Woman refuses to drop $10,000 a new truck, 'driving my car makes him feel like less of a man.' AITA?

"AITA If I (29F) tell my husband (31M) I'm not willing to spend $10,000 on a down payment for a new truck because driving my car makes him feel 'less of a man?'"

We are looking at USED trucks. Said new as the truck would be new to us. Doesn’t change point of post much but wanted to be accurate. Backstory - my husband and I got married last July but we've been together for a total of 7.5 years.

We've always kept our finances separate but I've been wanting to merge accounts for a while to remove that feeling of "his and my" money and approach our finances as a team rather than two individuals. If it matters, he makes about $15-20k more a year than I do, but I have the most money in my savings account.

Long story short, his car has a lot of problems and he's been wanting a truck for a while. Logically, we really do need a truck to allow us to do more home renovations and be less reliant on family, but I'm not sure now is the right time.

I've asked him if we can set a goal to purchase a truck this summer so we can focus on saving up for a good down payment to lower our monthly payments and so we can remain secure with a "nest egg" in our bank account. I currently have $13k in my account - this includes both my savings and my checking account.

He has anywhere from $5k-7k in his account typically. While I've kept my spending more frugal, he has, to be fair, spent more money on our home and daily needs as I work remote whereas he works in person so it's easier for him to grab last minute items throughout the week.

I want to make sure I am not making him look like he's being selfish, that's not the case, but I do think he is being immature. He asked me if we can go look at a $39k truck this weekend and is asking me to put $10k down.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not hoarding my money from him, but I grew up homeless, without basic needs, and I do not ever want to put myself into a position where I am struggling again.

We are 100% not poor but I would feel very insecure dropping my account down by that much when I've been saving this money for YEARS. To add to the conflict, when I remind him we don't need the truck this minute and that we can use my car until say August/September, he says driving my car makes him feel like he's not a man.

I tried to tell him that there's nothing manlier than a man who puts his families financial interests before his wants, but he just clams up. He essentially told me that I obviously don't think of my bank account as ours and what I say is apparently the final say.

I've tried to have a mature conversation to weigh the pros and cons, but he is legitimately pouting. I'm talking no eye contact, mono-syllable responses, and not engaging in the discussion.

I don't want to have him feeling like his wants aren't valid, but how do I get him to see from my perspective? Or if necessary, how do I see from his when he won't give me anything more than "It's the only truck that meets our requirements within 500 sq miles, you have more money than I do, and your car is a chick's car?"

EDIT:

I'm sure most of you out there understand that there's only so much context or nuance that can be included within a singular Reddit thread. With that in mind, let's try not to judge my husband too harshly.

First things first, I want to address the elephant in the room which might disappoint some of you: I drive a black 2018 Nissan Sentra…we call her Bernice. Excellent gas mileage, comfortable, spacious enough for a starter family, and still shiny too.

He has no problem whatsoever in the way he’s perceived driving the car- it’s the fact that it has no torque to it. His current car is a 2016 Subaru WRX and he’s spent the last 8+ years driving it. I can’t lie, I also really enjoy the turbo and the handling, so I understand the disappointment going from that to Bernice.

She’s a true point A to point B vehicle, no bells or whistles, and always loses in a race. So while I still don’t think this is a good enough reason to jump the gun on this truck, it’s really not about being in a truck.

Piggy backing off of this ^ I quoted him verbatim on the title. He truly said “Driving your car makes me feel less of a man” but it isn’t any deeper than the fact that my car is slow and a bad choice of words on his part. But to play the devil's advocate, I do call my car a she and named her Bernice….

So I guess I started the whole gender assignment debacle. He’s not a misogynist and while he wasn’t choosing his words correctly, I don’t think his feelings are invalid to an extent. He was in motocross throughout middle and highschool and as soon as he had enough money, he bought a sports bike.

Add in that he’s so used to a quick day-to-day vehicle, I see why he might feel stifled by a boring car like mine. Is that a mature excuse? No, but it’s not hard to understand his inner feelings on this.

