Woman refuses to follow boyfriend's family tradition, 'I won't change my mind.' AITA? UPDATED

"AITA for telling my boyfriend I won't be following his family's traditions?"

Me (21F) and my boyfriend, let's call him Alex (23M) have been dating for about three years now. We've recently began talking about marriage and kids, something we both eventually want to have.

The other day a reel popped up on my fyp of cute boy names and I saw the name Everett. I thought it was a adorable and jokingly told him how it has to be our firstborns name. He laughed and said he liked it but it'll have to wait for the second kid. I was confused and asked him why.

He told me that his family has a tradition that every firstborn boy in the family has the same name. His oldest brother has it, his uncle has it, his grandfather has it and so on. For the sake of privacy and how oddly unique the name is, I'm not going to say it.

I'm not judging in the slightest, but this is a weird name and it's honestly not my favorite. I would never say that to any of his family members, but I did tell Alex I'm not a huge fan of it.

I told him I don't really want to follow those footsteps and he got upset and told me he can't be the one to break the tradition. He told me I was being an ahole for suggesting anything else. I told him I won't change my mind and we should make it a middle name or find another compromise.

Alex has five siblings. The tradition will continue if he doesn't do it. And frankly, I think I should get a say in what I name my kid. I told him since I'm the one carrying the hypothetical child for nine months and it would already be getting Alex's last name, I should have some say in the first name.

For context, I have two siblings, both girls. I'm the youngest and my eldest sisters are both married and took their husbands last names. It makes me a little sad that when I marry Alex, my last name will go out of existence. I've talked to him about hyphenating ours, something he doesn't want to do.

But anyways, I really don't want to name our first born son, if we ever even have a boy, that name. He thinks I'm "whining for no reason" since we don't even have a kid yet and I'm not pregnant, but I think my concerns are valid.

I've told some friends about it and most of them think I'm overreacting over something that doesn't even exist yet. So am I the ahole for telling my boyfriend I don't want to follow his families tradition?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

External_Expert_2069 said:

Great conversation to have before marriage and kids. You get to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. What other subjects does he believe you have no say in?

WRose287 said:

NTA. It's a tradition in your (and most) family that the kids have a unique name chosen by their parents lol why would his tradition be more important? Why would he unilaterally choose a name? Also, if you want you can keep your last name.

therealzacchai said:

The issue isnt the name; the issue is your bf's attitude toward you having ideas that differ from his: he dismisses your wants, and puts his family's tradition ahead of you. To him, its not even a discussion. That's actually a little scary.

You give 2 examples of him being inflexible (your last name and a baby name); I'll bet you can think of other incidents that fit this pattern, too. This is a glimpse into your future. Are you sure you want the rest of your life to look like this?

SubarcticFarmer said:

NTA, this needs to be worked out now and not later when you are already married or pregnant.

Scandals86 said:

NTA. Sounds like you’re starting to go through the “holy sh$t this is really who I am going to marry!?” phase. Sounds like the real Alex is starting to come out and once you marry him you will be “trapped." Get out before it gets even worse. If he’s like this about a first name you imagine how he will be about other things.

Nemo1321 said:

My question is if all his siblings follow this "tradition" won't there be like 4-5 kids with the same name in the same family within the same age range? That would already have me saying no.

Can you imagine going to a family get-together and trying to call for your son and his 4 other cousins also come running because they have the same name? No thank you. NTA.

DesiCodeSerpent said:

NTA. Your boyfriend on the other hand seems like an AH not letting you keep your maiden name and not letting you have a say in your own child’s name.

aphraea said:

NTA, but this is a clear sign that the two of you aren’t compatible in the long term. He’s telling you that he will always choose his family’s traditions over you and your views, and that he expects you to always conform to his expectations.

UPDATE:

So, we talked. I pulled him aside after he finished work and we sat down and had a long conversation. I told him that I felt hurt that he doesn't seem to be caring about my feelings and I never intended for a joke about tiktok names to turn into all of this.

I took your guys' advice and was really honest with telling him how I was really sad by the fact that I would lose my last name when we did eventually get married. At first he seemed confused and said if it really mattered hat much to me, I could just keep my last name and our kids could have his.

I told him it seemed counter-productive to keep my last name because one day I'd still die and so would the name. He asked me what I wanted to do about it and we ended up compromising that our first son would have a shortened version of the traditional name that runs in his family.

Not a nickname, but we would literally just shorten the name and that would be his. And along with that when we eventually do get married, we'll hyphenate last names. I will admit the internet got me a little in my head and had me thinking we would break up over this, so I was pretty emotional during this conversation lol. I know this isn't the super exciting update you guys wanted.

I also showed him the post and he read some of the comments. This is a direct quote from him, something he wanted me to tell you guys, "Thank you for helping (my name) while I was being a d."

I don't really think he was being a d now that I've seen his side, but he's also worried he has people after him now lol. He really is a sweet guy and this wasn't anything to break up over. When we talked he expressed that he was hurt because as much as the tradition seemed silly, it was something he had always been looking forward to eventually doing.

We're not engaged yet, but I have a feeling something might happen this Christmas--we'll see. But yeah, I cannot believe how much that post blew up and you guys really helped me and Alex out. Thank you all for the support.

Here's what top commenters had to say about the update:

External_Expert_2069 said:

If he was uncompromising, I think it would totally be breakup worthy. Fortunately it ended up completely different and that’s awesome!! You both listened to each other and came up with a plan. As long as he doesn’t call you an ahole and a whiner moving forward this is solid.

efrendel said:

So, you're telling me that you two sat down, had a mature conversation, and worked out your differences? Well damn!

Allyka88 said:

I'm glad you guys are going to hyphenate, as well as came to a compromise about the name your both happy with. I was one of the people saying this would be a deal breaker for me, but I am glad that you two were able to work it out.

SheLovesStocks said:

Happy for you guys!! Great testament that you’ll handle other important discussions well in the future! Wishing you all the best!