Woman refuses to help aunt plan her wedding; 'I won't be a bridesmaid either after what you've done.' AITA?

"AITA for refusing to help my aunt with wedding planning and to be a bridesmaid?"

I (19f) have known my aunt, Carol (40f) since I was 7, when she started dating my uncle.

I don't see them very often since we live on opposite sides of the country (maybe 4-5 times a year), but my dad is very close to his brother so he makes sure we keep in touch.

Two years ago, my aunt got pregnant. I was super happy because I didn't have any cousins before that, and also because I just love babies.

My aunt and uncle had been trying for a baby for a few years and my uncle knew how happy I would be to have a cousin, so, a few years ago he promised me that, if they were one day blessed with a child I would be his godmother, if I wanted to.

I was thrilled, and that was one more reason why I was so excited when I found out that my aunt was pregnant.

Things did not go as planned. I don't have the full story about this, but 8 months ago my cousin was baptized and I was not chose as godmother.

Apparently, my uncle asked that he chose the godmother and my aunt chose the godfather, and he asked that I was godmother, but my aunt refused, saying that she was the one who carried the baby for 9 months and had to go through giving birth, so she deserved to choose both.

She chose her best friend and brother as god parents. I was a bit disappointed and angry but let it go.

Three months ago, my uncle proposed and they are getting married in December. They were starting to plan and had made some arrangements, and had chosen their wedding party.

But Carol got in a huge fight with her best friend (my cousin's godmother) and they don't talk to each other anymore.

Her best friend was supposed to be a bridesmaid, so she was now one bridesmaid short. For that reason, she asked me to be a bridesmaid. She said that she needed help planning the wedding and that "my creative vision would be appreciated".

I thought about accepting, despite knowing that I was just asked because she needed a replacement, but then I found out that my uncle originally wanted me to be in the wedding party, but once again my aunt said no.

She told him that she was the one who chose the bridesmaids and he chose the groomsmen. He also asked if I could be a flower girl but she said no.

She said something along the lines of "Stop trying to include her in everything, you're not even that close". This story could be a little distorted since I heard it from my dad who heard it from other people, but that's pretty much it.

So I politely declined being a bridesmaid and told her I wasn't sure I was the right choice. She got a bit mad because apparently she doesn't have anyone else to ask and insisted a lot.

I then told her that I didn't understand why she wanted me as a bridesmaid since we "weren't even that close", and that if she needed a creative vision she should ask a wedding planner.

I know that my reaction was a bit mean and childish, and I probably should've just gone with it, but I was tired of being her last option, and only being included when she didn't have anyone else. AITA?

dafhga6 writes:

NTA I don't think you should be mad about not being the godmother though because I do think it was wrong for your uncle to make such a large promise without discussing with his partner.

But you're being asked to be a bridesmaid just to be a filler and it doesn't sound like your aunt is very close to you so I would probably decline also. Don't feel pressured to do it.

swillshop writes:

I agree with your thinking. Being a bridesmaid would be a lot of time focusing on the bride - a person who (apparently) actively rejected you twice. (Not to mention all the pre-wedding day duties/activities at which you probably wouldn't feel at all welcome.)

Carol has known you for 12 years. You're not a prankster or an old rival or a drunk; so I can't imagine why Carol would completely dismiss including someone important to her fiance.

They could have at least asked you to be a reader at the wedding. (When my good guy friend got married, I was asked to be a reader, and it was the perfect role.)

But given the way Carol acts, I don't think you really want to play any role in the wedding.

Talk to your uncle and tell him how much you love him. (Just a passing thought: Maybe you could plan to wear something - a piece of jewelry that he gave you or his favorite color that would be just a little extra nod to how important he is to you.)

I hope Carol's current behavior is not her norm (maybe related to her long wait to get pregnant or pregnancy/ post-partum hormones) - because otherwise, it's part of her character and normal personality. NTA

tinkerpro33 writes:

Your response was fine as long as you stop it there. You don’t need to tell her you know that she would rather exclude you from everything. If she becomes annoying about this, point out that you live across the country from each other, therefore would not be available for helping with anything, like dress shopping, cake tasting, et.

Also, you know that bridesmaids often help buying things and with last minute things, and you would not be able to help with either of those things. Tell her you can’t wait to celebrate the wedding with er and uncle, but it will have to be as a guest.

I would keep conversations with her to text or emails and be sure to include your uncle in them so he knows what is going on.

regus6 writes:

I am SO tired of women claiming that since they carry the baby and give birth to the baby that they are the ONLY ones entitled to make huge life-long decisions for that baby.

Yes, pregnancy and birth are big things. I'm a woman and I've done both. But they lasted for nine months, and we are more than 22 years into our parenting journey so far.

Pretty sure my husband has contributed a very large proportion of the parenting, and thus is equally entitled to a say in those life-long decisions for the children.