'AITA for refusing to follow my husband's ex's food rules for our stepkids?'
"AITA for refusing to follow my husband's ex's food rules for our stepkids?"
My husband's ex-wife, who I'll call Kate for simplicity, and my husband/I have been feuding for the last few weeks to the point she's threatening to take us back to court about custody arrangements over her food rules.
I will preface by saying, none of the kids (10F, 13M) have food intolerance or allergies. Kate genuinely believes a bunch of myths like food combining and gut biome related. At first, we tried to accommodate her concerns as it was coming from a place of love for the kids but the list has grown to a point my husband and I are no longer able to follow them all and have given up.
Some food rules include:
• No fruit after 5pm
• No liquids directly before a meal or while eating or shortly after eating
• No ice cold drinks, only cool or lukewarm
• No non-natural sugars
• No FODMAP foods
• No combining starches/carbs
• 15 minutes of digestion sitting time after every meal
• No gluten at all.
There are way more rules than this, we have a google document that she updates with new rules and hyperlinks to 'studies' that show why its important that the stepkids follow these rules.
The reason why I wonder if we're being an AH for not following these rules is the history between Kate and my husband.
My husband's third child with Kate passed away at a very young age due to complications from an allergy. They had left the three kids with Kate's niece as a babysitter, and their youngest son had an allergic reaction.
No one knew that 3M was allergic to anything, and the cousin mistakenly thought an allergic reaction was just being ill and gave him benadryl to help him sleep it off. It was what lead to their marriage breakdown, and Kate has been very fearful about what the other two kids eat ever since.
My MIL is firmly on Kate's side and has been berating my husband and myself for not following Kate's rules regarding food. But my children/my husbands stepkids (10M, 15F) don't follow these rules obviously, and its making all meals impossible to handle.
10F, 13M hate following these rules when my children don't, and my husband and I don't think its fair for my children to have to eat this restrictive diet. AITA for not following Kate's food rules for her kids when they're at our place?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
[deleted]
Can't they just get the kids medically tested for allergies? If OP and her husband can show their mom that they're absolutely not deathly allergic to anything, then maybe she'll let up on the food policing?
OP responded:
Both children were tested to allergens after 3M's death. That was actually one of the first things my husband insisted on doing for my two children when we became serious while dating.
Oh ---- is Kate my sister? Seriously she has lost her mind about food.
I learned the word “orthorexia” when my sister started cutting out gluten even though zero people in the family have any actually sensitivities or issues.
She also had my oldest nephew diagnosed as “allergic to corn” by a chiropractor sooo …
NTA. FODMAP is an exclusion diet to try and figure out which common allergen is causing issues and items are meant to be reintroduced after a period of time on the diet. I went through this AND gluten free when we were trying to determine the source of issues my husband was having.
The 2 diets combined was HELL and I am an experienced chef who loves a challenge. Two months of that and he was actually relieved to get a cancer diagnosis and eat a proper sandwich 🤦🏻♀️
What do the kids actually eat?
OP responded:
Honestly, the FODMAP diet hasn't been too hard, the food combining has been the real killer. Try explaining to children why they can't have sauce with their dinner, or have to wait several hours before switching food categories when they don't understand the difference between a carb and a protein. 😔
NTA. "No liquids directly before a meal or while eating or shortly after eating." What happens when the meal is soup?
OP responded:
My stepkids don't get to have soup. Soup is hot liquid, which is also banned on top of being a liquid in a meal. Sadly.
"There are way more rules than this, we have a google document that she updates with new rules and hyperlinks."
The impact on the kids is only going to increase then if she is only adding rules. How do they feel about it now?
NTA and you should consult a lawyer as to how serious it needs to be before you could argue in court for more custody time/get her some therapy.
OP responded:
At first, it wasn't too bad, the normal restrictions health-conscious people have like gluten-free, no lactose, no added sugar so my husband and I could make meals that everyone could enjoy without it being too repetitive or complicated to manager. But now, my stepkids are miserable.
The hardest parts were desserts/snacks and the rules about eating. Its hard to tell a child that they can't have even a glass of water with a quick snack after school, or give them a healthier but objectively less tasty looking alternative to their other siblings, particularly when its a step-sibling so it feels personal even though it really isn't in my control.
porbla writes:
Yeah, unfortunately this is a mental health issue and OP is going to be powerless to address it. I had a coworker who went through something similar. At first she believed she was gluten intolerant (with nothing to really base it on), then it progressed to having to cut out other foods too.
It got to the point where anytime she didn't feel well, she ran to her 'doctor' with a list of what she ate in the last week and they'd select something else to cut out. She also refused to eat anything out of plastic, or prepared in/with plastic.
At one point she went out for dinner at a restaurant with some friends and she demanded to go into the kitchen to see that they weren't using any plastic utensils while preparing the food.
Unsurprisingly she ended up terribly unhealthy and had to be hospitalized. I'm not really sure what happened to her because she moved away not long after that.