Next, I want to be fair to both myself and to him on our spending and why our bank accounts are where they are right now. He took out a loan for his motorcycle in 2016 for what I think was a $15-16k loan and then took out another loan in 2017 to buy his car.

I don’t know the numbers exactly but he put a reasonable down payment on the car and ended up with a $26k loan. Objectively, both were bad financial decisions but he was barely 22/23 so I’ll give him some grace on that.

He paid off his bike in 2023 and his car late last year - he sold his bike last summer as well (now that I think about it, losing his bike and having his Subaru start dying might explain the urgency he's feeling). With both of those loans rolling over the last several years and taking on home ownership, he wasn’t saving much.

Because we weren’t engaged at the time of us buying the house and I wouldn’t benefit from the equity put into the home, we decided I would furnish the house, pay an equal share towards home renovations, pay for the majority of groceries, cover electricity, and internet, but he would cover the mortgage, heating, and taxes.

It was a fair exchange as we did look into the numbers to make sure we were both putting in a fair share based on our individual income. Now why, 8+ months without those big monthly payments and the extra money after selling his bike is he still not saving enough? That is the big question.

I took the advice many of you gave me and sat down with excel after reading through some of your responses and began a budget for us. I am seeing areas I need to improve in but will have to see what’s going on with his numbers tomorrow.

One more thing, though they were buried, some of you did suggest putting a ball sack on the back end of Bernice. It was a valid suggestion but she’s secure in her identity.

Here's what people had to say about this one:

Snurgisdr said:

$39k is twice your combined life savings. If you finance it, it will be more like three times before it's paid off. For renovation purposes you can rent a truck or van from Home Depot every weekend for the rest of your lives and still come out tens of thousands of dollars ahead. Being financially responsible makes you "more of a man" than he is. NTA.

MadTownMich said:

NTA. You absolutely need to do everything you can to have savings that will cover at least 6 months of your living expenses. That is especially true in the current wacky environment.

There is going to be a lot of fallout for even previously-stable jobs. So sit down together first and put together a real budget of what you are currently spending each month. Multiply that by 6. No way does $3,000-$5,000 in savings cover that.

Then, put together a truck savings analysis. As in, if we save $$ per month, on top of the savings needed to build an emergency fund, in 6 months we will be able to put down $$ on a truck. He can decide whether there is a way he can increase that savings by either cutting back some spending or getting a side gig.

Bottom line: you NEED a strong emergency savings account that you only touch in case of unemployment or other financial disaster. He WANTS a truck, and of course there will be plenty of trucks available in the next 6-12 months.

These are very important discussions and have to be handled with maturity. If he can’t or won’t do that, then see if he would be willing to me with a legit financial advisor (not someone trying to sell you their services or investment products).

Federal__Dust said:

NTA. I swear half the finance content I see on social media where couples are in deep financial crap starts with "we bought a truck". You realistically don't need a truck. You can rent a truck from Home Depot or like you said, borrow from family. Under no circumstances should you wipe out most of your entire life savings to pay for a truck. What if you lose your job or he loses his?

You'll have a huge car payment, mortgage, and no savings. You two cannot afford this car, that's the math of it. Buying this truck puts you in a huge bind if anything happens to either one of you. Don't merge finances with this man, he's going to ruin your financial future.

Obvious-Diver-4086 said:

Nta. Tell him a "man" wouldn't need his wife to buy him a truck.

RoyallyOakie said:

NTA...his first "team" financial request is to take almost all of your savings. Perhaps you should think twice about merging.

satyrslynx said:

NTA. A car is a means of transportation and not a statement on his manhood. If anything, his tantrum over you not capitulating to his demands makes him less of a man. I made the mistake of impulse buying a new-to-me vehicle 15 years ago.

I regretted it every day until I was able to trade it in 5 years later. We both drive 20+ year old vehicles, until last week when my parents generously bought my cousin's 2023 for me (she is moving out of the country next week). Don't let him bully you.