Woman refuses to see FIL; 'I can't be part of his enormous lie.' AITA?

"AITA for refusing to see my FiL and visit with his family because I can’t be a part of his enormous lie?"

So my husband (40) and I (37F) and have been together for nearly 10 years and married for 6 and I have never felt welcome by his dad and stepmom. Visits with them are super draining, especially since I’m a high-masking neurodivergent (ADHD and most likely ASD).

My FiL and stepmom also favor my SiL (24). My SiL is a great person but I feel like she is super overprotected (she has severe food allergies and asthma). I understand the worry, but she is an adult and extremely intelligent. Everyone feels like they need to protect her but I don’t think it’s fair because there is something that she doesn’t know.

So, my husband has “3” siblings, but only his younger brother (38) is his only full biological sibling. So here’s my FiL’s marriages and children: Wife 1 (divorced, or actually annulled since Catholics can’t get divorced): 1 son

Wife 2 (passed away in 1998): 2 sons; Current Wife 3 (married in 2000): 1 daughter (born less than 5 months after the wedding*)

*I only mention this because FiL uses his Catholic faith as a moral compass. So about 3 years ago, my husband gets a FB message from a man who believes that he is his brother. He was shook by this news (I wasn’t).

He brought it up with his dad and my FiL said he didn’t know anything about it, said it wasn’t true, and that he wasn’t going to engage with this man. My husband deleted the message and tried to put it out of his mind.

A couple of weeks ago we went out to dinner with my husband’s older brother and his family and his younger brother and his fiancée. My oldest BiL announced that they have another brother. He was also messaged and this time there was DNA proof.

He sent his dad the DNA evidence and my FiL said that he didn’t know anything about this and that he wasn’t going to engage with the man. I was livid because he flat out lied to my BiL because he DID KNOW.

My husband told him 3 YEARS AGO. Turns out this man knew everything about my FiL and he said that his mother told my FiL she was pregnant, so he’s just been lying for 40+ years and pretending that this other child of his doesn’t exist. This man was born right around the time my FiL was dating my husband’s mom.

So the cat is out of the bag and nearly everyone knows, including my 15-year-old niece but I don’t like the idea of 2 important people not knowing.

Obviously my StepMiL doesn’t know, but I absolutely hate that my 24-year-old SiL is in the dark. They all agreed to keep it from her to protect her.

She’s going to find out eventually (the man tracked down two of his siblings, and I’m sure he’ll reach out to her). She should find out from her brothers (the ones she knows about) and I don’t feel comfortable being around them with this knowledge.

I don’t want any part of it. I told my husband that I will not go out to visit his family ever again until she knows. It’s not my secret to tell, but I also don’t want to pretend that I don’t know. So…AITA?

Let's see what readers had to say:

grsoudnth writes:

YTA, because your "she must be told" attitude didn't previously apply to the brother who now knows, and you're OK with not telling StepMIL.

There's hypocrisy here that, based on paragraph one, seems to come from how you feel about the protectiveness the family feels for the sister. This isn't about the secret, this is about the sister, for you.

You're feeling a certain way about SIL, but if it's not your place to interrupt that previously, why is it your place to interfere here? Further, you would expect SIL to be told and NOT her mother? Wouldn't they get told at the same time? Do you need them to tell SIL and then expect her to be the one to tell SMIL?

It's also necessary to point out that you didn't feel this way about telling the brother when it originally happened. You were happy to let it slide then, but now that there's DNA, it's somehow more important?

How you feel about FIL is pretty clear here too... why wouldn't it have been worth mentioning to the siblings previously. I can maybe see it not being important enough to tell brother back then... but based on FIL that's a big maybe.

And now... again, the issue you have is not with the secret (because you'll keep it from MIL) but with sister, and those are different issues. If you can keep it from MIL, you can keep it from SIL. And vice versa.

Just as a last note, sometimes people get protected like that in families because they were almost lost once. It's an overreaction but it's an understandable one, and if it's one you're not happy with, you should really work that out on your own.

grsndapat writes:

The older brother was shown DNA proof OP‘s husband was not. So it wasn’t a maybe it’s a for sure and they have made sure that everyone including the 15-year-old niece knows except for the sister who will feel very betrayed when she finds out that she’s the only sibling that was kept in the dark.

Don’t you imagine she’s sick and tired of being baby to the point of not being able to have a life at 24? I agree with OP that she should be told. I also do not feel any of them owe the same allegiance to their stepmother.

OP replies:

I feel that both SMIL and SIL should be told and I wish my FIL could step up and do it. I’ve hated that I had to hold onto this secret for 3 years and I was relieved when it came out to my other BIL. What makes it different now is that when I first found out, we were told that my FIL knew nothing. I believed that.

Then he said it again to his other son and therefore it was confirmed that he was lying about it and then it made me part of it. I felt gross. I know they’re going to find out and I think it should be from one of her brothers. The BiL who didn’t know wasn’t upset when he heard it because the news came from his family.

I don’t want my SIL to find out like my husband did. As I said, he tracked down two siblings and I’m sure he’ll eventually reach out to her. That’s why she’s more of a concern than my SMIL because he’s only been reaching out to siblings. I don’t think my SMIL should be left out; they should be told together.

rockalagu writes:

But you see the disconnect in saying "I believed that [...] FIL knew nothing" and that you hated keeping this secret for three years before BIL found out, right? The two are mutually exclusive. Either you believe FIL and there is no secret or there is a secret because you don't believe FIL.

I think you're justified in mistrusting FIL with these things. He's obviously a Catholic by word and lapsed by action kind of Catholic (to be fair, so am I), but you can't believe him and be upset keeping the secret both. Keeping the secret rather than just forgetting it means you mistrust FIL's statement.

So, you keep the secret from BIL for three years and now it's out to him and NOW you don't feel comfortable keeping it from the rest of the family. That would be understandable but it's not what you said. You've written your whole post about SIL, and whether you consciously see it or not, I still don't think the secret is the whole of the issue.

Is it worth pressuing your husband? Yes, I do think that's worth it, but that's exactly what not going to family gatherings is, isn't it. You can only skip two or three before people know you're avoiding them, and then you've forced the issue passive aggressively. If you're going to pressure your husband, do so actively and not over a calendar year.

transitost writes:

NTA...you have a good and moral position and should stick to it. I think not telling the 24 year old and the stepMIL is crazy and they are going to find out eventually with the added betrayal/embarrassment of EVERYONE else keeping this secret from them. What is your husband's stance on all of this...keeping the secret, the brother, his Dad, etc.?