Woman REFUSES to help best friend plan wedding; 'You left me out of ALL your engagement celebrations.' AITA?

"AITA for refusing to help my best friend plan her wedding after she left me out of her engagement celebrations?"

I (24F) have been best friends with “Katie” (24F) since high school. We were really close for years, and I always imagined we’d be involved in each other’s big life moments.

About a year ago, Katie got engaged. I was so excited for her, but I didn’t hear much from her during her engagement. She didn’t ask me to be part of the planning, didn’t invite me to her engagement party, and pretty much left me out of all the celebrations.

I was hurt but figured she might have been caught up in wedding planning stress. Recently, she reached out, asking for my help with organizing her wedding and hinted that she wanted me to be her maid of honor. This threw me off because she hadn’t involved me at all up until now.

When I brought up how much it hurt to be left out of all the engagement celebrations, she said she didn’t mean to make me feel that way and that she’s been overwhelmed.

I told her I needed some time to think about it, but I don’t feel comfortable jumping in to help after being excluded for so long. Now, some of our mutual friends think I’m being unreasonable and that I should let it go.

AITA for refusing to help with her wedding after she left me out of the engagement celebrations?

Check out these comments and responses from OP:

foundin writes:

NTA. It's kinda weird that she only remembered your existence when she needed your help. How much do you want to bet that all the people she invited to those events dropped her so she turned to you for help. If you mean so much to her that she wants you as her MOH she should've included you before.

Question though, do you know who she invited to her engagement party? If it was like only her family it could be understandable (though I still think she could've included you), but if she also invited friends and just not you then that's not nice.

OP responds:

Yeah, it definitely feels like she only remembered me when she needed something, which doesn’t sit right with me. As for the engagement party, she actually invited a mix of friends and family. I wasn’t included, even though she invited a few mutual friends of ours. That’s part of why it feels so off now, if I meant so much to her, why leave me out of something so big?

jumpycat writes:

If it makes you feel any better, most often engagement parties are thrown by parents and not the couple.

Your name could have been on the list but someone skipped you for whatever reason whether accidentally or intentional. If you value the friendship, try not to look too deep unless this person has always treated you like this.

They may have just had a very tight limit due to budget and whomever was in charge of the list may have left off all single people, all people that lived over 50 miles away, all people they don't know or some other arbitrary reason.

Engagement parties are kind of a bore anyway to everyone but the couple and take away from the budget for the actual wedding where you spend a weekend or two celebrating with the bride and bridesmaids and go dress shopping, have a hen party, help her get ready, catch her bouquet.

bljuefla writes:

Nah. She 'hinted that she wanted OP to be her maid of honor'. She didn't (and won't) ask her. She just wants her to do the work for whatever reason. Perhaps the MoH is too busy, or OP has better taste/organisational skills/whatever.

There was a great thread recently about people who discovered they were the 'also ran' friend. I can't find it.

OP, you are the also ran friend. She left you out of the engagement - she didn't invite you - and A YEAR later reaches out to you and needs some help. Please, wake up and smell the stench of being used.

NTA but if you help you will be TA and will be writing in asking why you did all this work and then got treated badly and dumped.

OP responds:

Honestly, I’ve been questioning if we’re still “best friends” too. We were super close for years, but it does feel like we’ve drifted lately.

I hadn’t even thought about the possibility of being a backup choice, but now that you mention it, it kind of feels that way. Being completely left out of the engagement, then suddenly asked for help, just doesn’t add up. I think you’re right, I need to ask for a clearer explanation from her.

category6 writes:

How well off are you compared to her other friends? She maybe looking for someone to help bank roll her festivities. I would go in with caution if you choose to help at all.

OP responds:

That’s an interesting point, honestly. I wouldn’t say I’m super well off compared to her other friends, but I’ve definitely helped her out in the past with other things. It’s possible she’s looking for someone reliable to help cover some of the costs. I’ll definitely be careful if I decide to get involved, but it doesn’t feel right to be used just for that.

7aghyu writes:

it's almost hard to give a judgment on this one because I find Katie's behavior just SO bizarre and inexplicable. who tf doesn't invite their best friend / person they want to be their maid of honor to the engagement party??

NTA. but idk, have you and Katie had any deeper conversations about what's going on? it's just weird to me!!

OP responds:

I totally get where you’re coming from. I’ve been so confused about the whole situation too. Like, if I’m supposed to be such an important part of her wedding, why was I left out of the engagement party?

It feels off to me, and I’m wondering if there’s more going on that I’m not aware of. We haven’t had any deep conversations lately, which makes this whole thing even weirder. I’m trying to wrap my head around it.

norablo writes:

I feel for you. It’s like she wants a buddy for the fun parts of wedding planning but forgot the whole 'you’re supposed to be there for the big moments' part. Imagine planning a wedding without your best friend and then expecting her to just jump in. It’s like asking someone to join the party after the cake is gone!

You deserve to feel valued, not just as a wedding planner on call. Take your time to figure out what you want—after all, it’s your friendship too!

OP responds:

You totally get it, Nora! It really does feel like she’s only reaching out now for the “fun parts” of planning, like I’m just supposed to jump in after missing out on everything that came before.

It’s hard not to feel like I’m being treated more like a tool for her wedding than as a real friend. I do need to figure out what I want from this friendship because it’s feeling pretty one-sided right now.