Woman REFUSES to attend brother's wedding; 'If you're not inviting my husband, I'm NOT GOING.' AITA?

"AITA for refusing to attend my brother’s wedding because he didn’t invite my husband?"

I (29F) have a younger brother (26M) who is getting married soon, and while I’m excited for him and his husband (28m) there’s a pretty big issue. He’s decided to have a really small wedding just a handful of close friends and family and he’s not inviting my husband (30M).

To give you some background, my brother has never really liked my husband and they’ve had their fair share of disagreements over the years. I always thought that regardless of their differences, family should come together for important moments like this.

When I expressed my disappointment about my husband not being invited, my brother told me it’s his wedding and he wants it to be intimate with people he feels comfortable around.

I felt pretty strongly about it and told him that I wouldn’t be attending if my husband wasn’t invited. For me, it’s a package deal. My husband and I are a team and it just feels unfair to make me choose between supporting my brother and supporting my husband. Now my brother is upset and thinks I’m being dramatic, saying I’m putting him in a tough position.

To complicate things, some family members have jumped in, saying I’m being unreasonable and that my brother deserves to have the wedding he wants without feeling guilty about inviting someone he doesn’t want there. I believe in family loyalty, but I’m starting to wonder if I’m overreacting by saying I won’t go.

Edit: I’m sorry I was so vague in my post, to answer some questions yes everyone else’s significant others were invited, no my husband is not homophobic (he’s lgbtq) and they don’t get along because my husband...

is into video games and comics and my brother sees that as childish and a waste of time, on top of that, my husband is pretty introverted and shy whereas my brother is extroverted so my brother sees him as a “buzzkill”.

Let's see what readers thought:

gaert writes:

NAH. No one ever an AH for choosing who they want at their wedding. And no one is ever an AH for deciding not to attend, for whatever reason or no reason at all.

That said, did you ASK your husband if he even wanted to go, or if he cared if you went alone??? Because it's all well and good to have this "package deal" mentality, but if your brother wants you there and not him, and your husband wants you to go but doesn't want to go with you, then you're making the whole family upset for no good reason.

My wife gets invited to her friend's kids weddings regularly. She likes them and likes weddings but she'd rather not go alone. So I'm the +1 and the designated driver. I don't mind it, but I'm only there for my wife really. I barely know the couple and would frankly rather stay home and do yard work.

So: If you don't want to go to the wedding without an escort, then don't go. But don't be all indignant that your husband didn't get an invite if he had no intention of attending.

elecsn writes:

Eh im gonna disagree with the people here and say YTA. You said your brother doesn’t like your husband and it’s an intimate wedding. It’s his day and he doesnt want him there.

That sucks for you but nobody wants to be around people they dont like on such a special day. as everyone else has said you have the option of sticking by your man and not going, so politely decline your brother’s invitation and just dont go.

fealgin writes:

NTA. Why is everyone so quick to make the assumption of homophobia? Is a straight person not allowed to just not like one particular gay person because of personalities?

Yes, your brother has the right to invite or not invite. Just because it's his right doesn't make it morally right. And you have the right to not attend, which is what I think you should do.

Why is it that the aggrieved party is usually the told to do what they don't want to in the interest of family harmony or causing a scene? It would be so refreshing just ince to read something like "my family agrees he's being a jerk and they support my decision."

This has the potential to be a bigger problem than just attending his wedding. If you go, your husband realizes your gamer-phobic brother is your priority over him. Even if he encourages you to go, I doubt he really wants you to- he's putting your feelings over his. Return the courtesy.

ahager writes:

YTA you say family should come together but you aren't coming together. You chose to make your husband your family that doesn't mean he is family to your brother. He made a completely valid point that he only wants people he is comfortable with at his wedding and instead of being understanding you just refuse to go.

creat writes:

YTA, you don’t need to “support” your husband by forcing your brother to invite him to HIS wedding. That’s makes no sense.

It’s a small wedding and your brother doesn’t want your husband there, get over it for one day.

fleeez writes:

Soft YTA. Yes, a husband is generally a given plus one for a wedding but you’ve stated quite clearly that he and your brother do not get along and have even had active disagreements, so I think it’s understandable that your brother wouldn’t invite him to his small and intimate wedding.

I’d say NAH if they didn’t have prior issues and he wasn’t invited, but I think given that you know they don’t get along and you know they disagree (and you left out why they do)

that you also know your brother has a valid reason not to want your husband there and you expect him to make himself uncomfortable for your own comfort on his special day which, sadly, makes you the asshole even if you’re a well intentioned one.