Woman refuses to attend friend's wedding, 'this is VERY complicated.' AITA? 'She blames me.'

"AITA for refusing to attend a friend’s wedding because I don’t like who he is marrying?"

So this is a very complicated and admittedly convoluted situation I’ve found myself in. Basically around 12 years ago, I (F32) hooked up with my friend “Mike” (M30) after a party while we were both blackout drunk. I barely remember anything, and had been incredibly mortified the next day by what happened.

Mike hinted at wanting to be more than friends, but I didn’t think we were romantically compatible, so I said I’d rather just put it all behind us and he agreed without any argument.

Around 6 months later I met my current partner “Ry” (M33). He knows about what happened with Mike, and it’s never bothered him. They’re actually really close friends. But this is where things get a bit complicated.

7 years ago, I met a girl who we’ll call “Belle” (F34) at work and invited her out for drinks with my friends. She and Mike met and started dating, they were together for almost 2 years but ended things on bad terms. Belle later told me that they broke up because Mike has “always been in love” with me and it strained their relationship.

I asked Mike about this and he said that this isn’t true. He admitted that he told Belle he’d had feelings for me around the time we hooked up and had been disappointed that I hadn’t considered dating him, but that quickly fizzled when I got together with Ry.

He said that he loves me but it hasn’t been romantic for a long time, and that Belle refuses to acknowledge her own faults, so she blames me. Belle and I drifted apart and I haven’t spoken to her since.

Fast forward to today and Mike is now happily engaged to a girl (F29) we will call “Tiffany." They started dating and Tiffany got pregnant within 3 months with twins. Despite it being a shock, Mike has taken it in his stride and proposed.

I’ve also only met Tiffany twice and while she was lovely with everybody else, she only gave me one word answers, refused to look at me if I tried talking to her and rolled her eyes a few times while I was telling the group a story. I also tried adding her on social media and she ignored my requests, but added Ry.

I brought this up to Mike and he revealed that when Tiffany first learned she was pregnant - and this is bonkers to me - that she somehow came to the conclusion that the best way to gauge what Mike would be like as a long term partner, she reached out to his exes for a “true” opinion.

Of course this included Belle, and boy did she apparently have a lot to say about me. And it seems following this conversation, Tiffany now has this idea in her head that I hate not having all of Mike’s attention to myself and that Mike can never fully commit to anyone because of me.

I asked if there was anything I could do to convince her that I love Ry and that if I really wanted to be with Mike, then I would have done something about it a long time ago. He said he knows this and has tried explaining this to Tiffany but it’s a sore spot, and he doesn’t want to stress her out more than she is with two babies coming, and a wedding coming up.

I made the decision that I don’t feel comfortable going to the wedding, because I know the bride hates my guts and all of her family will be there. When I told Mike my concerns, he didn’t deny that Tiffany’s family have said some “choice words” about me and while he’s disappointed, he understands why I don’t want to go.

Admittedly, this whole situation has made me see Tiffany in a really negative light and I’d rather just remove myself from the entire situation. Ry also agreed with me and has declined his invitation too.

Then, lo and behold, I get my first ever message from Tiffany telling me how Mike is upset because me and Ry aren’t coming to the wedding, calling me a selfish, self-centered b and telling me how I’ve proven everything she’s ever thought about me because I just “couldn’t resist” making her day about me.

I’ve ignored it so far, but right now I’m wondering if I should have just swallowed my pride and went through with attending as really it would have only been a day. AITA?

Here's what people had to say about this one:

Temporary_Maize_8455 said:

Something makes me wonder what Mike is saying to these women about you.

K_A_irony said:

This is bonkers, but if you want to be the bigger person, just ask Tiffany what she would like...I would text this in a group text to her AND Mike. "Hey I was trying to NOT make YOUR day about me. I understand that his crazy ex put some weird ideas into your head about me.

I truly wished I could convince you otherwise, but I get that you believe her over me. I thought you would be more comfortable with us not attending. What would you like for me to do? Come to your wedding or not? I am happy to do what ever makes you and Mike happy?" NTA.

TXFrenchtoast said:

I would message Tiffany "Why would I attend when you clearly dislike me? As much as Ry and I would like to be there for Mike, we wouldn't want you to be uncomfortable on your wedding day." Then I would block her.

Mike may have to accept that your friendship is over. His future wife is uncomfortable with you being in his life, but at the same time is trying to punish you for bowing out. You'll never do anything right in her eyes and you don't have to deal with that. NTA.

claudiaxbigg1 said:

NTA. Tiffany already had a bias against you from the beginning thanks to Belle. No matter how polite or quiet you were at the wedding, it would’ve been framed as either ‘stealing attention’ or ‘making it awkward’. You removed yourself from the equation, and honestly, that was the most mature thing to do. Mike should have defended you more clearly or set boundaries with Tiffany.

TooTallBrawl1919 said:

NTA. You’re in a no win situation. She would have been horrible to you if you would have gone to the wedding. Unfortunately, other than you and your hubby no one else in this situation is an adult or capable of having male/female friendships. They are acting like they are still in high school and need to grow up. Move on. You don’t need this childishness in your life.

lsp2005 said:

Mike obviously still has feelings for you. You don’t have feelings for him, but even 12 years later, you clearly are the one that got away. The other women know this and realize that if you even looked his way, he would drop them like a hot potato. I don’t think you can ever be friends. I am sorry.

Later, OP edited the post to include:

I probably should have provided slightly more context in certain areas because there are a lot of questions surrounding why my attendance in the wedding/having Tiffany like me is such a big deal.

The answer is for me it’s not, but Ry was supposed to be a groomsman and him deciding to support me and not attend is why Mike was so upset and why it warranted a full, in person conversation and not a “can’t make it btw!”

Mike and I were very close for a long time but he’s actually closer to Ry now these days, they hang out all the time and I mainly only hang out with Mike in group settings, which makes it awkward if Tiffany is also there.

Also Mike has had several other girlfriends over the years, one he has was engaged to, and this has never been an issue. We got on really well. So even though this post makes mention to a lot of concern over my relationship with Mike, this really only became an issue with Belle, and with Tiffany apparently...

...BECAUSE of what Belle said. I have been more distant with Mike recently mainly because I don’t want the drama but also because I want him to just be direct and deal with things, like reassuring his future wife for instance, and I’m getting a bit frustrated with being made out to be a d when I’m literally just existing.