'AITA for refusing to help my stepdaughter with her baby?' UPDATED
"AITA for refusing to help my stepdaughter with her baby?"
I (F38) married my husband Sam (M47) five years ago. Sam always knew I did not want to have children of my own. He was fine with it.
He has a daughter Leah (F25). His wife died when Leah was 10 years old and I met him when she was 15. I didn't meet her till after a year of dating. She was a sweet young adult and we got along great. I did not move in with Sam till Leah left for college though.
Leah got pregnant last year. Her boyfriend did not want to keep the baby but she wanted to keep it. He broke up with her. Leah moved back in with us cause she could not afford her lifestyle without him. She worked as a teacher and he was the bread winner.
I had concerns about how she was going to raise a child on a teacher's salary by herself. I suggested getting him to pay child support. She did not want that. Sam thought I should stay out of it. Fine.
But once she had the baby around 4 months back, Leah seemed to realise having a baby is not the sunshine and rainbows she thought it was. She barely got any sleep during the last four months. All the while Sam was helping her with the baby while I did almost all chores myself.
Now her leave is ending. She did not want to leave baby at daycare or with a nanny. Sam and I both work as well.
She asked if I could stay home with the baby. I said no. First, it is not my baby, and I never wanted to raise a child. Second, I have work.
She asked Sam who asked me to do it instead. I refused stating the reasons again. Sam couldn't stay home because he earned more than me and covered more bills.
I asked why Leah can't stay home with the baby herself. She said how she was young and had to build a career. I said many people take breaks to raise kids, and she broke down crying about how she was so tired all the time being a mom and she needed something else in her life too.
Sam feels bad for her and thinks we should help her. I suggested she pay for nanny with her income but Leah doesn't want strangers looking after her baby.
Both of them are pressuring me to stay home with baby so she can go to work. I am standing firm on my decision. This is not my cross to bear.
Leah said yesterday how she wished her mom was alive since she would have had her back. She said I didn't love her and my husband is also mad at me. AITA for refusing to help my stepdaughter with her baby?
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
felttzzz writes:
NTA. This is Leah's baby, that she alone chose to have. That doesn't obligate you to change YOUR life to suit her desires.
The whole business of saying you don't love her because you won't quit your job to watch her baby is so manipulative and messed up and i'm shocked your husband is siding with her.
GA087 writes:
Im going to go against the grain and say YTA (kind of). Too many people here on Reddit are selfish and childless and don't seem to realize raising a kid on one's own is extremely hard.
You've definitely had years to see this kind of situation coming, and seems you kinda stuck your head in the sand hoping it wouldn't happen. In the end, it takes a village to raise a kid, and like it or not you're a major part of this family now and you need to help out.
OP replied:
You are right. I was not physically caring for the baby. You know what I was doing? Every single chore in the house including cooking for them, cleaning after them and their laundry.
After working entire days and splitting almost all bills. I did not pay for baby items or furniture. But I was splitting bills for groceries, electricity and water. The stuff they both, Leah and her baby used and Leah did not pay anything towards.
I have bought numerous clothes and toy sets for baby. I didn't add it in baby cost because I consider that gifts.
Help comes in many forms. Her meals that she did not have to cook, laundry she had done, cleaning up and grocery shopping she never had to worry about was all help that I gave. I wouldn't have pointed it out except for this comment.
I never had a mom daughter relationship with her. I am just 13 years older than her, never been a mom or parent myself. Chose not to. We were friends. She never treated me like a parent either. And as part of her family I helped out in any and all ways that I can. Until they demanded I sacrifice my life and career for them. So if you think that equals a deadbeat stepmom, no one can correct you.
And now, OP's update:
First of all, thank you for your support. I needed it more than I realised. Your replies, advices and suggestions gave me a lot to think about. I was taking this situation independently and not really seeing the whole picture.
I had some tough conversations with my husband and step daughter. I showed my husband the post and replies. He was upset I posted about this in social media but I convinced him it's anonymous and we would not have any ramifications.
The sad truth is, even with overwhelming number of NTAs he refused to see the point. He accepts I have always been true about my boundaries. But he still needs me to step up and help out more. Be more understanding.
I realised the fact is he sees his daughter as his babygirl and me as the adult in this situation. So he needs me to act like an adult and support the child. I tried to make him realise she is not a child, she made her own decisions and she needs to be an adult. He says I won't get how a parent would feel and he needs to be there for her.
I realised his long term plan is to keep supporting her as long as he can and she wants it. To be frank, I sort of respect his stand. A father wanting to be there for his daughter and wanting to live for her is admirable.
But that is not the life I envisioned. Loving grandmother that babysit occasionally? Sure. But raising Leah AND her baby? Nope.
Before we decided on anything extreme we had a talk with Leah as well. To know what her plans are. We revisited the topic of Child Support and this time her dad was adamant to know why. Your replies made him concerned, I think.
Well apparently the reason is Leah is still in love with him. She is scared pushing a court case and responsibility on him, on a decision she made will scare him away. She is still holding on to hope he will come back.
We don't think she is being realistic. But have decided to table that talk for later since Sam is anyway ready to fund the baby's life. And child support can be demanded with back pay when she decides to follow up.
We offered her multiple solutions. Such has lesser work hours, career change, nanny, daycare. She did not accept any offer. She loves the school she works at and does not want to leave it.
She claims reducing hours will impact her career trajectory and since she wants to work, she might as well work full time. She does not want to leave baby with strangers (nanny/daycare) and is refusing to hear it.
She wants her baby to grow up with family feeling loved and she can't be at peace unless she knows one of us is with the baby.
Sam is refusing to cut down hours himself since he can't afford bills himself. Let me clarify. He had refinanced this house to pay for her college education, did not want her to have any loans.
I had suggested we downsize from this three bedroom house to a one bedroom one, we can both afford. He wanted to have space for his daughter. I understood that but I couldn't afford to pay for it.
We came to a understanding I wouldn't pay for it and won't have any rights to the house either. That is his biggest payment. We split rest of expense proportionate to our income till Leah moved back in.
She doesn't help financially. I contributed to normal day to day expenses but all baby related expenses are being met by Sam. If Sam stops working or reduce hours, he won't be able to do all these.
I would take up being bread winner but we would have to downsize and Leah would at least have to cover all baby related expenses herself. Neither of them wants that.
The conclusion of all discussions were the same. They needed me to stay home with baby. Sam wouldn't be putting anything to my savings or retirement funds cause he won't have funds for that. He also thinks it isn't necessary since I can just go back to work when baby starts school.
Long story short, I left. Packed all my clothes and stuff, out everything I have heard in my car and is now crashing at a friend's home. I don't have any rights to the house or own any furniture there so leaving was easy.
I have booked an appointment with my lawyer. I think this is the best decision I can take for myself. Both Sam and Leah called me selfish AH for leaving. I guess it will have to be this way.