Woman refuses to apologize to BF, 'he smashed our bday cake TO MY FACE.' AITA? 'I'm not proud of my reaction.'

"AITA for refusing to apologize to my boyfriend when he smashed our birthday cake to my face?"

My (F34) boyfriend (Charles M38) and I celebrate our birthdays together. This year, I contributed a small private room at a restaurant, and we invited 11 people. 4 of them are my local friends. The rest are his family members. I wanted to celebrate a new achievement in my career and thought it would be great to just splurge a little and get some delicious food.

So we had access to the menu, drinks and our cake. I had agreed to pay for ½ of the food aside from having rented the small space myself. The space was paid for in advance, the food at the end (as in any restaurant).

We had issues last year because I felt that he was doing low effort things while I always did my best to give him a nice birthday celebration. We have an income gap, but it wasn't even about money. I was making less money last year, and I still made things work for him. So this year, he took care of inviting people, paid for the cake, and got me a spice rack as a present (which I loved).

I made myself pretty, got my eyebrows and eyelashes done, and had my hair done. We were told to pose and pretend to blow the candles (because I didn't want to blow our germs on the cake). Then we each had a picture alone with the cake. When it was my turn, I was holding the cake when he pushed my face towards the cake, so I tried to fight it.

His family started cheering, and he arched over my body and forced me to bend over until my face smashed the cake. My friends tried to get him off me, and he resorted to plastering cake and frosting on my hair. I don't need to describe the mess because I'll never be able to end this post, but I ended up slapping him when he attempted to do it again.

His mother got up, and she got into an argument with one of my guests. I had to cross the main floor with cake all over my face to use the restroom. When I looked in the mirror, I had cake on my neck, and my blouse had red and blue coloring that didn't come off. I had to wash my face and got my hair in a bun because it looked less messy that way.

When I came back, his family were all long faces. I told him what he did was unacceptable, and he said it was just a joke, that everybody has done that for ages and that me hurting him just ruined my image in front of his family. I started crying and gathered all my stuff to leave.

I notified him that he should pay for himself and his guests. My friends insisted on paying for their own food, but I refused, and we ended the night right there. My friends wanted to treat me to having dinner elsewhere, but I wasn't comfortable with my appearance. They ended up sending me the money that I spent, and that broke my heart.

Charles had to pay for ½ of the remaining bill and got charged a cleaning fee. I still love him, but I'm clear that I'll never be able to forgive him. We talked about it, and I ended things. He's convinced that I never loved him. He acknowledged what he did was wrong but is adamant that his family hates me for hurting him and that it's my fault.

I told him that he ruined not only our birthday, but also my way to celebrate my career milestone. I've worked very hard to get to where I am and that his behavior showed me what my future will look like.

And that I'm sorry to say it, but he was so aggressive and so focused on making his family laugh at my expense that I just realized he's not good enough and that I've lost my confidence to be seen with him in public, because I don't know what else he will pull out of his a.

He says he paid for that cake, that he's not saying that it was okay to smash it, but it's not like I paid for everything. He wanted me to apologize to his mom, but I refused. Important: I'm not proud of my reaction.

We've never had any physical altercations. He says his mother feels humiliated because of what I did and that she has been struggling with mild depression for years (I didn't know), and I came off as violent.

AITA for refusing? I already blocked him. Edit: his guests paid for the other half of his bill after being told they needed not pay for anything.

Here's what people had to say about this one:

Fun_Ideal_5584 said:

His mother feels humiliated. You came off VIOLENT? Did she not see what he did to you? "When it was my turn, I was holding the cake when he pushed my face towards the cake, so I tried to fight it. His family started cheering, and he arched over my body and forced me to bend over until my face smashed the cake.

My friends tried to get him off me, and he resorted to plastering cake and frosting on my hair." How does one do this to their future spouse, then act like it was nothing but fun times?

StatusDiamond339 said:

NTA. The reason being is that you physically resisted having your face forced into a cake. He did it anyways, and attempted to do it a second time. I don’t blame you for the slap in this situation — he tried to force you AGAIN when you clearly didn’t want to.

If someone were trying to force my face into a cake I was holding, I woulda dropped it right on the floor and walked out the door. I’d be done with that relationship. It wasn’t a “joke”, no means no. He and his family sound like a whole entourage of aholes.

Fancy-Escape8788 said:

NTA. This wasn’t a joke, it was just mean. You struggled against him, so he knew that you didn’t want him to do this. He ruined your night, your makeup, hair and clothing. He humiliated you in front of his family, your friends and everyone in the restaurant.

The worst thing is that he actually planned doing this to you. You slapped him in the heat of the moment. I don’t think that you owe him or his mother an apology. She should have been angry with her son for humiliating his girlfriend.

CrazyPirate79 said:

NTA. My SIL likes to do the same thing on birthdays, especially to little kids. She thinks it's hilarious. She tried to do it to my son ONCE when he was a year old. I told her absolutely not and if she tried again it'd be the last time she ever saw me or my kids. Your boyfriend assaulted you and you acted in self defense.

hdgal63 said:

NTA, honestly you answered his violence with a natural reaction. He was violent to you by refusing to allow you to say no. he physically had to use his body to push your face into that cake. That was humiliating to you, downgrading to you and showed zero consideration to you. You are well rid of him and his family owes you the apology, not the other way around.

jessie11xs said:

NTA. This wasn’t a prank. It was public humiliation under the guise of humor. You didn’t overreact—he did. You communicated a boundary by resisting, and he physically overpowered you in front of people to get a laugh. That’s not just immature, it’s aggressive.

The fact that he made your celebration about embarrassing you and then tried to gaslight you into thinking you were the problem says everything. You did the right thing by walking away. That slap? It was the only language he understood in the moment.

Khabuem said:

NTA. Physically forcing your head into the cake was an act of violence. What he did was terrible, and he doubled down on it. He does not need or deserve an apology.