Woman refuses to cover up 'big and visible' tattoos for boyfriend's 'old school' family dinner. AITA?

"AITA for refusing to cover my tattoos for my boyfriend’s family dinner?"

I’m (21F) a girl who has several tattoos (some big and quite visible), my boyfriend (26M) met me like that and I hadn't had any problem with it. He invited me to go to dinner with his family and I accepted, but he casually mentioned, “Maybe you could wear something with sleeves? Just so we don’t start any drama.”

I asked what he meant, and he said his grandparents are very old-school and might not react well to my tattoos. He said he didn’t want the night to be awkward.
I told him I wasn’t going to hide part of myself to make his family more comfortable. He said it’s not about hiding, it’s about respect. I told him respect goes both ways, and I shouldn’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not.

He got upset and said I was overreacting and making it a bigger deal than it is. I told him that I would go to the dinner, but that I wouldn't cover my tattoos. But then he asked me to please not attend, that if I was only going to be difficult, it would be better not to be there.

That really rubbed me the wrong way and made me feel confused, because I think maybe I did behave badly and I shouldn't have reacted so vehemently against the idea. I don't want to cause drama with his family, but I have had a hard time feeling comfortable in my skin and learning to deal with the stigma people have towards me because of my tattoos...

And I don't want to go back and hide again, plus I don't think I would be honest with his family either if I show myself as I am not. So...AITA for refusing to cover my tattoos for the dinner?

Here's what people had to say about this one:

high_on_acrylic said:

I don’t think anyone is the AH, it just seems your values don’t align on this issue. He values not rocking the boat, and you value your individual expression. There’s also the expectation that if his family starts saying nasty things about you, it’s his duty as the bridge between you and them to defend you and handle that conflict, which is a form of labor he might not be ready/willing/able to do at this point.

I suggest you both sit down, explain what needs are and are not being met, and find some way to honor both your perspectives. It might be that you cover your tattoos the first time you go, and then don’t cover them after a certain period of time (either after the first meeting or after a set number of meetings).

It might mean you cover your tattoos but find some time in the night to show them and bring them up. This is the perfect thing to practice compromise and communication.

ondopondont said:

I have full sleeves. Been in this situation several times and I've gone both ways with it. With the wisdom of experience and age, I'd just cover it up. Not your partner's fault his grandparents are narrow minded and nothing he can do to change it. How much time do you expect to spend with them whislt they're still alive?

NTA - neither of you are... but do you desperately want to fight this one? If you win, he has to put up with their stuff. Why bother? Doesn't achieve anything. How much do you really need them to know you have tattoos?

Relevant-Golf7886 said:

YTA. You weren’t asked to lie about who you are or cover your tattoos forever — you were asked to wear sleeves for one dinner to avoid unnecessary drama with his very old-school grandparents.

You say, “I shouldn’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not,” but that’s not what this was. This was about being thoughtful and respectful in someone else’s home, around people with a different set of values. Whether you agree with them or not, the world doesn’t revolve around your need for self-expression every minute of every day.

Your boyfriend didn’t insult your tattoos, he didn’t shame you, and he didn’t say you couldn’t have them — he asked for a small, temporary compromise to make a family event go more smoothly. Instead of being flexible, you made it about you and blew it out of proportion. That’s not self-respect. That’s ego.

If you can't make one small concession to support your partner when he’s trying to juggle two worlds, you and his family — then you’re not ready for a serious relationship. You chose pride over partnership. That's on you.

justanotherguyhere16 said:

NTA but…you’re being rigid and short sighted. Except for your spouse you don’t get to pick your family. Perhaps he wants his grandparents to get to know you without their prejudice getting in the way.

You’re setting it up as a no win for him and he is simply trying to give you the best chance to impress his family without their bias. Show up a few times, they like you and then move on. It’s not hard but you’re making it so he can’t have any middle ground.

AJOlvera said:

NTA. Unless your tattoos are extremely graphic, it shouldn't be a thing. I have a friend with very explicit tattoos and he willingly covers them for work and most family interactions just because he's sensitive to the fact that it's on his arms.

wase471111 said:

YTA; he asked you to wear sleeves for one dinner, not to have your tats removed. Grow up and come to grips with the fact that sometimes we have to do things to please the ones we love. Not everything needs drama added to it.

Timely-Profile1865 said:

YTA. It is his family dinner, he is good enough to invite you. Out of consideration for him you should have done what he asked. It is a family dinner not a chance to prove a point. You made your choice which is totally fine but he is allowed to make his choice as well. I would say the same thing if the rolls were reversed. This was you chance to go out of your way to do something nice for him that he asked of you.