I'm just praying this won't occur again."

Did YOU have your baby??

OP: "I did! A beautiful boy. It wasn't an easy birth but we are happy to be home and making the best of late night wake ups. (Hence the update lol)"

Reaching out to SIL:

OP: "Yeah, I have reached out. She's not super interested connecting right now. Before finding out she was pregnant and then finding out about the cheating she wanted nothing to do with me because of my pregnancy and now birth. It's just really awkward."